I often wonder what it would be like if I were the head of the group. If I were the one who could bend the rules, instead of the one the rules were being bent against. If I could finally feel like I belonged. But what would this mean to other people? Would it mean they are now the ones running inside with tears in their eyes? The ones no one wants to be in a group with? The ones running off just to be by themselves? I don’t think I could do that to someone. I realized that if I am getting my way to the top, then I would be pulling someone else down. No matter how hard you try to avoid the fact, there will always be a bottom and top to this ladder we’re all a part of, the social ladder.

I hated third grade. I always felt left out. I always was left out. I was the last pick on the playground. The kid with no partner. The kid that was forced to join another group the teacher chose. The kid no one wanted. But that didn’t matter, because no one cared anyways.

The normal kid enjoys weekends more than school days because there’s no school these two days, no more classes to go to, and no more work to do. I enjoyed the weekends because I didn’t have to deal with other kids on these two days. I found myself preferring the company of books over the company of people. That just led to me being more and more alone on the playground. I tried to lose myself in my work, tried to close off the rest of the world that I so badly wanted to be a part of.

I secretly took joy in every moment another kid was chosen to share my pain. But why didn’t we, the bearers of this pain, the ones who were spread out, away from the group, stick together? Because it’s easier to climb up alone, without bearing the weight of another. So in the end everyone at the bottom stayed at the bottom, and everyone at the top stayed at the top.

Now, I know what the bottom feels like. I hate that feeling. But I’m not cruel enough to force someone else down and make them the new bottom, just so I can climb a step up. Some of you might say that this isn’t a big problem, but go ask the kid sitting alone at lunch. What do you think he’s going to say? Go ask that kid that no one wants to be in a group with. What about her? Go ask the kid that’s the last pick for everything. I’m sure they’ll all tell you that this is a problem, and a big one at that.