And then to my dismay your name was there… the tears fell down and my heart broke at the same time I saw your name. I rechecked over and over… again and again, still your name was there, crystal clear, printed with black ink… all in capital bold letters. Would you come back if I’d erase it? …No, you won’t … I could just delete the list but nothing will change... there’s nothing I can do. I was helpless...What’s done is done. You were there, how can you just leave like that…

We still had to do what friends do. There’re so many things we could do, like hanging out and play games and tell stories while the summer campfire flickered at night… you said you’d stay by my side, remember?! … You promised! My throat went dry, I could feel a sob coming… but I tried to restrain it and rushed outside.

It was raining … it was good timing… no one would know I was crying. I was frustrated, so I ran and ran as fast as I could without stopping…. I felt the adrenaline you’d been telling me that day… I kept crying, thinking, that these are the only things connecting me to you… my one day memory of meeting you…

I was in front my doorstep now, drenched…soaking wet from the rain, I quickly got up to my room, locked it, washed, and changed my clothes. I let myself fall on my bed. The thoughts of you leaving me, hurts… I felt my body heavy as lead sinking into my misery… a few minutes later my mom knocked on my door. I didn’t bother to open it… I wanted to be alone. But when she had enough, she used extra measures and used the ‘key’ and opened my door. Still I didn’t move, I pretended to sleep… she sat beside me, her hand caressed my head. I felt a tear coming out of my eye, I cursed to myself, my senses had betrayed me…
“I’m sorry dear… oh sweet butterfly… I really am. I just-couldn’t bring myself on telling you about him. I couldn’t stand seeing you hurt so…much. I knew how it felt”… her voice started to falter.

” (About to cry) losing your father… broke my heart… (Crying) if – if it hurt me so much to lose mine”

… stop, don’t say it! …

Then, how much it must had pained you too. And at such a young age… I never would’ve thought he’d be your first-“.

What--? My-…

“First?” I said in a hoarse voice
My eyes still closed, I was in total defeat… I gave in. I know I needed someone, but I only ignored it, especially my mom… she tried to calm herself.

“Yes, sweet… your first love. Honestly, I should’ve known. You know, a mother feels what her babe feels, dear… even if it’s being happy or sad. I’d know if something was wrong with you”.

With that I felt a little better…but it still hurts a bit though…

“My first love—“
And finally I broke down… I cried and cried I couldn’t stop …

“there, there honey…Shh, shh … it’s alright” she said as she cried with me…

“Everything’s going to be – fine… mommy’s here for you”

… Everything’s NOT going to be fine. He was – gone… DEAD… and I’m never going to see him ever again… but I couldn’t say ‘it’ something was stopping… so I cried and cried. Until I fell asleep caressed in my mom’s arms…