In China, everyone calls me Huan Huan (欢欢). Huan means “happy,” but it is usually paired with Le (乐), which is why my parents named my twin brother Le Le (乐乐). I love seeing people smile when they hear our nicknames for the first time. As a young child, I introduced myself as “Wan Wan,” because I wasn’t able to pronounce the “H” sound correctly. Many of my relatives tease me about it to this day. Before the pandemic, my family and I traveled to China every other year. The gentle aura of my grandparent’s home always made me feel at peace. While eating hotpot, my aunts would talk about how much I’ve grown, and my uncles would ask me how school was going. My favorite cousins would take me shopping at huge Chinese malls. Huan Le (欢乐)  reflects my emotions while being in China. Unfortunately, I have not been able to go back in years. I have felt caught between the parts of identity.

The first time I questioned my Asian American identity was in the third grade, when a classmate asked me why I have an English name instead of a Chinese name. Unsure of what to say, I responded with a shrug. However, that question lingered in the back of my mind for years, until I finally asked my parents about my name. My parents named me Kylie to protect me from the struggles of having an ethnic name. My full Chinese name is Zhou Xin Mei. Xin means to bring happiness to someone and Mei is my Grandma’s name. Not only do I love the way it sounds, but I also feel a deep connection with its meaning. Over the years, I have also developed a love for my English name. To me, it represents my life growing up in America. The majority of the people I know call me Kylie: my siblings, friends, teachers. From walking around New York City to trick or treating on Halloween, I can’t help but grow fond of the American part of my identity. 

Living on the other side of the world, I often feel disconnected from the Asian part of my identity. However, when I am called by my nickname, I’m brought back to the joy and comfort I felt from being with my family in China. To the large family gatherings where we wrapped dumplings together. To the laughter that filled the air on night drives in the city of Nanjing. I am filled with happy memories that I will forever hold close to my heart.