So you got yourself an "F", huh? Scrawled by a red-felt Sharpie, slapped on the paper, scrutinizing you with a "Seriously?" look. Obviously you're disappointed in yourself, but the reaction (a conformity between all homo sapiens) that steamrolls any existing disgruntlement is "What will they think?". The ambiguous pronoun 'they' refers to your parents, siblings, teachers, friends, et cetera. This comprehensive guide will help you tackle each and every person you may encounter who knows or will know of your attainment of an F (My friend, news travels like wildfire these days). 

1. First of all, you confront your displeased teacher in an after-class meeting. If you haven't pulled the fire alarm yet, don't. To begin with, attempt to be more upset than she is. Don't apologize profusely or smear on excuses. If there is anything I've learned from my years of compulsory education, it's that teachers are like fish: they start getting smarter after a while (And also, that this is a simile).  Instead, say something about how this assignment doesn't reflect your academic capabilities and ask for opportunities to bring up your grade. (This potentially means you will actually have to study this time, but it's worth it).

2. Next, your friend asks why you had to meet with your teacher. This is a capital time to summon the "I'm pathetic" look, to evoke sympathy on your friend's part. If you play the look right (To be honest, it won't be hard for you), your compassionate friend will be coaxed into telling you of that one time she got 29% on a math test. Hearing her even more pitiful story will undoubtedly make you feel, well, superior. As with most situations, her pain is your gain. 

3. Unfortunately for you, your long-time archenemy overhears your conversation with your friend. She chooses this moment to remind you that "Oh, I'm so disappointed. I only got an A-." Resist the temptation to begin a brawl. Let her exploit your loss for all she wants, but calm yourself mentally by brainstorming ways to get revenge. Hey, maybe tomorrow she can't find her English notes ¹...

4. Your soccer coach is vexed as due to a school rule, if you get an average less than C in a class you can't participate in sports. He's worried for the general welfare of the team, as you have scored half of the goals of the season. Your coach lets off his steam through: "50 more push-ups! Real push-ups!" You are so exhausted you rest for a minute, which prompts him to yell: "You lazy girl, five more laps around the field!" Fake an ankle sprain and limp off the field in apparent pain.

5. You shuffle home, not particularly eager to meet your mother. If anything, do not crumple up your paper and throw it in the garbage. (Your parents are bound to find out: "Honey, I told you to RECYCLE paper...Hmm...What's this?! An F?!) Think of dealing with your mother as an inverse variation equation: xy=k, where x is your degree of disappointment and sadness, y is your mother's degree of anger and disappointment, and k is the static total value of disappointment, sadness, and anger. Chances are, the higher your level of chagrin, the lower your mother's level of anger will be ².

6. "YOU GOT AN F?" Yes, cover your ears, your father will be louder than that heavy metal concert you went to last week. "No daughter of mine fails an assignment. You inept girl! Who do you think you are? I spend years trying to teach you how to be a model student and what do I receive in return? A disgrace! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your whole family ³!" Okay, maybe he won't go that far, but please proceed with great caution. Fathers typically progress through three stages. First off, the "I'll prove that I can be louder than a space shuttle launch." Do not risk opening your mouth or breathing. (Obviously, that would be disrespectful). Next, your father takes many deep breaths and advances into the "Crime and Punishment" stage. Begin asserting your regrets and plans for the future, and insert several "I'm sorry that I have disappointed myself and you." Be mentally prepared to be locked in your room for weeks. Third, the "You're off the hook temporarily and I appear to have completely forgotten about this issue" stage. However, if nothing seems to emancipate you from imminent disaster, start packing.
7. Now your dog wakes up from his afternoon nap and nuzzles your hand. Here's an opportune time to slather on the blame thicker than your aunt spreads butter. After all, your dog is the real culprit here. He ate your homework, right? Ignore those puppy-dog eyes and feel free to scold him. After all, he chewed your hard work to shreds and nobody believed your excuse. Warning: you may feel slightly guilty (But I assure you, you'll also feel a whole lot better).

8. Your grandma envelops you in a bear hug and coos, "Oh, my poor baby, your parents must not be feeding you well enough, you need more nutritional value to keep up with that growing body...What was that? Oh, an F? Yes, dear, you need more nutrition to keep up with that growing brain..." Verbatim. But despite a vaguely uncomfortable minute, you will receive the bulk of your sympathy from your grandparents. Pig out while maintaining the "I'm about to cry" look to ensure their compassion will persist.

9. Your grandma is unfortunately also an incurable gossip and your distant cousin ("You're my cousin?" ahem.) may drop by for a visit. Say whatever you choose to him, but be wary of offending family (One family member has a questionable past, while another is a pious Catholic. Watch out for both.)  In all honesty though, the next time you meet your third-cousin once-removed will probably be at his funeral.

10. Your neighbor brings "Get Better Soon" cookies. Imbecile. Lucky for you, tackling your neighbor is the most straightforward on this list. The key to dealing with her is to keep the conversation succinct. A cursory, "It's fine. Thanks for the cookies" will suffice. Subtly stand in front of the door, as to not let her in, but do not slam the door in her face (Most wars were started because of neighborly tensions). What you really want to know is how she discovered your grade. Fourth amendment, anyone?

So you got yourself an "F", huh? No problem. After all, once you execute this revolutionary method, you'll discover that "F" is for Fine. 

Good luck,

A Professional Student

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¹ This procedure is detailed in a highly anticipated "10 Approaches to Seeking Revenge", co-written by this author and Inigo Montoya.
² Mathematically (and experimentally) proven.
³ Sound familiar? Well, even pocket-size dragons have fathers.