Slowly, I close my eyes as the tears start to fall. I wipe them away with the soft and fuzzy blanket I had over my cold and shaking body. Everything feels wrong. Everything feels like my fault. Everything turns to nothing. I keep repeating the words, “I’m sorry” in my head, blaming myself for every little thing possible. It feels that everyone is just yelling and staring at me. Looking around the room, I soon realize I am alone deep in my thoughts. Surrounded by the warmth of the blanket around my still cold shaking body. The thoughts then leave my body as I start to feel normal again, not knowing what just had happened. I looked over hesitantly at my alarm clock sitting upon my side table. The bright lights of the numbers blaze towards me, blinding my eyes as if someone was shining a flashlight in my eyes. I began to feel dizzy and then laid down. Luckily, I soon fell asleep feeling one final teardrop fall down my cheek.

I suddenly woke up to my mom yelling up the stairs for me to get up. Rolling my eyes I slowly got up thinking about what had happened last night. I forced myself to forget about it. Today’s a new day I kept repeating in my head, trying to gain enough self-confidence to take on the day. In the next 10 minutes, I got up, got dressed, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth, and walked my way downstairs having to put on a fake smile. But faking a smile was normal these days so it wasn’t very hard to do so. I ate my breakfast while my mom was distracted by her phone. Quickly I finished my waffle and juice box, put on my backpack and walked out the door with my mom following closing and locking the door behind us. We got in the car and went to school. We pulled up to the school, I got out of the car and walked toward the door. Seeing everyone was already overwhelming. But I ignored my thoughts and kept walking into the school and up to my locker. I said hi to my best friend Mariela and went to my resource. It seemed fine. I felt fine. But did I really feel fine?

After resource I had Spanish. Quickly, not trying to make conversation with anyone I go to my locker grab my binder and go back to the classroom. The feeling of sadness and anxiousness seemed to have left my body completely when I came back into the classroom. I felt happy and I felt actually fine like I was talking to friends and smiling. About 20 minutes went by, we were doing a worksheet and I had finished before everyone. I sat there at the desk waiting, I decided to rest my head upon my binder that was on the desk. For some reason, I soon felt numb. Like nothing was happening, I put my hood up and my face into my sweatshirt. All of a sudden I felt wet spots on my sweatshirt. I was crying. I didn’t even know why. Soon Mrs.Kuelthau noticed something was wrong. But she asked me a million questions which just made me top of the line irritated. Ignoring was the only way I could deal with her. She then took me out in the hallway and started asking me more questions. The door across from ours was open. I looked inside to see one of my friends staring at me mouth the words -- are you ok -- to me. I ignored him like I ignored everyone at that point. Mrs.Kuelthau wrote me a pass to go to the guidance office. Still crying and shaking I walked down the stairs hoping not to see anyone I knew.

I walked into the guidance office not knowing what to expect. This lady was sitting there and asked me what I needed. At first, I said nothing, then a few words came out and she walked me towards Mrs.Lewek’s office. I liked Mrs.Lewek, she went to school with my mom so I don’t know why, but it felt like I could trust her with anything. She sat me down in a chair by her desk. I curled up in the chair and continued to cry. She started asking me questions, but I didn’t ignore her, and I didn’t know why. It felt like had fallen through a trapdoor of depression. That’s what I wanted to tell her, but I felt like that was too much to say. So I just answered in short simple words. We talked in her office for the rest of first hour. The bell soon rang, ringing in my ears for what seemed to be a lifetime. She let me stay in her office for the second hour too, she got up from her chair and went to grab something. The door opened back up and she walked in with a basket full of coloring of books and markers. I grabbed a coloring book and marker while sitting at the round table in the corner of her room. Coloring for some reason calmed me down. It had me concentrating on something completely different, something that seemed to soothe my mind and body. My breathing soon became steady again.

Time flew by, right as the bell rang for the end of second hour I finished my coloring page. I leaned back taking a final deep breath looking at what I accomplished. It was vibrant, very colorful, varieties of colors filled the page. I started to gather my things putting the used markers away and the coloring book back in the basket. Standing up Mrs.Lewek started talking to me again, saying things like, if you ever need anything I’m here, I can write you a pass to come down here if you need to the rest of the day and to always remember that you’re stronger than the thoughts in your head. Walking out of her office heading to lunch I felt better like I really needed that break from reality to just sit and relax. Walking over to my friends I felt a little smile start and after that the rest of the day was great.

You always have to remember that you’re stronger than the thoughts in your head. They aren’t real. They are just there to test you. It’s hard to fight them sometimes, but it’s much easier when you have people that are wanting to help you fight the thoughts with you. I then wondered why the words “I’m sorry” were still floating around in my mind like a boat sailing smoothly.