Dear Cis-Parent of a Trans-Child,

I know that children are all over the place when it comes to decisions. One day their absolute favorite color might be orange and the next it’s bright purple, no doubts, no conflicts. Being a child is a fluid experimental experience. You probably remember when you were a child, constantly exploring and testing the world, finding out exactly who you were to become by trial and error. Now you’ve been spending time watching your own child grow. From the moment they were born, you’ve been loving them and caring for them, giving them every possibility to explore and helping them to become the best they can be. Your child has become an amazing individual, a person with unique ideas, feelings and thoughts. While you’ve been learning what it’s like to be a parent, they’ve been learning what it’s like to be a human.

You always worried a little bit; maybe that the slide was too high, biking around the block was just a little too far, spending the night at a friend’s house was quite possibly much too long. We all worry about our loved ones, nothing comes more naturally than a healthy dose of caring concern. So, when you say that you aren’t sure your child is ready to make the huge decision to medically transition, that they should wait, just to be certain that they’re a hundred percent sure their gender-nonconformity isn’t a phase, I feel your concern. All you can imagine is your child transitioning by means of a newly developing technology, and then them in a few years, changing their mind. You see them regret their decision. On top of that, you worry about the unknown effects of hormone therapy; it’s so new, it’s an experimentation on your child. And it scares you. It scares me!

Imagine for a moment that hormone therapy could be reversed. That your Trans child could transition to go through the right puberty at the right time, and if they suddenly realized they had been wrong about their identity, they could simply undo it. They could decide and decide again, if they needed to. There would be no commitment, no irreversible change. I am sure, in that case, you would be glad to let your child make those choices, because along with caring comes a desire for your loved ones to be happy. Unfortunately, the truth is that hormone therapy is a one way street. Transitioning can’t be undone, once the choice is made, it’s permanent. But that can be a good thing, it gives people who were born in the wrong body an opportunity that even just a few decades ago they wouldn’t have had: Being themselves. Avoiding the unstoppable changes that happen when they hit their biological puberty, the wrong puberty.

Without medical intervention, your child’s experience, going through biologically assigned puberty will likely be an extremely frustrating, confusing and dangerous process. They will undergo further alienation from their own body. No matter which puberty takes place, the changes will be profound. In a LiveScience article discussing hormone issues, Dr. Olson, director of the Center for Transyouth Health and Development at Children’s Hospital L.A. says “We want people to go through their puberty process with their peers,” adding that puberty is a trying experience to begin with, and concordance makes the process easier.

Fearing mind-changes and the unknowns of hormone therapy is absolutely valid, but the dangers of dysphoria are far greater. According to the Youth Suicide Prevention Program, “more than 50% of Transgender youth will have had at least one suicide attempt by their 20th birthday.” The average suicide attempt rate for non-trans individuals is 4.6%. Let’s think about that for a moment. Dysphoria kills. Dealing with it, and letting your child be themselves is life-saving. Trans-identifying teens and preteens should be given the ability to choose, within a safe medical range, what they do to transition their bodies and when.

Because you are their parent, they respect you and most likely will work with you so that both of you can be comfortable with the choices they make for their future. They have the option to take hormone blockers for a while, to pause puberty of any kind, buying them time to sort out their identity, or perhaps for you to become comfortable with their identity. Hormone blockers, “medications which suppress the body’s production of estrogen or testosterone, essentially pause the changes that would occur during puberty.” Priyanka Boghani, author for PBS FRONTLINE. While hormone blockers do stunt a child’s growth at the time, it has no long-term stunting effects. Hormone blockers are a great way to extend the time for your child to make their decision, however, eventually a decision pursuing hormone therapy will have to be made.

Remember the day that your child made the choice to tell you they were different from other kids? When they took that leap of faith to entrust you with a vulnerable truth? They risked losing your love to let you know them. Because the health of your child is dependent on them being allowed to make the decision for themselves, empower your child with your trust. In spite of the risks. Walk with them, hand in hand, towards a healthy and promising future. Being Trans isn’t easy, they’ll need all the support they can get, and I believe you are exactly who they need.

Sincerely,
Addie W.