It was the summer of 2016 going into my 7th grade year. I was a heavier set little girl for going into 7th grade or so I thought and got told. I didn’t like myself I didn’t like the way I looked or felt. So I decided that this school year I am going to lose weight. At first nothing that I was doing helped I never thought about asking my Mom for help. So I decided to take it to another level instead of just restricting I started to workout. After I started doing this on the daily I started to see more results. So i restricted more and worked out a lot more. Even though I reached my goal weight it wasn’t ever enough so I would lower my goal weight each time from 120 to 115 then eventually 100 and so on. I didn’t think anything was wrong with what I was doing, my family started to notice and at first they would compliment me until they started to think it was unhealthy but I didn’t see that to me I still was fat. It got to the point where I would workout more than twice a day, and only eat about 500 calories a day, and I wouldn’t go to bed until I finished my workout. I was feeling better about myself but I still wasn’t at that goal weight.

My mom started to notice not only was my weight changing but so was I. I wasn’t myself, I never smiled and when I did it was fake. I was depressed badly, and my anxiety worsened, all I ever thought about was food, weight, working out, and how ugly I was. The voice in my head wouldn't go away. Every single time I ate anything I would have such guilt about myself no matter what I ate. I labeled certain foods as bad foods, foods I couldn’t eat. I cut out all carbs and only ate salads and meats. I would crave sweets and I would sit and look at good foods on pinterest and other websites. I would body check myself in the mirror all the time and since there are mirrors everywhere i’d do it often. I’d grab parts of my stomach and arms and measure how big they are. I would isolate myself from my friends and family.

   One day we were all in the pool and my mom told me she is taking me to a doctor to help me feel better, the way she was explaining it I didn’t think anything of it. She said that they were going to weight me and make me a food plan and I thought that meant that I was getting a food plan to help me lose more weight and be fit. We get there and I have to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork. Then they called me back and I had to put on a robe thing and I didn’t know how to tie the top and I was already nervous. The nurse saw I was struggling and helped me, she was nice and she weighed me but I had to turn the other way I wasn’t allowed  to see the scale. She took my temperature and checked my vitals and I remember the machine beeping and I didn’t know what that meant so I didn’t think anything of it. I went back and changed then my mom came back and then the doctor came in and talked to me and my mom and asked questions like about my health and my eating and what’s been going on. Then the nutritionist came in and we went over what I ate during a day, little did I know at the time I wasn’t really helping myself because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Later we are still there and the therapist came in and talked to us too and asked questions. After all the doctors talked to us the doctor came back in and wanted to take my blood. I was like oh my gosh, so the nurse came in and she put the needle in but couldn’t find my vein and I didn’t know I shouldn’t of watched her do it and I almost passed out. The nurse brought me cookies and a juice but I didn’t eat them because they were bad foods. I was just focused on getting out of there so I could go workout. Once that was done the doctors called my mom into a separate room and told her what was up. They diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa, depression and anxiety. The doctors and my mom talked about plans and how they could help me, the doctors suggested an outpatient program where I would come up every once in a while to see how I am doing. They gave me a meal plan and told me not to workout. I didn’t care though. Once we left the doctors my mom told me I need to get better because if I don’t I will die.  But once again I didn’t care I just wanted to be skinny.

After that doctor visit I didn’t stop, nothing was going to stop me. School was starting and I felt better about my body. I continued to secretly workout even though, I went to the doctor and they told me if I don’t gain the weight I need then they will put me in PHP, Partial Hospitalization Program. I didn’t think they would do it, well the following week I went to the doctors and the doctor came in and was like we are putting you in PHP. I honestly saw it coming, I just didn’t want it to actually happen I just sat there. Knowing that all the work i’ve done to lose all this weight is going to be for nothing. I started to tear up because I didn’t have any control over the situation. The doctor had me come back on that Friday the last Friday that i’d be at school. The doctors told me about PHP and I still didn’t think I was sick enough to get put into there. I was scared I was going to be way fatter than the other girls, and I didn’t know what I was going to do when I went back to school. The doctors told me that I have to wear sweatpants and long sleeve shirts and closed toed shoes. I didn’t know why at the time but I understand now. That Friday night my mom caught me working out in my room in the middle of the night, I new after she walked in I done messed up because she started to cry and then I started to cry and I told her how I felt for the first time in a while, everything poured out. After that she would sleep with me every night and I thought it was just because she didn’t want me to workout but there were other reasons I didn’t know about. That next Tuesday was my first day of PHP and I was so scared and nervous and upset. During that day I ate a lot of food, and I went to a lot of therapy. I also found out that we get massages twice a week and let me tell you they were nice. One the first day after I got home I was so full, I felt guilty and fat but I couldn’t do anything about it. I could tell as time went by and as days passed I was gaining weight and getting better. PHP wasn’t too bad, I eventually made a friend and she made it so much more bearable. A month passed and I thought I was doing good, I just wanted to be able to go back to my old life. My mom and therapist tried to challenge me to drink a milkshake, if I would of just drank it the first time I would of been able to go back to school faster but I didn’t. Three tries later I did. Eventually two months passed and I was still in there. Until they told me it was my last week, then I started to worry about going back to school, and what are people gonna say or think.

On my first day back to school it wasn’t that bad, people asked me where I was, depending on who it was I just said idk or I just told them the truth. I then became more depressed because I didn’t like the way I looked. I told my mom and we went to the doctors and they upped my medicine. At school I had to eat lunch in the office for a little while but then I was able to eat with everyone else. I was still confused on why they put me in PHP to begin with. Eventually my mom told me when she thought I was ready. She said that the reason I was put in PHP was because my heart rate was 25 laying down and that’s why she slept with me because they were scared I was going to die in my sleep. I was also very underweight within a year I went from 140 to 85 pounds. I didn’t know I looked sick but according to my friends and family I was sicking skinny. This changed my life forever, I will always have a slight eating disorder and there are chances that I could relapse but I don’t think that will happen because I don’t want to go through that again. I am in a better place with eating and being around food, now I can eat whatever I want. I learned it’s not about what you eat it’s about how much you eat, but if you’re hungry and want that whole bag of chips then go for it. This experience taught me so many things.