Sophomore year I thought I found myself. I thought I truly mattered to people, like I had everything figured out. I felt “mature”. Who is mature in tenth grade? The base of my immaturity was only beginning. God I actually thought that a best friend who was beautiful and had the “right connections” was definitely something to hold on to. I was sadly mistaken. A best friend called A**** was in fact no friend at all. It was like all I could surround myself with were the close minded, drama stimulating, self-centered, size 0 brats of B***** County. The worst part - I was one of them, (maybe not the size 0 part) I was so caught up with these people, not one of them a genuine bone in their body. I craved more though, I wanted better for myself. I needed people that cared, end of story.

“A***** is just such a good time.” I find myself answering with that pitiful excuse almost every time I am asked why I allow my best friend to walk all over me. It makes me sick how insecure I am. A***** walked into my life one day, knowing that I am a good person and I will always have her back and she took advantage of it. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING! Did her parents teach her anything? Does she know how to be your typical compassionate, empathetic, decent human being? Friendship is a two-way street, give and take. If all you ever do is take, you leave no room to embrace the friendship and actually be a friend to someone.

I finally met someone that I fell in love with. Maybe, I’m not so confident in the fact that it is possible to find love as a sixteen year-old. Nonetheless, I found someone I cared tremendously for. His name was C***** and he was probably one of the most educational “phases” I have had so far. He was my manager, and my best friend. The best thing he ever did for me was listening to what I had to say. He wanted to be a part of my life desperately and he persisted to take me out of my comfort zone. I wish I would have put myself out there one hundred percent. I just couldn’t let myself be so vulnerable. I didn’t necessarily create a wall I just made sure I didn’t rely on him; therefore, I relied even more on A*****.

When I finally began to put more and more trust in C***** and we became closer, A***** only became envious. She medaled at every chance she could because god forbid this situation did not revolve around her. I remember when I was grounded for something we were BOTH in the wrong for, her punishment was non-existent. So while I sat at home “serving my time” she lied to me and went to the movie with C**** and his best friends. I hated my best friend. What is wrong with me? Who hates the person that is supposed to be like a family member?

I guess whatever C***** and I had was more important than anything she had to offer because we proceeded to become even stronger. So what do you do when your down and you have no fight? It all ended with an ultimatum. A***** actually had the audacity to give me an ultimatum between her and C*****. Are you kidding me? I was better than that. No stupid, selfish, immature, attention thriving girl will tell me who I can and cannot have relations with. I did not choose. This was probably the best decision I could have made, because she only created peace between me and C***** to further our relationship. Suddenly I regained a stronger sense of self and what was once blurry all seemed so clear.

I spent half of the summer enjoying every minute I had with C***** and my newfound friends E*****, D*****, and F*****. They were people that mattered. They saw more than themselves and they had the strength to be reliable to someone. Genuine IS possible. I’m trying to be a better person and be a more confident, decent individual. However, I am also permanently scarred, I find myself unable to trust anyone, and I am scared to be alone. But what’s new? I am able to recognize the fact that I am not always right, I am insecure as hell, and I need to be loved by someone. Is that so much to ask for? “People will always let you down; you may as well not expect much from anyone to avoid the heartbreak.” I will no longer live in fear of being let down, because sometimes being alone is the best way to feel alive.