Journal Entry #331

Journal Entry #331
Dear Journal,
I remember when I first laid my eyes on her. She was the most angelic thing in the room. She made everything stop in its place, and made everything seem more clearer. The things that hid in the dark, came into the light when she was around. I fell in love with her in one millisecond, with just a glance. She just stood there at the door. She was working, and so was I. We worked at the same job, and I never thought an annoying place like that, would have such a beautiful person like her.
I was struck instantly, she was standing there, looking into the distance. She was physically there, but I knew her mind was elsewhere. Her hair was short, gelled back into a mixture of curls and spikes. Her hair was darker than the thoughts I had before I laid my eyes on her. She had dark brown eyes, but it got lighter in the sun. She had light skin, and chubby cheeks. Her smile. Oh, her smile. It shined brighter than a thousand halos. She was about maybe 5’6, taller than me, but not by much. She stood there, her hands clasped together, oh so slightly. I was standing about ten feet away from her, and each inch that separated us, made me want her to be closer.  I didn’t know her name, but I felt I’ve seen her before. Maybe in a dream, that couldn’t come to memory, but my heart reacted as if it knew her for years.
I stood there greeting at the door, as people of mixed nationalities came in. I tried to keep my eyes toward the double doors, but my eyes kept traveling back to her. Trying to figure her out. At first, I thought she was a boy, but then I didn’t know if she was a girl. I wanted to approach her, but my manager walk past. I stood in my place, smiled at the people that were coming in and out. I felt my heartbeat get faster. I looked up at her and our eyes met.
I smiled politely, and she smiled softly back. My heart went sky high.
“Wow, she/he is beautiful!” I thought to myself.
She seemed like a person that could be read, but her looks fooled you. She had a guard up, that couldn’t let anyone in. Even if you knocked politely, she wouldn’t let you see past anything. I dropped my eyes from her, and stared at the floor. My black vans matching my slacks. I looked up, running my fingers through my hair. I took a deep breath. I went up and introduced myself, and it was the most single handedly best day of my life. That day I met my best friend, and later on my partner.
Me and her were best friends first, and usually people think that’s the best way to start. I was in the friend zone, but honestly it was better than any other friendship, and it was better than nothing at all. She made me laugh and smile bigger, brighter, and harder than anyone I ever knew. I never thought it would be possible to be so shy around one person and still be yourself. Although I was madly in love with her, my feelings had to be put in the back of my mind, in the back of my heart, and I had to somehow forget about them. I thought my life was already planned out, but I knew later on that it wasn’t planned around my happiness but around others. I was like a fence that protected someone else’s garden that was devoted to me. They say nothing is impossible, but that’s not true. Denying my feelings was the impossible. How can I deny my feelings, when my mind wandered endlessly every night about her? My feelings grew more and more, but I still somehow managed to deny it. How can I express feelings I never felt before? Especially when she was the same gender as me. I had crushes on girls but they always died down, but with her it just grew. She was like a single standing tree in a destroyed garden, that still had her leaves attached, changing colors. It was impossible to not stare at her, to not think about her, and impossible to forget about her
When we first admitted our feelings to each other, truthfully, that’s when I knew my life was gonna change, and it did. I remember smiling like a complete idiot over the phone, flirting with her, expressing our feelings to each other. We talked from 1am to 9am on the phone, and it was the greatest eight hour conversation I ever had with anyone in my life. I never could talk to anyone for that long on the phone or in person about anything. I always lost interest but with her, it never happened. I guess it was her goofiness, or maybe it was her charm, or maybe it was because I finally was feeling what I read about in books, and what I saw in movies. That one phone call, that one message, was the turning point for both of us. I remember my heart soaring higher than the moon, than the stars in the galaxy. She had no idea how I felt, and she had no idea how I saw her. Even through her flaws, she was still the most beautiful girl I knew.
I remember her telling me her past heartbreaks, and I remember her telling me her deepest secrets. I remember her telling me how badly she has been hurt in her twenty-two years of living, and my heart would shatter into a trillion pieces. Someone so full of life, and someone who made everyone around her laugh and smile, has been hurt countless times! More than anyone I’ve ever met and it wasn’t fair. I remember thinking how can such a precious soul be so broken? I remember wanting to hunt everyone who did her wrong down, give them the only lecture, and tell them how they lost the most: loyal, loving, amazing, kind-hearted person to ever walk this earth. I wanted God to have put her in my life before, so I could wipe her tears away and tell her how much I loved her. How much she meant to me. How badly I wanted to hug her and kiss her, and tell her ‘I’m here’. They were quick to leave her, when in reality she never did anything wrong. She gave them everything they wanted, and she was left stranded. How? Why? Till this day, I still don't understand why or how they could let someone as delicate as her go. I knew I had the perfect one, and I wasn’t going to let her go without fighting any battle that came my way being with her. Why wouldn’t I fight?
She was the good in the bad. The sun and the moon. The genuine happiness that warmed my heart at the toughest time. She is my reason for living, and the reason to smile everyday. She regained my faith, my hope, my strength. She was there when I had tear filled nights of sorrow and heartache. She took my heart in her hands, and warmed it up so it wouldn’t be stonecold. She was there pulling me up and taking me out of my deepest miseries. She was there, when everyone left me. She cheered me on, when everyone was there in silence. She gave me life, she was the reason I breathed. She still is, and she forever will be.
I was told that she will be the biggest mistake I ever made, that she was just going to break my heart in the process. I was told that "I was confused", that she confused me. I was told that me and her would never last, that she would throw me away soon. I was even called trash by someone that I hold dearly to my heart. All i could do was shake my head and say to those envious people:
“If she was going to be a mistake, then she would have to be the best mistake I ever made. If she broke my heart, it will still say her name. If she destroyed me, she would be the reason I got built back up again. You can say what you want about her, but if she ever broke my heart I wouldn’t mind. She would forever be the greatest thing to happen to me”
I vowed myself to always love her, and protect her. She would never have to question my loyalty, my love for her. I vowed to go to the ends of the earth, the universe, the galaxy just for her because I knew she was everything to me. And I was everything to her. She was the love of my life, and she was worth any battle and any obstacle that was thrown my way. She would never have to suffer anymore. As long as my heart was beating, as long as I was still walking on this earth, she would never be lonely, she would never have to have her head hang down in despair, she will never have to be restricted from being her true self. I vowed all these things the very moment I kissed her for the first time on a subway cart, at my stop, before getting off. Even though it was a three second kiss, it felt like i was kissing my forever, my eternity. I wasn’t going to break my vows, and I still haven’t till this day.
As of today, I am here with her. I haven't left her side, not once, not ever. We go through h--- and back for one another, and our love is like a rollercoaster ride that never stops. It never stops giving me the adrenaline, that pumps through my veins when i’m around her. No matter where we are, no matter where we go, I still see her as the girl I fell in love with that day, and it won’t ever change, no matter what people say nor do, she is my forever girl. My infinity. My internal joy. My everything.
My love, if you ever find this entry, if you ever find this journal, and let your curiosity wonder. I want you to know that I love you. No day goes by where my love for you doesn’t grow. Thank you for being you, and for being at the door that day. If we never crossed paths, I don’t think my life would be this bright, this adventurious, worth living. I don't think I would ever be the same, if I never met you, and If I walked right past you, and never noticed you. Thank you my love for everything.
Sincerely,          
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