It’s like you’re trapped inside this little glass box. And no one can see you. You’re all alone. And you feel so forgotten and you feel so small. At school and in all these clothing stores. It’s like all these beautiful butterflies only one didn’t fly right away and after a while everyone else flew away but she fell and the beetles and ants and spiders consumed her. It’s like you dipped her wings in cyanide. The pain was like ripping apart diamonds with your bare hands. And all you can see is growing up and being a bad mom because sometimes you still cry at night and you see all the mistakes you made and you hate every inch of yourself because you can never make them go away. You see the girl you were last year so scared and lost. And in this little glass box no one can come in either so you just sit, alone and watch from the inside because you know you won’t trust anyone to come in. am I really the girl who disappointed my English teacher? Whose own sister called an embarrassment, who slept in till 1 every day and talked to her best friend at summer camp about wanting to kiss girls? Sometimes I want to soak myself in gasoline and light myself on fire. It’s like getting a cut and then getting stitches but they heal all wrong and crooked and you know that for the rest of your life that cut will have healed crooked into your body and you just want to rip the stitches out but you don’t want to start over. All of a sudden I’m getting these good grades and functioning but my past still haunts me. It’s like when everything happened, when the shower drain ran red with my blood, my innocence- me when I was an eight year old girl, crawled into a hole, deep, deep inside of me. And she’s scared but as she comes out she drags bits of broken glass and mirrors through my insides. I want a lobotomy.