Stop following me. Stop making me afraid. Stop making me hide from nothing. Please, i beg you, just stop. As I walk down the hall, there you are..never mind, scratch that out-there they are. People are everywhere and anywhere, watching and waiting for me to make my next move. It`s better to not make eye contact with them. Then, there`s a better chance they won`t notice me. I`ll be indivisible to them. They won`t be able to judge me or whisper secretive things about me to their friends. They can`t say that I`m weird or dumb if they don`t know me, so I won`t say a word to them..I`ll just keep my head down and keep walking as fast as I can to my next class.
But wait. Why is it so hard to walk to class by myself? Oh yeah, there are people walking behind me. What if they`re talking about me? What if they`re laughing at what I`m wearing or the way i walk? Are they just staring at me? I can`t deal with this. I need to avoid them. I don`t want them to see me. It`s too much stress and it`s definitely worth the risk of getting in trouble by the hall monitor if I go down the wrong hallway so they`re not behind me, or maybe I`ll go hide in the bathroom and be tardy until i look outside the bathroom doors and make sure the coast is clear.
During study hall, all of my friends go to a different classroom and invite me, but i always decline their invitation so that i don`t have to go and face and entire new classroom full of people i don't know. However, I do want to go to the library because no one is there during advisory. I`ll just go there and hide in one of the isles, but not to read, in fact i hate reading, but to gather my thoughts and forget everything around me for the next 30 minutes or so. Wait, what`s that? I hear the clamorous library doors shut. Oh no, someones in here. What if they come in the isle I`m in? It`s okay, if they make their way towards you, just go to a different isle. No big deal. I look to see who it is and it`s a girl that i can`t stand. She bullies me and she just so happens to be coming towards my isle as i peep around the bookshelf. I quickly run to the other side of the library and look to see when she enters one of the isles, which is when I`ll make me next move to get out of there!
It`s very devastating to see the same person in the same day. I can`t stand it. Sometimes, i even fear to go to class because i see the same people everyday. What if they look at me and call me out on my appearance? Some of my peers make me feel uncomfortable and even the teachers do too. I hate when they look at me. I want to be indivisible. Then, i don't have to deal with all the madness. I don`t want people to know my name or what i look like. I fear that the judgment will be too harsh and i dont want to have to go through that again.
I sit in the back of the class room all by myself. I see and hear my classmates talking about upcoming events, sports, school, and especially other people. I look at them like they`re my little experimentation. I use them to find out the information i need about things and also what their personalities are like. However, there are some things that i don`t need to know too. For example, there was the dance last Friday,which i did not attend and I`m glad i didn`t because the girls in front of me were talking about how ugly some girls dresses were. And just to think, i could have been one of those girls with the ugly outfit that they were talking about. I was actually asked by two cute guys to go with them, but i regretfully declined. I wish i would`ve went though. I`m sure it would`ve been fun and helpful to me in some way.
When the classroom bell rings, i am the first one out the door. It saddens me that I`m too afraid to walk alone though. And it also makes me upset when I`m scared to even go sit beside my friends because they might think I`m bothering them. I don`t want to be alone and look like the loser who has no friends. Thats my worst nightmare. If anything, I just hide in the bathroom when it gets too stressful. I stand there for 10 to 30 minutes just regaining all of my thoughts and redoing my make up and hair so i don't look gross. My body tells me I`m average weight, but my mind tells me different. It tells me that I`m disgusting. I`ve tried to make myself throw up, but I`ve never had the guts to do so when it came to that point which makes me both relieved and disappointed of myself. I hear tons of girls that are bigger than me talking about how much they weigh and how happy they are..i will admit that they do look great! Why cant i have that confidence and attitude towards myself?
But of course, I go in the wrong direction instead and isolate myself from everybody. When I come home I go straight to my room and lock the door. This is the best part of my day because there is no expectations and nobody can tell me what or who i should be like. This is where i can talk to my friends. The ones who i make up with my imagination that is. I make up stories in my head and i speak for them and for myself. I have the confidence to tell them how i feel and what i think. It tells, well, "they" tell me that what i talk about is fine and theres nothing wrong with the way i think and feel about things. I want to convince myself that i can gain confidence by doing this, but its not really helping. I feel crazy when i do it, but my imagination is the best place in the world sometimes. Sometimes, my real friends will want me to come over, but i always tell them no so i can go home and talk to my fake ones. They`re like my diary and i tell "them" everything. They`re my best friends because they understand and they listen without judgment.
I hate it though. Everything about me. I don't even want to go to school, but its because of the people. I hate being picked on and looked at like im the dumbest person in the world. What they don't know is that im actually a very likable person and i was ranked first at the top of my class this year.Sometimes i wonder why i was put on this earth. When i was little, i had heart failure because the doctors gave me the wrong medicine and it actually caused me to die. Why am i still alive? Why didnt i just go that day? Why am i being put through all of this? Thats all i want to know...is it because i have a purpose? Is there going to be a good outcome from all of this? Or am i supposed to take responsibility for myself and push harder? I dont want to go through all of this for nothing. I want to live a fulfilling and successful life. But do i dare tell my parents that i need help? What if they think its all in my head or if im going insane? I need someones help, but i dont know who just yet. Ive been bottling my emotions up for so long that all i feel is darkness and emptiness. I`m tired of all of this.Truthfully, I have attempted suicide..but i just couldnt do it. I just hope things will get better, which is why im holding off until im out of this place.