I never thought you’d actually be gone. You
just, always seemed like you’d be there.
You’d been in my life so long that I just.
Never pictured it without you. I just didn’t
want to think about it, I guess.

I didn’t think I’d have to. You were so young
and healthy. We took you to the vet for a
cough, nothing major. We thought it was just
a cold or, maybe the flu. We thought we’d
walk away with some medicine and a soon
to be healthy dog. Instead, we left with a
diagnosis and a ticking clock.

The vet said we’d eventually need to put
you to sleep. We asked how we’d know
when, I mean, you seemed so happy and I
didn’t think you were in pain. She just said,
“You’ll know.”

We went home. The car ride was silent.
That night, when you came into my room to
sleep with me, you looked into my eyes. I
knew you loved me. I wonder if you knew I
loved you.

Time went on. Slowly, your breathing got
worse, and it took you longer to do normal
dog things. But you still seemed happy, so
we didn’t think it was “time” yet. Remember
when you got out that one time, and tried to
scare the neighbors chickens? But by the
time you got there, you were so tired you
just fell asleep next to them. You’re always
such a troublemaker.

Were. You, were, always a troublemaker.

And then, the day came. You. You wouldn’t
get out of your bed. I went to pet you, and
you looked up at me, and you just had so
much pain in your eyes. I knew it was time.
We drove to the vet in total silence. I didn’t
want to believe it was happening. You had
your head on my lap the entire time.

We got to the vet, and you sat quietly on the
table. Waiting. The vet got a shot ready, and
all of a sudden it was time to say goodbye.
How do you just say goodbye to your best
friend of six years? The one who has
ALWAYS been there for you? I pet your
head, and you looked into my eyes like you
had done so many times before. I knew you
loved me. And I think, in that moment, you
knew I loved you too.

And then you were gone. I pet your fur, but
it wasn’t you anymore. You were gone, and
there was no bringing you back. I broke. I
buried my face in your fur and I cried. I
cried, because I lost my best friend.

The entire ride home, I just stared at your
collar in my lap. Not even an hour before
you had been in this, happy. Alive. Now, you
were gone, and all I had left was your collar.

Your food bowl was still half full when we
got back. Pieces of kibble around it. You
were always such a messy eater. A couple
of your toys were scattered around the living
room. Your favorite though, the little
snowman with the chewed off arms? That
was in your bed, right where you left it.

That night, I changed into my pajamas that
were still covered in your fur. I opened my
door and for half a second I expected your
happy smile to be shoved through the door
like every night. I hadn’t even realized our
last night was our last night. I grabbed your
stupid squeaky snowman, put your collar on
it. I slept with them that night, just to have
part of you with me.

I sleep with them every night, still. It still
hurts, knowing you’re gone. You were my
best friend. You’ll always be my best friend.
I just wish. I just wish I had one more day to
show you that.