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The Day Before I Die
You may think this story is just another fairy tale where everyone lives happily ever after. Well your wrong, this story is nothing like that. I’ll tell you a little bit about myself, I’m the type of person that can’t stand people thinking I’m a big snob. Just because my parents are rich and I can get anything I want. I run my whole school, people look up to me, and they want to be like me. I don’t mind if they want to be like me, but it gets so annoying afterwards. Let’s just say my two best friends and I are the nicest people in the whole school, but then you meet Ashley Whaz and Lily Scott. You don’t want to meet them or be their friends. They’ve been trying to take over the school for three years now, and no they were never close to taking over the school. You maybe wondering who I am, I’m Rosa Alan and I’m going to tell you about the day before I die.
It’s just another day at my house; all I can pay attention to are the sounds of the maids and chef running around, and the smell of bacon and eggs. Belle, the house keeper came into my room to wake me up. Just like every day my parents aren’t home. They always have an important meeting to go to. I got out of bed and walked into the dinning room. Chef Will greeted me with my breakfast, eggs and bacon with orange juice on the side. I thanked him with a smile on my face. I was eating quietly when I heard this bizarre noise from the basement.
“What was that?” I asked with fear in my eyes.
“What was what?” answered Belle.
“You didn’t hear that?” I asked.
“No. I think your just hearing things.” said Belle.
I just dropped the subject and kept eating my breakfast. I can already hear Mary skipping into my house with an eager face.
“Rosa! Did you hear that 3 new guys are coming to are school today!” shouted Mary, my best friend in the whole wide world.
“OMG! I heard they were suppose to be hot too!” screamed Abby, my second best friend and is like a big sister to Mary and I.
I just look at them while they were screaming and shook my head. I got up and went back upstairs to get ready for school. When I came out of the bathroom, I went to my huge closet and picked out some clothes. I always have to wear converse. They’re my favorite kind of shoes. I have brown hair, brown eyes, and my skin tone is tan.
When I pulled into school all I can hear were the girls high-pitched screaming. I walked over to where all the girls were screaming. I peeked over them and saw three guys that looked like rock stars. One had curly hair, a nice smile, and was probably the youngest one. The second one had straight hair and looks like he doesn’t want to be here. The third one was probably the oldest one. He had curly hair and seems pretty nice. They all had a nice body, they’re fit, and they look strong. I decide to help them out and away from the screaming girls.
“Hey girls look! It’s Zac Efron!” I yelled.
Of course every girl screamed and ran like idiots looking for Zac Efron.
“Ewww move Rosa! Zac is mine.” said Ashley.
I turned around to see them looking at me.
“Um… You’re welcome?” I said with a anxious smile.
“Thanks. I’m Nick, this is Joe, and that’s Kevin. We’re brothers.” said Nick.
He seems pretty nice. Unlike the other one name Joe he just looked at me like I was dumb or stupid. He also gave me a death stare.
“I’m sorry about Joe. He didn’t want to move here, but look on the bright side you have two brothers who loves you already!” said Kevin with a big grin on his face.
I chuckle and thanked him.
By the end of the day I was already close to Kevin and Nick. Joe on the other hand, is still not my friend. It also seems as if he hates me. Mary and Abby can’t wait to meet them. They’re coming over tonight. Nick seems like a nice guy, Mary would like him. He has the same taste as Mary. He likes converse, is romantic, and dress nice. Abby would totally fall for Kevin. Kevin is really thoughtful; he treats me as if I was his sister. When I got home, I swear I saw something in the window. It was a black figure, but it moved to fast for me to even see what it was. All I could think about for the rest of the day was if this house was haunted or if there is someone in my basement wanting to kill me. There was this part of me that wanted to go down there to see if there was anything down there. I walked to my living room when I heard someone calling my name.
“Rosaaa!! Rosaa!!” whispered someone.
“Who’s there??” I said with a frighten voice.
“I’ll get you for what you did!” yelled someone.
“Why? What did I do?” I yelled, but the voice was already gone.
I was scare; all I could think about was that voice. I was walking back and forth when I heard a loud BOOM. I screamed, I gradually walked to the front door and swung it open. My heart stopped beating for a second just to realize it was Mary, Abby, Kevin, Nick, and Joe standing right in front of me.
“Rosa, are you okay?” Mary asked.
I could tell Mary and Abby were worry about me.
“Yea I’m fine.” I said and walked back inside.
They all walked in right behind me. When we walked into the living room the brother’s mouth dropped open.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked.
“This place is huge.” Nick answered.
“Thanks, I get that a lot.” I said.
“Isn’t your parents home?” Joe asked.
“Wow he speaks, and no they’re never home.” I answered back.
Why does it feel so awkward now? Joe and I are finally getting along. I’m scare to say this, but I think I’m in love with a stranger. Before long we all heard something from the basement.
“What was that?” asked Joe.
“I don’t know. I’ve been hearing that noise all day.” I said.
“Let’s go check it out.” said Joe.
We all followed him to the basement door. I can’t believe I’m about to do this. He opened the door and we walked right down the stairs. There is something about these stairs that keeps coming to my mind. Just when I’ve reached the bottom I notice something, something about this staircase. I’ve been down here before, but when? Oh no! It’s coming back.
“Rosa help me!” yelled Lily.
I stood there watching them take away my older sister. They took her downstairs, all I could hear were her screaming for help. They force me to watch her get beat. I thought I lost her forever. Just to see her lifeless body on the ground and me not doing anything to help, hunts me. The worst part was that they were my parents. They killed their own daughter right in front of me. I can’t believe I forgot about that day. Today would be the day she got killed.
“Rosa is there something wrong?” asked Joe.
“They killed her! They killed her down here!” I shouted with tears streaming down my face.
“Who killed who?” asked Abby.
“LILY! THEY KILLED LILY!” I yelled.
“I thought she ran away?” said Mary.
“No she didn’t. My parents killed her.” I said as my voice was cracking.
Just then something came out of a dark corner. I looked and my heart dropped. It couldn’t have been. She was dead. I was pretty sure of it. She died right in front of me.
“Very good Rosa, you were always mom and dad’s favorite child. I was nothing to them.” said Lily as tears were streaming down her face.
“What are you talking about? Mom and dad both loved us.” I said.
“Yea, then why am I still down here?” asked Lily.
I can’t believe it. She’s right. I looked down with nothing to say to my big sister. How can I forget this, they try killing my sister. When I looked up I saw Lily with a knife in her hand.
“Lily put the knife down. We can talk about this.” said Mary.
“Oh little Mary, I’m not putting it down until I get what I want.” said Lily.
“What do you want?” asked Abby.
“Rosa.” answered Lily.
My heart stopped beating. She wanted me dead. Then someone grabbed my hand and pulled me. I looked up to see Joe. After that I saw nothing, but the darkness.
I woke up to the sound of people shouting at each other. The voices, they sound like my parents and Lily talking.
“Lily, you let Rosa go now!” screamed my dad.
“Oh daddy, I’m not going to be pushed around no more. I’m taking something special away from you, like you did to me.” said Lily.
“And what’s that?” asked my dad.
“Your little girl, Rosa of course.” answered Lily.
“You wouldn’t!” shouted my mom.
I try my best to stand up, but my head just hurt so much. I finally got up and everyone was looking at me. I looked to my left to see all my friends tied up. I looked to my right and found Joe tied up. I look forward to see my parents and Lily. Lily looked straight at me and came towards me. I knew this was the end. My parents were trying to stop her. Before I knew it, it was inside of me. I looked at her face, she was smirking with joy. She knew she won this battle, but as for me I lost. I looked down to see blood everywhere. I was getting light headed. I turn to look at my friends. Mary and Abby were crying their eyes out. As for Joe he looked so shock and helpless. My parents were calling the police. And me you ask, I fell to the ground and closed my eyes to sleep forever.
I woke up and when I opened my eyes, I saw the brightness everywhere around me. All I could think of was where am I. I glanced up to see who was in front of me, just then something pulled me down. I was falling so fast. Before long I was standing in a hospital room. I looked around and I found somebody under a white cloth. I walked closer and my heart beat faster. I quickly remove the cloth. I was shock, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The person lying there was… me.
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This article has 19 comments.
Okay, sorry to be blunt, but this needs a lot of work. First, the story line was unclear. Did Lily die? Why were your parents in the basement? A lot of things don't add up and left me trying to fill in blanks.
Second, there were so many grammatical errors. Be aware of what type of "your" you are using. Also, there were so many sentence fragments and run on senences. Be careful of subject-verb agreement and comma use. A major pet peeve of mine and all of my teachers is changing tense, which you did muliple times. Pick a tense and stick with it.
Third, your dialogue and many elements of the story seemed extremely forced. Always ask yourself "Would I say this to my friend?" If the answer is no, try to rephrase it. Also, let the story unfold itself. If you feel like you have to force the next event to happen, the reader will notice.
Lastly, seriously? The Jonas Brothers? I like them and that part of the story bugged me so much. It detracts from the integrity of the story big time. If you feel an extreme, slightly irrational urge to salute the Jonas Brothers in your work, just use one of their names. Then again, using none of their names would be just fine too... (Trust me on this one.)
Again, sorry for being so blunt. I just wanted to lay it all out so you could improve your story and bring out your full potential. Good luck in your future writing.