Girl sits home alone everyday. Wishing for her family life to be better today than it was yesterday. When there comes a knock upon the door and when she opens it, there stands her mother and father crying, walking into the house. They gather the young girl and her brother into the kitchen and sit them down to bear the bad news of the loss their beloved grandma on May 19, 2009 at 4:45 pm. After that the home life got worse for the young girl. Her name just happens to be Camden. And she is only approximately 13 years in age. Her life went down hill from there. Spiraling down into a despair of depression only a couple things she thought could fix that. It came out as knowledge of a physical pain that she come to love. But she found something better than that. It would be escaping to the graveyard in her time of trouble. It may not be something that inanimate but you know if it makes her happy its love. She never really knew love after the passing of her grandma, but the closeness she felt sitting next to that head stone made her feel on top of the world. Becoming more connected to earth, and closer to the spirits. Many people don’t believe in spirits, but I do. The thing that I would say would mean the most to Camden would be her grandmother’s head stone. It states the facts. Its not something that she could really find or get but its something she could achieve. I know its kind of hard to understand but if you were lost in your own world and frightened by the consequences of your feelings where you feel trapped and alone, you might understand. So many people judge her and push her around that her own fear becomes something she loves.
When she was about 8 years old her grandmother started to become ill. This little girl wasn’t someone that you wanted to mess with then, not even now. So much anger built up and so much frustration building behind that little heart and soul, to become the being of Camden. That headstone became something she would yearn for. During the day after the passing of her grandma she would cry and whine and wish on everything and with everything she had for her grandma to come back to her but nothing helps. At times her dad would get mad at her and for no reason she would be grounded and she would be have to do everything that her grandma use to do. Her father would shove it in her face that her grandma was gone and make her feel like the loneliest girl and she would hate herself. She was pushed and hit and yelled at and she would cry her eyes out and then hand would hit the wall with such impact she would be to caught up to feel it. This little girl was an emotional wreck. She would isolate herself from anyone and anything, and the shocking part is she would escape into her mind and isolate from herself. You think it not possible but atlas, it is. During her middle school days she was always grounded and not allowed to do anything. Not even exit the house. Her mom was always gone, dad always drinking, she couldn’t get it through her head that they would never be a full, and real family but only a dysfunctional hated family. She felt hated by all her friends and family. She became more depressed than usual. She would have crazy mood swings, days she wouldn’t want to go school but just to lay there and cry. She couldn’t even enjoy any good criticism, a complement, or even her 8th grade graduation. The 8th grade graduation was the next stop to becoming who she wanted to be, yet…. she was too scared. She wouldn’t push on; she was to scared to fall. She couldn’t give herself any motivation or will to move on in this life. She wished on every 11:11, every shooting star, and pray every night that she had never been born. She felt like a wasted space, a worthless human, she wished everyday and every night that she could be someone: anyone else. Crying into the dark, escaping out the window into the night, running as fast as she could tears streaming down her face. Sometimes she would escape into the woods behind her friends’ house or sometimes she would wonder to the edge of town thinking and wishing to know what it would be like and look like to be on the outside. Her entire being would pulse the lies that go through her head everyday, all the thoughts and notions. If there was anyway she could escape, anyway to end this misery…you name it she thought it. The so-called friends that said they would be there? Where are they? Not with her, supporting her, she walked along the halls in school alone looking around trying to meet anyone’s eyes just to see if they could see the way she felt…but…they avoided all eye contact. She would sit in class her thoughts going faster than the speed limit…they wouldn’t slow down no matter how hard she tried. Crying in the bathroom, no one to talk to, and no one who cared. Mom sitting at home fighting with that should-be dad and should-be brother that wanted her out of their life. They said that they didn’t but you know she lived with them for 14 years she would know for a fact. Brother who all through the past would shove her down and away, the brother who would leave her crying in the doorway to go hangout with friends, the brother who would cuss at her and tell her he hates her and she is the reason he wanted to run away from home all the time. Camden felt like she was in a personal hell. Nothing she could do or say would help, mostly because no one paid attention to her, no one believed her. Camden felt trapped; she couldn’t breathe, spiraling into a panic/anxiety attack. Something in her mind said flee but her heart said to write. When she wrote she couldn’t stop, she couldn’t dry up the tears.
Guts and blood is all an imagined gory to say what she did. She tried a knife along her wrist to have a little bit of physical pain, she did it several more times but you know…the more she did it the worse she felt. Everyone at school believed what she wanted to happen. She wanted to end it, end it all. Everyone think that its her mind…could it be?? Maybe. But no one can get close enough to tell. Her own mom doesn’t even understand. She thinks that everything Camden does falls back on her, maybe that’s true to her but to me the real version of Camden, in real life, that’s giving me the freedom to become my own person and to learn from his and her mistakes and make my own to learn from. But my depression made me take advantage of that. Doing anything to get attention and that led to substance abuse, sneaking out, staying the night with guys, etc. I would let guys get me drunk or high and kiss me, I stayed fully clothed, I knew better just because I was under the influence didn’t make me stupid. I still had boundaries. She, kind-of came to be known as a whore, which she wasn’t. She wanted attention that nobody could give her. I never felt loved by anyone but my mother and sister. My dad’s side was gone; they shoved me out of their life. I fought harder and harder to get back in and be accepted, did you think that would ever happen? I don’t think so. They didn’t care that she had became suicidal, they didn’t care that with all her might she wanted to end her father the way she always saw it in her head. Randomly she would dream, which is rare, and when she would it would be of different ways to get to his weaknesses and make him say “uncle”, for him to feel the way I do, and for him to be gone out of this world so I may live better. Other times when I would dream it would be of my grandmother, she would tell me “go for it”, or “be strong you will find a better way to end him”, sometimes she would be holding something n her hand that we had at the house. A steak knife, a butcher knife, high powered guns, even swords, axes, etc. Me, well Camden became know as a psycho. She would see things at school and talk to herself. Everyone thought her weird. But she couldn’t help it. Sometimes she would mutter “shut the f*** up” under her, breathe, to the voice in her head telling her ways to do it. The thoughts going through her head, like ending him or ending herself. Would he bother to come to the funeral? Doubt it. She just wanted to be loved, and loved right. I’m tired of the easy getting the feelings hurt, and the easy getting mad, and being told her dad is a good man and I should apologizing for standing up to him. F*** that and f*** them. His girl is just as bad. I f***ing hate her with a fiery passion. The girl who thinks she can do my moms job better than she can. Who don’t know when to shut the f*** up, and when it’s her place to do or say something? She doesn’t even know how to take care of her own kid so why would she think she could take care of my sister. I want a better life for my sister than I had, that’s why I would to fight to get into his life and push her out of his…I didn’t want her to go through it like I did. I don’t even know how Brooklyn feels being abandoned by him at a younger age than I. I don’t know her but I love her. Unconditionally. At least he claims her, he doesn’t claim me, and you don’t know how much that hurts to not be claimed by your own father. To be told to your face that he wants a “paternity test because he don’t believe I’m his…” I really don’t get it. Its fucked to be told that and then have them laugh at you.
New chapter, the thing, well person that made her feel like maybe she can be happy. She met him the 19th of November. Started dating him the 21st. He made her feel something that no one else has ever done before. She felt accepted. He told me that to him only me and his little brother Jackson mattered, and I believed him…still do. I love him from the depths of my soul, no matter how deep that may be. I will follow throughout darkness just to find him. He means more to me than my life. I don’t know why but I will someday. Him, my mom, and little sister are the only reasons I am alive today. If I hadn’t met him maybe I would be a little darker than normal. He is my ends and my means. I haven’t talked to him in forever and its slowly driving me crazy. He needs me, and he is going through tough situations like me right now, so whatever I could to help him I will do. He may be a major f*** up but no matter what people say he was my first real love; I experienced something I never thought could happen. I fell, and I fell HARD nobody could take that away from me. No one understood what I am going through like he did, no one believed in me like he did, nobody could make my feelings go away for him. Never! Right now Camden and I are in the most horrible situation you could imagine. Out of anger of not being able to talk to me: and a disastrous week, he “accidently” sent a message saying its over. When I heard I was devastated. She called him to find out what’s going on, and the more he apologized the more she wanted to believe, but she knew what she had to do. It's not only for her mom, but also for…her. She had to tell him the words she hoped to never hear come out of either of their mouths, but she has too much to worry about and fix in her life to have a boyfriend that could crush her with just a couple words or one look in her eye with a flash of anger. He still means the world to her, and no one really understands just how depressed she is. No one could ever understand how empty she feels, or how much she just wants to lay there and cry. She wants to be with him more than anything in the world, she cried herself to sleep, woke up crying, cried in 1st and 4th period. She thought about him nonstop, he wouldn’t leave her head. She tried anything and everything just to get him out of her head, and to keep the tears out of her eyes. She feels like she use to…empty, heartless, masked, unstable. Like the Christmas song “All I want for Christmas is you!” last night when she heard it, she thought of him and she wanted to cry. That’s why she asked her mom if she could use her touch mp3 to try to drown out all her racing thoughts, not even that worked. Because when the song “Truly Madly Deeply” came on she would cry even more. She clung onto every word. She wanted to tell her mom that he meant everything to her, and without him she was nothing. More worthless now then ever. He made her want to be something and do something with her life. He makes her want to stand up against the world. And without that, she can’t even face the mirror with out feeling so empty that not even the world could hold her up. She wants to tell him she loves him, better yet that she is in love with him, she can’t do this anymore!!! She just wants to go into a coma so she doesn’t have to cry anymore. She kind-of feels so depressed that she wants to go back to the old her, the one that cut, but she knows that doing that over this isn’t going to work. So she has to keep following the road less traveled by and find him later down the road! But when she found him it only got her into trouble, she couldn’t really trust him so she decided screw it and would hang out with other guys, but that also got her into trouble. She thought that since she wasn’t able to see it wouldn’t matter what she did. She thought that he would start doing stuff with other girls, if he wasn’t already. She lied to her mom and said she was going to stay the night with “Rebecca” but Rebecca was a 19-year-old guy named Mikey. She ended up kissing him, not knowing he was talking to a good friend of hers, but she couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything with Mikey. She gave up and made a pact with her friend Shane that neither is going to date until they are ready, she has been talking to this guy for a while. She thinks he makes he want to change. Truth is he does. She gets lost in his eyes. Once those eyes look into her, shes hooked nothing is there but him and her and the sound of their hearts beating. When they kiss its like she was ust born int a whole new world. One where she felt not so alone, felt like she mattered, and flt like she felt like she was lover. This is what made her think the love for the guy before wasn’t what she needed…..hmmm…. who knew….so we end on this note so her life continues on…for now