I saw you today.
Actually, I saw you twice. The first time, you turned around and pointed at me and said, “You just lost!” and then turned back around. I think your friends told you I was coming. I think they know me. Well, not know me, but know who I am.
That’s because I interrupt your conversations with them and you stop talking to them to say two words to me : “you lose.”
It’s funny because normally, I hate that game. You know, the one where if you think about the game, you lose it. I think it’s annoying and stupid but I keep playing and I keep score so I have an excuse to talk to you. Otherwise, I’d never talk to you. Not in a million years.
I don’t know much about you. We talked once. On Facebook. You told me your middle name was Edward. I smiled because before that, I told you I liked Twilight. You also pointed out how your first and last initials are “JK” and I smiled again because that stands for “Just kidding”, which I say a lot.
I say a lot of things. I lie about movies I’ve seen. I don’t know why, but I feel dumb when people ask me, “Have you seen this movie?” and I say “No” and then they talk about it anyways. So I just lie and nod at whatever quote they’re saying from it. Then, I go home and look it up so if they bring it up again, I don’t look stupid.
I lied to you once. I told you on Facebook the other day that once, I had to shovel my mom’s car completely out of the snow. That’s not true. I had to clean off the top of her car. Then I went inside and drank some tea. It was snowing when I told you that, so that’s why I brought it up. I wanted to keep talking to you then, but you said you had to go shovel your driveway. I think you were lying then because it was dark outside and I kept checking to see if you were online a few minutes after and you were. But I never mentioned it.
I don’t mention a lot of things. One time, I saw you walking near my friend’s apartment building. I wanted to roll down the window and say hi, but I knew you’d just say, “You lose”, so I didn’t. Plus we pulled by before I could do anything. I just said to my friend and my dad, who was driving us, “I know that guy”. I told you the next day that I saw you walking.
“Did you say hi?” you asked.
“No because we pulled away before I could say you lost.” I said.
You smiled and then we awkwardly turned from each other without saying goodbye.
We always do that. We never really say goodbye when we talk to each other in person. We always go back to talking to our friends after saying, “You lose”. One time, you seemed like there was something else you wanted to say. You lingered a little before walking away. I think about that a lot. What could it have been, if anything, that you wanted to say?
I love when we make each other lose just by making eye contact in the halls. That’s probably the longest conversation I’ve ever had with you.
Actually, probably not. That was a lie.
Anyways, I was walking down the halls and I turned around and saw you and said “You lose!”
And then you said, “You don’t have to say you lose every time.”
“Oh.” I said.
“You can just make eye contact and I’ll know. That’s how my friends and I do it.” You said.
“Okay. I get it now.” I said.
I felt stupid then not only because my friend had walked away by then but because you corrected me. Sort of. I hate being corrected. I felt dumb because I didn’t know something that you did. I feel like I should be smarter than you, but I know inside that I shouldn’t be because you’re a year older than me.
That time was another awkward goodbye thing. You just walked a little ahead of me and I never caught up. But you turned around and looked at me again. I had forgotten that until now. I’ve been wondering what it meant because you looked back and you smiled a little, but I guess I forgot it. Probably because it meant nothing.
I love when I’m walking down the halls and you see me and we look each other straight in the eyes and smile. I know it’s because of the game, but I like to pretend it’s more. I like to pretend that you’re in love with me and you’re smiling at me because of that.
I liked you from the very beginning, you know. I remember when we were in middle school, we were both in the musical. I thought you were weird because when the choral director was working with us, she had us divided into Soprano, men, and Alto sections and you tried to sit with the Sopranos. I tried to tell you to sit with the men but you insisted you had a high voice, so I didn’t bother after that. I just thought you were weird.
So I guess I haven’t liked you from the very beginning, but from the beginning of this year. We auditioned for the school play on the same day. You didn’t know my name, but I knew yours. I didn’t know you had a girlfriend. You didn’t’ have an audition song, so I told you to sing “A Whole New World” because that’s the play you were in with me. Aladdin Jr. Plus, everybody knows that song.
I could have suggested billions of other songs to you, but you don’t know theater like I do so I kept it simple. I guess that’s one area that I’m smarter than you in.
We talked during the play a lot. Not very much in the beginning, but then I friended you on Facebook. I remember I was walking to rehearsal the day after you accepted my friend request and you talked to me.
“Hey,” you said, “you friended me on Facebook.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and my stomach dropped because I found you on there through your girlfriend.
“That means we have to be friends in real life.” You said. You looked serious, but it made me smile because I wanted to be friends with you. I really wanted to be more than friends with you, but I settled for friends since you were taken.
During warm-ups at rehearsal, I always said I was jealous of how low you could sing. You could also go pretty high in your falsetto and I said you could sing higher than I could. Those are both lies. I don’t really want to be able to sing low. I’m a girl, so being a bass isn’t exactly normal. And I can hit a high D on my good days and I know you can’t do that. Unless you have a freakishly high falsetto.
You’re not a tenor. You’re a baritone. Your higher voice doesn’t sound as good as your lower voice. You have a nice voice though. When I stood next to you during musical, we were both in the chorus and when we hit the ending note of the opening song, I could hear you. I wanted to tell you that you were sliding up to the end note a little, but I never did.
You play piano well. You have a good ear, just like me. You know more songs though. The best moment I ever had with you was when everyone had left the theater room except us and you were playing piano and I sat down next to you. You smiled and every so often you’d look up at me. I just stared into your eyes the whole time and focused on how nice your voice sounded. I acted like you were singing to me.
You were always playing piano. Whenever I heard it, I’d sneak into the theater room in hopes that we’d be alone in there again, but it never happened.
You and I both had solos in the play. I was the youngest one with a solo and no one could hear it because I didn’t have a microphone, but I was still proud of it. Your solo was never heard, but I don’t think you cared. Or you just never said anything about it to anyone.
I remember at the cast party at the last show, you were depressed. I was laughing and having fun with my friends, but I’d sit with you every now and then. Your girlfriend broke up with you that night. A bunch of girls surrounded you, but you didn’t care. You just wanted to go home. I messed up your hair to try to get you to smile. It had had gel in it and when I messed it up, it turned white and it looked like you had dandruff. I forced a laugh to try to get you to laugh, but you didn’t. I took a picture of you then. A picture of your hair and then a picture of your face. I didn’t remember that picture of your face until I found it again on my computer. I looked at it for a while and thought of editing it and putting hearts around it. Then I didn’t because I thought my mom would see it.
When you didn’t have a girlfriend, I felt so much better. But shortly after, you got snatched up again. You’re still with her. She’s pretty and skinny, so I don’t blame you. She’s dyed her hair black and it looks good on her. She has pale skin and a thin face. I friended her on Facebook just so I would know what she looked like.
I don’t know if she’s a sophomore or a freshman, like you. I hope she’s a freshman. Maybe I’m smarter than her. She has weird teeth and her voice cracks a lot. I know this because she was walking home with her friend who lives on my street today. I was eavesdropping on them. I kept wondering if she knew that a few houses down from where she was lived a girl who likes her boyfriend. I hope she does.
I hope you talk about me. I hope you think I’m a stalker and I like you because that means I’ll never have to tell you I like you. I can just keep it bottled up inside. Maybe I could post this on Facebook when you two break up.
Or maybe I shouldn’t since I’m friends with her. She’d hate me before she knew me.
I like to look at your pictures on Facebook because I like to look at you. She commented on a photo of you and said that one of your eyes is always more open than the other. I never noticed that. I guess that’s why she’s your girlfriend. She notices little things like that and I don’t.
You wrote a poem for her on your status one day. You wrote it from your iPod while you were taking your math exam. I remember it because I read it a lot. I put my name in where you said hers and it sounded worse. Plus you mentioned some girl named Whitney in it and I don’t know who that is. So I guess if you wrote me a poem, it would be really different.
I want you to write me a poem about the time you played the piano for me and we were alone. I wrote a poem about that. I made it kind of sad because I made your girlfriend at the time come in during it. Then at the end, I made a guy I sort of liked come in and talk to me. I was lying in that poem though because I always liked you more than him.
I went to homecoming with someone this year. I wish I had gone with you. He kissed me at the end of the night. Actually, I kissed him. I wish I had kissed you though because his lips were thin and he never talked to me after that. Your lips don’t look as thin as his. I bet you would talk to me after kissed me.
Sometimes, when I’m walking down the street alone. I imagine you’re next to me. I imagine you’re holding my hand and I smile. I bet people think I’m crazy because I’m smiling at nothing. I wish I were smiling at you and not just my imagination.
When I went to homecoming with that guy, I wore heels. I took them off right when I got there though because they made me taller than him. Actually, they made me as tall as him, but almost taller. I’m about an inch shorter than you, so if we ended up together, I could never wear heels. Which sucks because I have these heeled sandals that I really like. I bet you would like them anyway even if they did make me taller than you. I feel like I shouldn’t be taller than you because you’re older than me and you’re a guy. It sounds so prejudiced, but I’m old fashioned.
Actually, I’m not. I remember that I had all these “boyfriends” in fifth grade. If I were old fashioned, I wouldn’t have even been interested in boys by now. Or I’d be married. But that’s creepy.
I am old fashioned in the sense that I don’t like asking guys out. I like for them to ask me. Even though I’ve only been on one date. Ever. That’s why I’m not going to the Sadie Hawkins dance. It’ this weekend and I’ve thought about asking a few guys, but I don’t want to. Mainly because I don’t like any of them as much as you, but also because I’m afraid of rejection. I’ve always hated being rejected. When I was little, I used to not want to ask my friends to have play dates because I was afraid that they would say no. It’s the same with you. Plus you have a girlfriend.
Someone sent me a Facebook invite to the dance. I clicked “not attending” and then checked the list for other people who weren’t going. You were on that list. It made me happy and I don’t know why. It’s probably because your girlfriend is out of town or something, but I like to pretend that it’s because you want to go with me instead. I know you don’t though.
Someday, I’m going to have to learn to stop lying. I lie to myself about you and I lie to other people. I lie to you about how I feel. One time, a few days after the school musical, I was walking down the hallway. You were walking towards me with two other girls. This was when you didn’t have a girlfriend. You said hi and gave me a hug. It was totally unexpected, but, I squeezed you tight anyway. If I had known that was going to be the last hug I gave you, I would have squeezed you tighter.
I think my favorite moment with you ever was when I was walking down the hall and I thought I heard my name. I turned around and it was you. You yelled my name and when I turned around, you yelled, “You just lost!” I know it sounds so ordinary, but I will never forget how it sounded when you said my name. It sounded perfect in your voice. It sounded better than it ever had. Like it belonged to me. Because I’ve always felt that my name shouldn’t be Sophie. I always wanted a different name like Allegra or Josephine or something long and pretty. But you make my name sound like mine.
I wonder if your name sounds like that when I say it. I wonder if it sounds like that when she says it. I wonder if anyone gets that feeling other than me. I wonder about a lot of things. I wonder if I’ll ever show this to you. I think I might someday…
But maybe that was another lie. You can never tell with me.