“You know Luke’s a player and yes, you’ve changed players before but if you get hurt this time, you know it’s on you, right?”

I remember these words tumbling out of my best friend’s mouth as she stared at me with her wide, reproachful eyes. There was nothing she told me that I didn’t already know. I knew it was on me, of course I did, and I also knew  that my act of hubris will always be my undoing.

Luke was the biggest player in high school--with his looks and everything, that basically gave him the right to be one. His grades ranged from C to F and he was extremely insubordinate and rude. Did girls care? No. Who would, when the most beautiful guy who might as well be an angel who fell from heaven have an interest on you? Besides, who doesn’t like the “gorgeous bad boy”? Hmm. Probably only the rational ones and mind you, there weren’t many in my high school.

I’ve always been rational and smart--so why was I so drawn to players? There’s one simple answer to that: the thought of being able to swerve them from their horrible ways and the thought of someone who loves me enough to change their ways for me gave me immense pleasure. Besides, I strongly believed that there’s always a good in someone, a soft spot underneath all that hard and cold facade.

I’ve never really been in love with any of them before Luke. I liked them, yes, but “loved” them? I wouldn’t go so far as to say that. I left the habit of dating someone just because of the high I felt of changing them in my junior year. I was starting to get more mature so I started to realize how cruel I was; how unfair it was for the guys who actually opened themselves up to me, who trusted me, and who loved me honestly when I was just going to treat them like pawns in my chess game. It wasn’t worth it, so I stopped.

It was my senior year when Luke transferred to our school and he already established his reputation in just a couple of months. We were more opposite than we were alike and his rudeness was antagonizing to the point that I just wanted to strangle him every single day. I loathed him for who knows how long until I saw him at a playground once, playing with a kid who looked exactly like him and I found out later on that it was his brother.

A grim thought crossed my mind that time, a thought that’s been so familiar to me, a thought that hasn’t been present in my mind for quite a long time until that day: I wanted him to show his real self to me, the kind and good-hearted person that was never present in school. The thought of changing him creeped into my mind, leaving me frozen onto the pavement I was standing on. I didn’t want to relapse into my old ways so after that day, I tried as hard as I could to remove the image of him playing with his brother out of my mind and I distracted myself in every way possible so I wouldn’t have to think about him. But guess what? My hubris got the best of me.

We became friends and our friendship eventually evolved into something more--or so everyone thought except for the two of us. Of course, I was perfectly aware that all of that was just a game for him but it wasn’t as if I was that serious either so it was a fair game. His goal was to make me one of the girls he fooled, my goal was to make him one of the guys I changed.

It was never my intention to fall in love with him-- I actually thought I wasn’t capable of falling in love until then. Maybe it was my maturity that allowed me to finally let myself get to see Luke the way he was and not just someone to add to my collection. He was so beautiful--and not just physically beautiful but he was also downright gorgeous on the inside. I opened my heart out to him, letting all my guards down to let him in without my knowledge and the next thing I knew, I was in love with him. He sparked the flame inside my chest that has never been ignited before and that scared me--because I knew, at that moment, that I gave him the power to hurt me, and that’s enough to scare anyone to death.

He did change his ways for me and you know what caught me off guard? I didn’t feel any triumph. All I could think about everyday when we were together was how lucky I was and no, I didn’t feel lucky because I dated the handsomest of all the handsome guys at school because I couldn’t care any less even if he looked like a sewage rat but I felt lucky to know Luke for who he really was. I never thought it was ever possible to love someone so much you actually ache but my love for him was so unconditionally deep I could feel it in my bones and even in the deepest part of my very soul.

The two years that we were together was two of the happiest years of my life until he did something that crushed all my hopes and dreams for the two of us: he fell in love with someone else.

I never hated Luke for that. I was perfectly aware of the fact that just because he was my soulmate didn’t mean I was his. We may have broken up and that break up may have been pretty awful but we remained the best of friends--after all, we were best friends to begin with. A part of me will always love and care for him; just not in the sense of the way I used to love him before. He’s my brother, he’s family, and he’s a part of me--removing him from my life is like removing a limb or any other part of my body; I wouldn’t do it for the world. Luke and I are a package--you can’t get one without the other. Any guy who wants to be a part of my life without Luke in it can go.

My hubris wasn’t my best trait but I still thank God for it everyday because if it wasn’t for that, it never would’ve been possible for me to have the life I have right now. Things may not have ended the way I imagined for Luke and I to be but if I were given the chance to go back again and change things from my past, I wouldn’t change a thing and I would do everything again in a heartbeat; I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t regret choosing Luke and I most certainly don’t regret falling in love with him. If it weren’t for the things that have happened in the past, both the good and the bad, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. My past have formed me into a stronger and wiser person and for that, I am thankful.