My breath is constantly knocked out of me. I stumble through paths that are not even finished, some are not even created yet. Everyday is the same for me. Everyday is a constant reminder that I could be doing more than what I have been doing all of my life. I walk around talking to my peers in school, talk and be sure to tell my boyfriend I will see him later, I always end up enjoying what school has to offer me that day. School is my distraction from what happens everywhere else. It is always, and I mean always, when I am at home and around the other parts of my world that exhaustion from anxiety and even more anxiety start to huddle over my back, sticking to me like we were two velcro peices, but we are never torn apart, we are always closed together. I have never been able to ascribe it to one thing that causes what I feel. Everyday it is something different, and that is what makes this even harder. 

Today it is having to drive without my body shaking in fear of a car accident that may never happen, tomorrow it is a presentation that I know I will do well on, but will still feel like I will fail, and the next day is realizing that next year I will not be where I am today. This is a struggle I deal with everyday. I wake up fearing something, I fear about college, because I can not afford it. I fear friendships, because I know they will end. I fight with my parents almost what feels like everyday, because they believe my world is easier. So now I fear communication with everybody. 

I fear life. As a younger child when my parents separated, I had to quickly grow up. I took care of my younger brother all of my life, and would soon have to do the same to another. I matured rapidly, so when it came to making friends my age it wasn't easy. It still isn't. Eventually, I dicovered without even knowing it that I had a severe case of social anxiety. 

Suffering with anxiety isn't easy. My mind doesn't know how to shut off, which make sleeping sometimes non existent. But, when growing up with it, I am used to it. I get used to being alone, I get used to no communication, especially when I am suffering. I suffered for the longest time in panic, and I still suffer today. To learn to find peace was not easy. I may still be suffering, but I have learned that I am not alone, I have learned that nobody is really. 

There are many things I have to learn not to fear. Sooner or later everyone does. The way I see it, is that it is not about getting rid of it. It is learning how to control it. Take deep breaths and my head. Try to focus on one thing at a time. Soon I will conquer the control of it all. Soon I will not fear college, communication, friendships; and, eventually I will not fear life.