Today was the day. I would finally be a teacher – Dr. Davies, PED. There were desperate parents out there who just didn’t know what to do with their children. I had decided to create my own business- Parenting 101, in which adults would learn about taking care of their children, and I would see how much earnt money I would be able to spend. Only a few days ago had I been handing out flyers during dismissal, encouraging parents that there was no other teacher like me.

     Around the classroom, desks lined up side by side in a U formation, mirrored by the chairs behind each. Bright blue walls surrounded the room, decorated by an assortment of posters. In the front, overlapping other posters, was my own, with the acronym L.E.A.R.N. – Leave money, Ears before mouths, Any tip is appreciated, Refunds not allowed, and No adult language. As I waited for the parents to arrive, I polished my jar for tips and put a few of my own dollars in. As the parents began trickling in, one stood out from the others. Her hair tangled together like a tumbleweed, tainted by milk stains. A crying baby stuck out of her hooked arm, suddenly silenced by a pacifier.

     “Sorry I’m late,” she said. “I had to drop off my first kid at soccer, and then my daughter at dance, and then buy organic snacks from the market, and then-”

     “It’s okay,” I interrupted in my squeaky serious voice. “Are you what people call a soccer mom?”
     “Pretty much.”

     “Well, you’re probably already an expert. Your gigantic purse tells me that you are literally prepared for anything. That’s your minivan outside, right?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Grab a seat and we’ll get started,” As the parents struggled to fit in the miniature sized chairs, I straightened myself, hoping to seem taller and more confident.

     “Welcome to Parenting 101. My name is Alfie Davies, and I am ten and one-eighth years old. Today I will be teaching you the proper way to raise your child or children. Of course, I have a PED in childology – a personal experience degree. My own friends signed it. You may think that you know what is good for a child, having been one yourself eons ago. If you do, you don’t. Things have changed nowadays, and kids are different. As a current youngster myself, I will provide you with the knowledge and tools to successfully raise your kid.”

     “Please take a look at my poster for learning.” I gave them time to read it, and then I continued. “We will be covering three main topics – eating, playing, and school. I would first like all of you tell me your name, how many children you have, their ages, and at least one of the many problems you are having.”

     The parent closest to me got up and began speaking. “My name is Nicholas. I am the father of an eight year old son. He never does his homework, and I hope you can help me with that.”

     He sat down, and the woman behind him got up. The process continued. In total, the eight parents each had about one to three children from around seven to eleven years old.

     I cleared my throat. “Let’s get started. The first subject is eating. I always hear complaints from parents that their kids are not eating enough veggies. You guys say that veggies are supposed to help us grow. This is completely bogus. I recently did a study using myself as the test subject. After eating one leaf of lettuce, I did not see any height change. By the same proportion, any amount of vegetables will still not PRODUCE any growth. See what I did there? Therefore, vegetables are not helpful.”

     “Another controversial topic is junk food. Allow your children to eat as much of it as they want. Any questions so far?”

     Everyone raised a hand, but I decided that I was not in the mood for questions. “Please save your questions until the end. On to the next topic – playing. This one is extremely simple. Playing makes kids happy. How many of you want your children to be happy?”

     They all raised their hands.

     “Exactly. Playing is an easy way to brighten their days. As a doctor in childology, I recommend between three to four hours of playtime daily, five of which should be from electronics. This has been scientifically proven to strengthen smiling muscles in the face.”

     “Time to discuss school, my favorite topic. First of all, there are numerous reasons why a child should not go to school: wedgies, cafeteria lunch, swirlies, gossip, the list goes on and on. How many of you would like to stop paying for gas or stop spending money on bus rides?”

     They all raised their hands. “Well then, a simple solution is to just not go to school!”

     “This concludes our class. Please place the payments in the piggy bank. If you would like to buy the second part of the class, please sign your name on the sheet in the front. The tip jar is in the front of the class.”

     After I received my payments, I grabbed the filled piggy bank and excitedly skipped to another school.