Today I dreamt of heights.

As I pondered upon the implications of consistent current account deficits in economics class, I fantasized standing tall on the rooftop of a building, any building. I imagined being closer to the clouds, closer to what lies beyond, closer to somewhere where nothing but chirps of birds can be heard and somewhere where no soul speaks ill. From atop I peeked below just to get a glimpse of what lies beneath- the clouds seemed darker and it always seemed to be raining. I turned around and walked over to the other side of the building and everything seemed quieter. In my daydream, I stood there for a while. I befriended the heights.

Come next day it was time to go to school. I was fortunate enough to be able to afford to travel in the school bus. It was my time to dream again. Time is relentlessness in its ability to slip. There once was a time where I used to dream of conquering academic success, going to brand name colleges, making my eternally disappointed parents proud. I still do sometimes, but that dream is one that creeps a fear within me. My mind and my pragmatic self tells me I will fail no matter what so what’s the point of trying. I let my motivation slip and shatter into minuscule pieces. As I bend to pick it up and fix it, the ground beneath me shatters and I transcend into a pitch dark abyss. I cannot swim and therefore I sink. I have never been one to face my fears and an atmosphere similar to that of an abyss tells me my doom is nearing. I hear voices but see no faces as I close my eyes shut and succumb to my fear. “You are a failure, forget about college”, one says. I gasp at the stark and unapologetic tone. My mother’s voice becomes more audible and this time she attempts to scream, “We have wasted all our money on you! When other parents talk about their children with pride, we remain silent!”. I flinch and attempt to cover my ears but her words escape my force and I’m overcome by a pain in my chest. Another voice creeps in. It belongs to a man. “You are absolutely useless; you are failing half your classes”. My ears begin to bleed as I push my finger as hard as I can to block out the voices. “I need to speak to your parent regarding your grades”, “You might not graduate”, “You are a disgrace”, “You are a piece of s***”, “You are stupid”, “You are not good enough”. And then it happened. I lost my battle. The darkness consumed me and I embraced it. The words asphyxiated me and I choked to the point of breathlessness. I lost the battle against the will to survive or to dream. My days consisted of going to school, coming back, falling asleep and praying I wouldn’t wake up again.

However, I still dream. I dream of heights. I dreamt of them on my way to school, I dreamt of them on my way home.

I was back where I wanted to be. A gush of excitement rushed through me. I had been dreaming of these heights for quite some time now. If I could convince myself to fly like the birds that chirped melodiously, I would escape. Escape into the peace that lies beyond my grasp.