I’m (Not) Lovin` It.
Characters:
Nigel
Rebecca
Setting: McDonald’s, Nigel enters holding Rebecca’s hand, visibly excited and smiling. He’s a popular jock type, wearing a letterman. Rebecca is dressed in black cocktail dress with make-up and hair styled. She looks around, confused as they get in line at the register
Nigel: Do you know what you want?
Rebecca: What do you mean?
Nigel: Do you know what you want to eat?
Rebecca: We’re eating here?
Nigel: Yeah! I love McDonalds.
Rebecca: But… I thought we were on a date.
Nigel: We are! I like you a lot so I thought I’d take you to my favorite place.
Rebecca pauses, confused but begins laughing as though she understood a joke she missed. Nigel chuckles uncomfortably
Nigel: What’s so funny?
Rebecca: Oh you’re good.
Nigel: Good at what?
Rebecca: I love when guys have a sense of humor.
Nigel: I didn’t know I was being funny.
Nigel laughs with her and then moves up in line
Nigel: I guess I’m cool even when I’m not trying So do you know what you want?
Rebecca: Don’t overdo it. The joke was funny once, let’s go.
Rebecca giggles and playfully pushes at his shoulders
Nigel: What joke? Here, I’ll order for you.
Nigel winks at her and walks up to a register. Rebecca is stunned.
Nigel: We’ll have two kids meals, mine with a burger and hers with... McNuggets, one boy toy and one girl… Yeah, that’s all. Thank you. Oh and two drinks. We’re order number 12, here’s our cups so you can get us drinks. I’ll have a coke.
Rebecca takes the cups and goes to the drink dispenser as Nigel waits for the food. Nigel approaches her with their food and nudges her handing her the tray and walks ahead , guiding her to their table. They sit down and he unwraps his food. Rebecca sits there, waiting. She clears her throat several times.
Rebecca: Are you making fun of me?
Nigel chews his food and wipes his face
Nigel: Making fun of you?
Rebecca: Yeah, is this some kind of joke you guys play on girls?
Nigel: Hold on, I should let you know something..
Rebecca: Okay good, some kind of explanation would be nice.
Nigel: Before we get serious.. I don’t know where you’re getting this from, but… I’m not as funny as you think I am.
Rebecca: This isn’t funny at all!
Nigel: Exactly, why do you keep thinking I’m joking?
Rebecca: We’re at McDonalds and I’m dressed like this, thinking it’s a real date. Why are we at a stupid fast food place?!
Nigel: But.. McDonalds..
Rebecca: YES, McDonalds, what the f***?
Nigel: I really like McDonalds, that’s why I took you here. You’re the only girl I’ve ever taken to McDonalds and I wanted this to be special.
Rebecca: Then why didn’t you take me someplace like The Ritz, The Clambell, or Olive Garden?
Nigel: Why would we go to an Olive Garden? I don’t want to pick olives.
Rebecca: It’s a restaurant..
Nigel: But McDonalds is so much cooler.
Rebecca: How in the world is it cooler?
Nigel: They have a ball pit and fries! Do you want to play in the ball pit with me?
Rebecca: I’m in a dress… and there are children in the ball pit, we are not children, Nigel.
Nigel: We’re not adults yet either.
Rebecca: We should be trying to act like them.
Nigel: I’d rather be a kid. Did you finish your food?
Rebecca: No. I’m not eating.
Nigel: Well, fine, what toy did you get? I got an iron man action figure.
Rebecca throws the toy out of her happy meal at Nigel. He catches and looks at it excitedly
Nigel: YES, It’s fluttershy! I’ve been waiting for this one.
Rebecca: How are you so popular?
Nigel: What do you mean?
Rebecca: I thought you’re supposed to be one of the coolest guys in school
Nigel: Oh no no no, me? No way
Rebecca: The quarterback is always the most popular guy.
Nigel bites into his sandwich and explains to her as he chews
Nigel: See, you’re new so you wouldn’t know but jocks aren’t cool at our school really.
Rebecca: Then who is popular?
Nigel: Brad, the chess team leader is the guy who gets all the girls.
Rebecca: How is it the chess team leader gets more girls than the high school quarterback?
Nigel: I think it’s the brains. Most girls don’t go for guys who are just good at sports and though it may surprise you... I don’t have the best grades..
Rebecca: You’re kidding.. right?
Nigel: I’m actually a really serious guy you know. Focused. I think you need to learn to take things more seriously.
Rebecca rubs her temples
Nigel: Can you get me another coke?
Rebecca stands up and grabs his cup, going to the drink machine
Nigel: Oh and some ketchup too
Goes back to the table with the drink and sits down
Nigel: Did you get ketchup?
Rebecca frustrated gets up and goes to get ketchup and stops
Rebecca: No, I’m not doing this anymore.
Nigel: Getting Ketchup? I only asked you to get some once-
Rebecca: This is the worst date. Ever.
Nigel: What did I do?
Rebecca: You brought me to fricken McDonalds and keep making me go to get you drinks and condiments-
Nigel: But I only asked for ketchup once-
Rebecca: I don’t care! Get your own god damn ketchup!
Nigel: I thought you liked me?
Rebecca: I liked you because I thought you were cool, but you’re not. I’m out of here.
Nigel: But I was going to buy you a McFlurry.
Rebecca starts walking away with her purse in hand.
Nigel: The one with M&M’s!
Rebecca walks out the door
Nigel: But I love you!
End