I sat impatiently on my swing, kicking my bare feet back and forward, not too much momentum to go real fast, but enough to stir the air surrounding me. My back was beginning to bead with sweat. I impatiently took the back of my hand and shoved it up the back of my shirt and wiped the sweat away. Hoping while doing so that along with the sweat, that heat would come away with my hand and I could fling it unto the yellow, dried grass, where I personally felt it should belong. I hoped in vain, and within thirty seconds my back began to bead again. I wondered how burnt my skin would be when I went back inside. My guess would be very, my skin was cooking.
I leaned back in my swing. My arms taunt, clinging to the chains as I leaned farther and farther back. My eyes were beginning to blind from the sun. I felt the sudden urge to reach up and touch the sky where that big, beautiful, burning sun was imbedded in. My legs began to pump to get me there. I swung harder and harder, faster and faster until I was so close, that I could feel heat waves crashing against my skin. I closed my eyes and I wanted to fly. I realized that I could. I could, I could fly. I untangled each individual finger from the chains, almost afraid of what I was going to do. One whole hand was free, but I started falling, I beat my legs once again and I was there at the top, ready to fly. My other hand came loose and I flung myself from the swing and I felt the exhalation from doing something so irrational, so stupid. I was in control. I felt my body twist, fly through the air. I also felt the landing hard and rough on my behind when I landed. I lay there awhile feeling through the minute pain.
I wonder again when he will come. Soon I told myself. I curled up into a ball, feeling the sun beat me into exhaustion, feeling so tired. I rolled over to keep myself awake, my mind struggling with impatience to keep my body awake. Awake to see him arrive, but my body refused to listen to me. I was so tired but my tiredness was mixed with my exhausting impatience.
I woke with a start, not knowing exactly what awoken me. I uncurled out of my ball to see that the sky was twinkling at me. I knew my skin was burnt so I lay there not wanting to get up. I lay there to let the pain in. The howling, ripping pain. The pain so deep that crying doesn't do it, sobbing doesn't control it; hysterics aren't enough for this pain. A pain, an emotional pain that leaves you screaming until you're hoarse, until you die from not breathing. All you can do is scream until the shocking pain wears off. Screaming like a f***ing lunatic. A pain that leaves you crippled, no longer human.
He wasn't coming back, never, he was gone. He left your mother, your brother, your sister, you. I told myself, he left you like you didn't even matter. I don't even remember saying goodbye. He was gone, momma said so. He wasn't on holiday like I pretended he was. He wasn't on a business trip, he didn't have job that would require you to dress nice and travel. He wasn't important. He was the guy that cleaned your apartment building, fixed the plumbing, a nobody. Doesn't even get tips. But still I loved him, loved him with every particle of my being. And every day I waited. Every day I still waited.
I curled back into my ball of pain and sobbed. Sobbed for the whole world to hear. And even while I was sobbing I was waiting. Always waiting. Still waiting.