September 17, 2013

Dear the One I Love,

I just want you to know I am deeply sorry for ever hurting you. I was pissed off and so very confused. I just didn’t know how to handle the situation. As you know, I was never any good with the whole relationship thing. It’s just a new world to me and I know very little of it.

I wish what I did never happened. It was very irrational of me and there are never any good enough excuses for what I have done as I am aware of. But if you wish to hear/read then here they are: I was confused because I didn’t know how to operate my emotions, as I am not a very emotional person, I am a logical person. A guy at camp told me he liked me and I didn’t know how to react, so I over thought it and confused myself even further; I’m not used to people licking me. Another confusion was/is what I felt/feel about you ever. I have never experienced such emotions ever in my short lived life. Also, my other excuse is that I have a whole lot going on. My parents are getting divorced and my older brother has stomach cancer and a lot of other stuff that I don’t really want to get into right now.

When I made the dreadful dision, I wasn’t in the right mindset. I was pissed because of the mini fight we had. It was our first fight and it frustrated me. I’m sorry for how I acted during that also. I was also pissed because a lot of people were/are trying to tell me that we’re not right for each other. That you’re not right for me. That you treated me bad. And a lot of other stuff buried into the very depths of the abyss of my mind. They’ve been nagging me about it since the first time you have ever bailed on me (which I forgave you for long long time ago, for all of them).

I tried getting over you by dating someone else and that didn’t work out because all I could think about was you.

To be honest I am tired of doing what people ask of me. I am tired of trying to be a people pleaser. I am tired of letting people think for me. I only did that because it was easier and I was scared. I feel that I should start doing things for myself. I shouldn’t have listened to all of those people. A friend of mine sent that break up text. I kept telling her eventually just to please her, but she took my phone and sent it. That is why it was so harsh. I am sorry that I never texted/called you to apologize for it. I was just too scared. Too scared to hear/read what you’ll have to say in response. I thought you would hate me if I tried to talk to you. I just never know what to do with myself so in those kind of moments I just let people sorta control me in a way... All because I am not as strong as a person as I like to think I am. I am too socially awkward

I am the villain here and you are just the victim of my stupidity.

I know you have moved on and found where you belong, as you have told me. I just had to tell you this. To clear my chest. I would have told you in person but I am just too much of a coward. If you ever take me back thanks a gagillion and if not, I’m okay with that as long as you’re happy, because your happiness is all that matters here. But I would like to get rid of some of the awkwardness between you and me and just be friends. I would rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all. Do as you see fit, I will be fine with whatever you decide. I promise you that.


Sincerely,
~G~