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Why I Want a Coorporation
I am a teenage girl growing up in middle class America. I am also a
homeschooler. This means that I am in control of educating myself about the
world around me.
Not long ago, I did a study on corporations, who runs them, how they
function, and how they influence the world around them. As I looked at their
actions from the point of view of many different paradigms, I discovered that I
would like to own a corporation too. Why is this?
I want to own a corporation so that I can make millions of dollars and
become a part of the 1%. I want to put this money into the bank, or into stocks,
so that increases with interest and makes me even richer. I will not put my
money back into the community that it is coming from. Why should I? Maybe it
will improve the community and the lives of those around me, but it will not
make me any richer, and that’s what is important.
In order to make the most money, I want a corporation where I can move
the manufacturing division out of the country, because the workers elsewhere
will work longer hours for less pay. In China, or perhaps in a developing nation
somewhere in South or Central America they will surely be happy to work for a
dollar a day, and look how much money that saves my corporation! And the
more money my corporation makes, the more I make.
I want a corporation so that if, by chance, I cannot find enough willing adult
workers, I can hire their children. I can get lots of work out of them, and pay
them even lower wages. Also, children are less likely to expect certain working
conditions, like good lighting, or worker safety precautions. This is convenient for
my corporation, and will save me money.
I want a corporation that will beat out all the competition. Since my product
can be made so cheaply, it can also be sold very cheaply, making it the most
affordable option on the market. This will result in more consumers and more
profits for my corporation. Also, my corporation will be able to afford high rents,
and be able to stay in business when my competition no longer can.
I want a corporation so that if my competition should happen to not close
down, I can simply buy them out, offering them a price they cannot turn down,
so that I can merge their company with my own, and gain their customers and
profits. Those small, family run businesses are a nuisance, and a threat to my
complete monopolization of the market for my product.
In order to ensure that everyone knows about my product, I want a
corporation that will spend millions of dollars on advertising, airing commercials,
making posters, signs, and other paraphernalia. I will have advertizing
campaigns that apply to adults and other to kids, because if I can make a child
want my product badly enough, the parent will most likely give in and buy it for
them, increasing my sales. I also want a corporation that will make large
donations to theatres, sports stadiums and parks, so that they will be named
after my corporation. Everyone will hear the name and think of my product. It
may cost money, but in the long run it will make even more than I’m spending,
so I’ll deal with it.
I want a corporation so that I can spend millions of dollars to help get the
politicians that I can influence elected to office. They will have me to thank for
their rise to power and will feel obligated to pass or reject laws and other
political plans based on whether or not they benefit my corporation. If they do
not do this, I can easily offer them some extra money for encouragement.
I want a corporation so that I can dump my toxic factory waste into
whatever body of water might happen to be conveniently nearby, without
worrying about what it might do to the people drinking the water, or the
creatures living in it. The waste must go somewhere. I can afford bottled water
shipped in from a distant fresh spring. I will also dump this poisonous waste into
the air in the form of carbon dioxide and other harmful toxins. It doesn’t matter
that this is creating acid rain, destroying ancient buildings and statues, or the
forests. I do not want to have to pay for filters to reduce my carbon footprint. That would take money away from my profits.
Whenever someone complains about the way my corporation is polluting the
environment, and gives scientific evidence that its behavior is harmful, I want a
corporation that can pay a team of scientists to do their own studies, proving
that my corporation runs in as clean a way as is possible, and that our actions
are in no way harmful. A good salary will convince them to sway any
unfortunate evidence in favor of my corporation. After all, even if they have to
bend the truth a bit, it is of the utmost importance that my corporation
continues to look good.
I want a corporation that will do whatever is necessary to make good profits,
and therefore will make me a rich as possible. I want to be able to pursue my
business plans, even if they are placing our planet, and our civilization at risk. I
want to own a corporation so that no one can stop me from running it in
whatever way I see fit, and makes me the most money. If they try, I can simply
state that they are harming my business, and therefore their actions should not
be legal. I want a corporation so that I can have power over the people and
governments of the world.
Who wouldn’t want to own a corporation?
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This is a satirical essay based on Judy Brady's "I Want a Wife," published in Ms. magazine in 1971. My essay focuses on Coorporations and how they affect our current society. I hope that people will be inspired to take a looks at the actions of coorporations, and the issues they cause, and also be inspired to try to encourage local, small buisinesses. Please remember that this is a totally satirical work!