CHARACTER LIST 

ANNE: High School aged female. Overwhelmed teenager with an eccentric family. Has ambitions to play football.

SOUND EFFECTS GUY (SEG): Middle aged male. The narrator of ANNE’s life. Very sarcastic, humorous, and loud. Forced to play Anne’s grandmother, Queenie, very, very old female, peaceful, yoga obsessed, nature loving, retired.

BRIAN CAHN: High School aged male. ANNE’s friend, funny, outgoing and comfortable around people, is a figure skater.

BERTHA GERTRUDE THE FOURTH (BGTF): Young adult, can be played by either male or female. Neighborhood weirdo, carries an umbrella for fun, very loud and jumpy, spastic. She has a big brown mole on her face.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS: Tease Anne during football tryouts.

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SCENE 1 (ANNE'S HOUSE)

At rise: Lights up to reveal the interior of a small suburban house. ANNE is huddled on her bed wearing a football helmet and holding a football. SEG (as himself) is sitting on a desk.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): It was a typical day in Lake Steemor, just like this one...

ANNE: (football helmet stuck on Anne’s head) AAHHHHGG!! UGHHHHHH!! YOU GOTTA BE

KIDDING ME.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (looks at time) and 5 more minutes till the bus comes.

ANNE: UGH! (finally takes off football helmet) (to the audience) Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m wearing this fantastic football helmet!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Yep, we sure are, Anne.

ANNE: Really?

SEG (AS HIMSELF): You better believe it, baby.

ANNE: Quiet! I just need some peace and quiet...(to the audience) Well, I went to football tryouts today.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Cool, cool, I’ll tell them everything that happened.

ANNE: No, I have an idea. Let’s play out the story of my day.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): NOOOOOO, No way I'm doing that.

ANNE: Come on, you’ll be fine.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Anne, please don't make me do this...

ANNE: Why don't you want to? It’ll be fun.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): You know why... (pause) don't make me Annegry.

ANNE: Aw, don’t be that way. I mean the audience is Anneticipating a story. (Pause) How about we just go back to this morning...

SCENE 2 (ANNE’S HOUSE) (MORNING)

At rise: SEG (AS HIMSELF) walks backwards as if he’s rewinding. We see him read a book backwards in reverse. ANNE, walking backwards, moves back to her bed and sleeps. Lights

up.

ANNE: Today’s the day—football tryouts!! Let’s do this.

SEG (AS HIMSELF) walks in as Queenie wearing a flowy floral dress and a sun hat. He looks miserable wearing the dress. 

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (to audience) The actress who played Queenie, Anne’s grandma, called in sick today.

ANNE walks out of her room towards SEG (as Queenie). SEG (as Queenie) is in a T pose yoga position.

SEG (AS QUEENIE): (resilient, struggling, eyes closed) The world is a beautiful place filled

with peace, love, and good hope. As we go through the inner circle of life we must remember the ways of nature and the soothing sounds of the Earth.

ANNE: And Good Morning to you too, Queenie.

SEG (AS QUEENIE): (run to Anne and touch her face) Ooh look the blessed young creature has emerged from her slumber. Here, have this Tieguanyin tea from our ancient ancestors in the Fujang regions of China (hands ANNE serving tray with cups). It will bring us enlightenment and the process of reincarnation.

ANNE: Thanks Queenie. Guess what today is?

SEG (AS QUEENIE): 30% off at SoulCycle Day?

ANNE: Football tryouts!

SEG (AS QUEENIE): Ohhh? Honey bunches, back in my day, my sisters and brothers roamed the great green forests and smelled the honey dew scents of the earth. As our mother god blessed and smiled after us.

ANNE: Uhhh...

SEG (AS QUEENIE): (points to forehead) you see this glowy youthful skin. It was a gift from mother nature-- bird poop face masks.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): EWWW! She’s nasty!

ANNE: Oh no, I gotta catch the bus!

SEG (AS QUEENIE): (begins Tai Chi Movements) As we learned in Tai Chi “Zuǒyòu Yémǎ Fēnzōng” The movements of oneself are not from objects around us, but from the inner soul. My little Anne, the bus has already left.

ANNE: Already? Crap!

SEG (AS QUEENIE): That’s right. Bird crap facials. Now you’ve got it!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (Like a Comic Rimshot) Badum chssh.

ANNE: You think you could drive me, Queenie?

SEG (AS QUEENIE): Oh Anne, you are such a silly little creature. I sold my car to Karen, the lady with the Iberian Lynx cats, two days ago. Did you know that vehicles can pollute our earth drastically? We cannot let our mother god suffer. Why don't you walk to school and experience the beauty of what our world has to offer?

ANNE: WhaaaaaaaAAAAAtttttt?

SEG (AS HIMSELF): WhaaaaaaaAAAAAtttttt?

ANNE: But.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): But.

SEG (AS QUEENIE): Go outside. The leaves, wind, grass, birds, Iberian Lynx cats are all in harmony together. Our world is very annetresting.

SEG (AS QUEENIE) freezes

ANNE: (turns to the audience) Alright I forgot to properly introduce myself but hi my name’s Anne. I live in a very very small town called Lake Steemor with my grandma, Queenie. Our town is extremely small. There isn’t a lot of cell service or tourists and our closest Starbucks is 46 miles away. We’re practically hermits!

SEG (AS QUEENIE): What she’s saying is, People in this town are normal except for a few koo koo banana types like Anne, me: her super hot, young, and fabulous grandma, her friend Brian, and Bertha Gertrude the Fourth. Oh dear, Gertrude. You’ll be meeting her very soon.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Yassss. Preach it!

ANNE: Oh yeah and that's Sound Effects Guy. He's my narrator/ grandma/ second me. We joke around about practically anything, but sometimes he can get a bit annoying...

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Uhhhh we’re workanne on our friendship.

ANNE: Anyways, You’ve already met my nature-obsessed grandma. She’s insane in the membrane! Insane in the brain! (Anne stares at SEG (as queenie) with anticipation.) And she loves to twirl in her sundress.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (he reluctantly twirls.) UGHHH. I am seriously not getting paid enough for this.

ANNE: You’re getting paid for this?! And just wait until you meet my friend Brian.

SCENE 3 (STREET)

At rise: ANNE is now in the streets of her neighborhood on her way to school followed by SEG (as himself). BRIAN is onstage, awaiting ANNE’s arrival.

BRIAN: Anne! Where were you? You missed the bus.

ANNE: Sorry, Brian, Queenie was yammering on and on about bird poop face masks...

BRIAN: Sounds like her. (BRIAN now reveals a pair of brown ice skates from behind his back). I’ve got figure skating after school today.

ANNE: Hey, is your skating coach still ummm... Gaga Lady?

BRIAN: Oh yea she changed her name from Galiana Larson to Gaga Lady. She said it added more oomphs and jazz and sass!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): More OOMPHS and JAZZ and SASS!

BRIAN: Anyways, yesterday she asked me “How is music like ice skating?”

ANNE: Uhhh, Your career’s over after a bad score?

BRIAN: Nope, If you don't “C sharp” you’ll “B flat.”

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (Sarcastically) HAHHAH Brian you are soooo funny! I am dying of laughter. HAHAHHHA SO SO SO funny. Can we please give you an award for the most humorous and handsome man in the world!!??

ANNE (IGNORING SEG (AS HIMSELF)): Umm, Let’s just walk to school now?

BRIAN: So, you guys know that Bertha Gertrude the Fourth lady?

ANNE: You mean the Bertha Gertrude the Fourth?

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Emphasis on the.

ANNE: Totally know her. She was chasing me home yesterday and going after my football!

BRIAN: Oh my gosh. Do you know what this means?

ANNE: No..?

BRIAN: It means you’re next!

ANNE: Next? For what?

BRIAN: For the attack of the Bertha!!

ANNE: (genuinely scared) What's that?

BRIAN: (menacing) It means she’ll follow you home, creep into your house, and steal one thing. In your case, it's your football. AND LASTLY, SHE WILL JUMP AND TWIRL HER UMBRELLA!!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (says in a creepy low voice) And you’ll never see your football again...

ANNE: WHAAAAAAT!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Guys...

BRIAN: That's how the Bertha Gertrude works.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Guys...

ANNE: Sound Effects Guy, only I can hear you!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Look!

ANNE: No.

BRIAN: (takes oversized sunglasses from bag and wears them, trying to hide from Bertha) Oh no.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Can my lunch break be now?

ANNE: BERTHA

BRIAN: GERTRUDE

ANNE: THE FOURTH!!!

BGTF: (enters carrying an umbrella) Hiiiiiiiiii.... guyyyyyyys...

BRIAN: Heeehehhe... Hi Bertha you look so charming today.

BGTF: (pointing to her mole) Thaaaanks, do yooooooouuu like my moooollle? I named it watttttermooooleonnnnn.

ANNE: You should have named it nemole. (To audience) Get it? Like Nemo, but Nemole?

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (Comic Rimshot) Badum chssh.

BGTF: Anyyyyyhhhhhowww, Shouldn’t you guysssss be at schooooooool? And Anne, don’t you have something annnnneeeetristing today?

ANNE: Uhhh...How do you know about football tryouts?

BGTF: I didn’t, youuuuu just told me. But look, I seeee that yuuouuu have your fooooootballl with you.

BRIAN: You guys see what I mean? We better run!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Time for a chase scene. (jumps and twirls umbrella)

BGTF grabs ANNE’s football and runs. ANNE, BRIAN, and SEG (as himself) starts chasing after her. They are all in slow motion. Comical choreographed chase continues. EVERYONE is still in slow motion until the next scene.

BGTF: (Shoves umbrella unto ANNE, BRIAN, and SEG (as himself)) heeeeeheeeeee you can’t caaaattttch me!

ANNE: AAGHHHHH!!!

Blackout.

SCENE 4 (BERTHA’S HOUSE)

At rise: We hear ANNE’s screams over the blackout. Lights up. We are now at BGTF’S house. Her house is filled with brown objects such as a brown chair, brown toy (director can choose which object depending on what’s available). ANNE bursts into the house screaming. We are no longer in slow motion.

ANNE: AAAAGGGGHHHHH!

BRIAN: Umm....Where are we?

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Well, we are in Scene 4, Bertha’s house, onstage, and Bertha Gertrude the Fourth should be coming out in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

Lights flicker on and off, intense music builds up, stage goes pitch dark for a couple of seconds, spooky, mysterious.

BGTF: (offstage whispers on and on, simultaneous with below) Bertha Gertrude, Bertha Gertrude, Bertha Gertrude...

BRIAN: (simultaneous with above) Sound Effects Guy was this in the script because I don't re---

Suddenly, lights up and the stage is back to normal.

BGTF: (enters) Holy moley! I got yoooouuu guyyyssss so so so gggoooood.

ANNE: Wow, your house is...

BRIAN: Incredimole!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): I mean I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but my team did create the props, scenery, music, and flickering of the lights.

BGTF: Well as youuu can allll see, iiii have a secret obsession with theeee color brown. I have a brrrrooowwwwn _____(insert brown prop), brroooooowwwwn_______(insert brown prop), annnndddd evvveeven brrrooooowwwwn_______ (insert brown prop). My mooooole is brown too! I will bbeeeee coooompeeeeting at the International tieeee design contest annndddd need yourrrr football as theeee material for my tiieeee.

BRIAN: Wow! Anne who knew your football could be so fannetasticly special?

ANNE: It really tiiieees the room together, doesn’t it?

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (Like a Comic Rimshot) Badum chssh.

ANNE: Bertha... I have football tryouts in 10 minutes. I really need my football!!

BGTF: Wellllll, I realllllly neeeeeeed this football, too.

ANNE: Please.

BGTF: Nnnooooooo.

ANNE: But please.

BGTF: But Nnnnooooo.

ANNE: Is there any way I can get my football back?

BGTF: I donnnn't think sooooo

EVERYONE EXCEPT BGTF: What?!

BRIAN: I’ll trade my brown ice skates for the football?

BERTHA GETRUDE THE FOURTH (TO ANNE): Don’t be annnneexxiousss. I wwwilll give yoooouu back yourrrr football for Briiiiiiannnnns ice skates (pause, the others jump up and down happily) PSYCH! No I won't give your football back hehe. Thiiis footbaaall is waaay too impoooortant for MMMMMY tie collection. Sorrrrry but Beeertha coomes first, weirdo friennnnd group coooomes... (thinks about it-- the others lean in, waiting for an answer) I'll get back to you on that.

ANNE: We don’t have time. Uhhhh lets just go to tryouts without the football.

Anne exists, Brian exits while making a nasty face at Bertha. SEG (AS HIMSELF) exits while making a nasty face at Bertha.

Lights dim.

SCENE 5 (FOOTBALL TRYOUTS)

At rise: Lights up. ANNE is center stage in the middle of football tryouts. BRIAN and SEG (as himself) are on the side in the “stands” cheering for her. Anne runs in slow motion during the tryout but all kicks, actions, and dialogue are at regular speed.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (Like a sports announcer) Alright who’s ready for some tryouts? Here we go, the clock is counting down and Anne travels to the 3 yard line without her football. Ohh and she gets hit on the left. She gets up and... Ohh and she gets pushed out of bounds. This does not look good for Anne....Will she make it all the way to the endzone?

BRIAN: Come on Anne. You got this!

Anne runs in slow motion.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): To the 13 yard- and ohhh and she is struggling still, but she’s now at the 20...Ohhh and she almost gets knocked out.... will she make it?

FOOTBALL PLAYER ONE: Leave this game weirdo! A girl can’t play football.

FOOTBALL PLAYER TWO: You will never make it on the team. It's impossible.

Anne struggles to run to the endzone.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Ooooo and there is some sexist taunting going on here, well this is my first time in my 34 years as a high school football play by play announcer that I’ve ever seen this many sexist taunts... and Anne crosses the midfield wow go Anne...but will she make it?

Anne again runs in slow motion as if she’s working toward the end zone.

FOOTBALL PLAYER THREE: You will never make it in football. Just leave and stop wasting our time. Anne continues to struggle toward the endzone.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Inside the 30 ... oh no and she gets hit.... Will she rise up?

FOOTBALL PLAYER FOUR: (taunting as Anne) “oooooo I’m Anne and I play football and I suck at football but I still play it HAHHAH”

Anne struggles to stand. BGTF secretly sneaks in the “stands” and overhears what is happening. Concerned. 

FOOTBALL PLAYER ONE: Anne, you don’t matter. Girls cannnet play sports.

GERTRUDE: (jumps in with the new football that's bigger and shinier and hugs Anne) I believvve in you Anne! You got this! Let the weeeirdos stick TOGETHER and reeejoice!!!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Wow Gertrude jumps in with a new football that's bigger and shinier!

Anne manages to stand up and kicks each football player one after the other in the shin at regular speed. Now Anne runs with intensity and grit.

BGTF: (jumps and twirls her umbrella) The anneticipation intensifies. You go girl!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): And she’s gonna race to the end zone and TOUCHDOWN!! Anne has been the first girl to join Lake Steemor’s football team! Go Anne!

FOOTBALL PLAYERS (HOLDING THEIR SHINS IN PAIN): Gosh, we have learned a valuable lesson today. We will never doubt girls again.

ANNE runs to the side “stands” and hugs BRIAN, SEG (as himself), and BERTHA GERTRUDE THE FOURTH. Everyone is cheering and whooping for Anne’s touchdown. BGTF jumps and twirls her umbrella repeatedly. EVERYONE freezes except ANNE and SEG (as himself).

ANNE: You know, Lake Steemor really isn’t that bad. The town might be bland, but we weirdos add flavor. Right, Gertrude?

BGTF: (holds up 2 giant brown foam hands.) Yoooouuu goottttt it girlllllll!

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Alright! Actors offstage! Dim lights, please. Hey, I said dim lights! Time for the last scene.

Lights dim. Everyone exists except SEG (AS HIMSELF).

SCENE 6 (5 YEARS LATER)

At rise: Lights up. SEG (as himself) center stage, sits in a chair.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Now you might be wondering what the characters are up to 5 years later.... Well, Brian officially quit ice skating. (Brian walks on stage wearing a button-down shirt and holding a guitar) He is on his way into the entertainment industry. He even changed his name from Brian Cahn to Cooper Bradley and is performing a duet with his former ice-skating coach GaGa Lady.

BRIAN: (playing the guitar): “Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world.” (freezes on stage).

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Our so-called weirdo “friend” Bertha Gertrude The Fourth became one of the judges for Project Runway (Bertha enters on the phone wearing an all brown suit) and is launching her brown exclusive tie clothing line this upcoming spring. PS: Bertha Gertrude got rid of eeeeellloooonnggigatting her words because it wasn't “boujee” enough for the fashion industry.

BGTF: (talking to his personal assistant, Janice, wearing a brown outfit and holding his umbrella) Alright Janice so 1-3 we shoot for Project Runway, (SEG takes a photo of BGTF) umm no pictures please or you’ll speak to my lawyer, he's from BROWN University with a PhD in law! Janice did you get my Iced Caramel coffee with almond milk, 1.67 shots of Espresso, 4 pumps of Pineapple ginger syrup-- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY WHITE SUGAR!! NO JANICE NO BROWN SUGAR ONLY! KK byeeeee. (jumps and twirls her umbrella and freezes on stage).

SEG (AS HIMSELF): (takes out tissues) Now, our beloved Queenie has taken part in reincarnation and nature herself. (Heavenly music begins) She is no longer here, however, her spirit and inner soul will always be with us. (takes out Soul Cycle coupon in pocket) Oh and Queenie never experienced her 30% off at SoulCycle Day. We will miss you, Queenie.

Ray of light passes through the stage as it represents Queenie’s ghost passing by.

SEG (AS HIMSELF): Anne is now the first woman to be a part of the Dallas Cowboys football team. (Anne enters wearing a football helmet and jersey. She kicks and punts and runs.) She is on her way to creating the very first National Football League for Women. Anne, you go girl with your big annespirtations! She even scored the final touchdown allowing the Dallas Cowboys to win the Superbowl!!

ANNE: (kisses the football, looks, and points up to the sky) This is for you Queenie! (freezes on stage.)

SEG (AS HIMSELF): We all left Lake Steemor and everyone pursued their passions and chased their dreams. For me, I quit the Sound Effects Guy job and began writing. I wrote about my past town and realized that we all wouldn't be here without it. This play was actually written by me so I thank you all for being an incredible audience. Gooooooood night! (Stands up from chair) Also, you might have viewed Bertha as a crazy character, but she showed everyone that being weird and different is perfect the way it is. (EVERYONE merges together and holds hands) Brian was passionate about ice skating and music, Anne had an interest in football and although it may be untraditional, everyone lived happily ever after.

EVERYONE stays onstage. Lights dim.

END OF PLAY