Indecisive Much?
By Yvone Ao


“Dear Juliet (hey, I’m trying to be serious!),

It’s perfectly fine because I figured you would choose this option of taking a break anyway. There is honestly nothing you could do for me that would make me happier than for you to want me in your life. Regardless of the “title,” it all comes down to how you feel in the end.

You’re NOT selfish – you’re EVERYTHING but that. You’re amazing, and it surprises me every time you say you’re not. I want you to be happy, and like I said: you mean a lot to me, Juliet. I know everything’s been weird since Gabriel, and I know you need time, plus I won’t mind waiting.

But do me a favor, will you? When you’re done reading this, fold it back up and close your eyes. You’ll know when to open them.








Sincerely,








Mitch”

***


That was given to me a few days before last night, when he thought we were still going to be a little bit more than best friends. Now I bet he wishes he never wrote it. Every day since then, I’ve realized the girl he was talking about was me.

I wonder how I got such an amazing guy to even consider liking me. He’s sweet, nice and he’s so good with words it’s scary. Nobody has ever told me they wore their heart on their sleeve for me. Me – of all people! I know he can find a better girl, but the idiot doesn’t believe it and he says he only wants me. He thinks I’m trying to push him away when I tell him he should forget about me, but I’m really just thinking he’d be better off if he didn’t have this crush. Maybe I would be too – because then, none of us would be in this situation. I think he’s too good for me. And besides, I already made my choice last night when I sent that instant message.

“Will you be my Edward?”

How lame is that? I know Twilight is renowned but Gabriel always thought it was a stupid book with an idiotic plot, so why did I even bother asking that, hoping he would understand my lingo? I guess I knew who I was going to be end up choosing – but maybe I should’ve completely followed my heart on this one.

I’ve put Mitch and Gabriel through so much, and yet they both said they’re willing to be in my life (for as long as they could handle) no matter who I choose. Maybe I made a mistake by deciding to choose too quickly just because this was dragging out longer than it should have and I was sick of crying. I doubt this sort of thing is something you can rush into. It deals with the happiness and glass hearts of three people. Mine included.

Mitch says I should learn to stop thinking with my mind on matters that require feeling with my heart. And I’m trying! I’ve been trying with this matter of deciding between who I’d be happier with – since Risa doesn’t believe I’m going to last too long with either guy (thanks for the faith) – at this moment. But, like Mitch and Risa both thought, I leaned towards my mind a little bit more.

I don’t want to hurt Gabriel, but I suppose choosing him because of my mind is also hurting him in a sense. He just doesn’t know it.
Too bad Mitch knows it…

After shutting down my laptop, I ended up talking on the phone with Mitch for nearly two and a half hours. And he says he never talks on the phone. I feel cold, even though I’m cozy under my HotTopic fairy blanket. I think what I want is a hug from him. That sounds nice.

I wish he’d stop with all this lame stuff that girls generally love to hear. It’s making it that much harder to be happy with my choice. After actually “feeling with my heart,” I realized maybe I did rush into making the choice too quickly. But I can’t take back what I said now…can I? It’d hurt Gabriel too much, and he’s already too frail to go through something like heartbreak again.

I realize this must sound boring or lame, considering too many stories are written about love, but living it actually sucks. If I were to read this, I would say the girl was an idiot and should have just chosen the boy who made her happy. But as I’m living through this, I realize so many things can get in the way. Especially if you care too much, like I do.

I care too much of how I’m going to bring up the subject, how I’m going to phrase my words so the impact of the punch will hit him at its softest force, what will happen to him afterwards, how he’ll react and how everything’s going to play out in the end. I worry so much that I shake randomly and my hair sheds like a lizard’s skin. Maybe I shouldn’t be worrying so much because, in the end, everybody turns out alright. I’m so sorry Gabriel.

I love texting Mitch so much it’s wrong. I don’t mind staying on the phone with him for hours, and I never realized how comforting his hugs would be/were when I was crying. Gabriel was the one who hurt me so bad to the point of hyperventilation, and Mitch was the one I wanted to talk to, the one who calmed me down. Isn’t there something to be said about that?

What’s awful is I know this isn’t right, but I can’t seem to stop. By avoiding hurting Gabriel, I’m hurting him even more by being with him but still having feelings for Mitch. This sucks. Even Mitch’s sister said I was being unfair – that I was trying to keep “the best of both worlds,” which I am. Wow, that sounds worse than I thought it would.

I don’t want to do anything right now because I know I’ll be hurting two important people, but someone is going to get harmed in the end no matter who I pick. And dragging this out longer than necessary just isn’t…necessary. The story is unfinished, but I think I’ll be like Switzerland in World War and World War II: neutral.