Today was the day that I had to see a psychiatrist. The air was cold and smelled like old people. A tall dark man walked into the waiting room, he wore glasses and had a smile on his face. He scanned across the room and called my name.

My heart dropped.

Throughout my childhood, I was always nervous. Everything scared me, and I always felt like I was going to die. I cried constantly, but I could never explain how I felt. As a toddler, the crying got worse. My “terrible two’s” lasted for years; I didn’t handle stress well. When I would get nervous I would act out, I would get mad and mean because I felt like that was the only way I could defend myself. I was soon labeled as a kid that had “anger issues”.

No one understood.

As I got older, I would always cling to my mom when walking through crowds. Hundreds of eyes staring at me, not knowing if I was going to get lost, it made my heart race. I always felt like every single person in the room was looking directly at me, if I stepped weird, if I tripped, if I laughed, if I talked too loud, if I cried, everyone saw. At school, I was always quiet and only kept to my small group of friends. I hated making eye contact with people (and still do),  I would always stare at the ground or somewhere else when socializing. It was always hard for me to make new friends because the thought of talking to someone new made me feel nauseous. The teachers tried to get me to do interactive games with the class but I refused, I didn’t want to get made fun of. The teachers talked to the school counselor and my mom, they told my mom I had “ODD”.

Great, another label.

When we transitioned over into third grade I was overwhelmed, two schools were being merged together? I could be in a class with complete strangers. I wouldn't get out of the car on the first day of school. My mom walked me into the school while my sisters face turned bright red. She always hated the fact that I got nervous.

My sister never really understood, but I don’t blame her. She would always make me feel like I was less than her. She always insulted me, and she knew the things that made me mad or stressed me out. She would often use that to her advantage, she would push me to a point where I just couldn't take it, and then I always got in trouble for hurting her. At school, other people started doing it too, I learned quickly to ignore it.

Now and then I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I would act out and yell at people, the principal tried to make me apologize to those individuals, but I didn’t feel sorry for doing it so I refused to, soon they tried to diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder, just because I didn’t feel guilty. I did this a lot, I would get overwhelmed by things and not know how to react, so I acted out, but I didn't always feel sorry so I didn’t understand why I had to apologize. I was so tired of always being in the office and getting called a “bucket dipper” I didn’t think my life could get any worse.

Then I had my first anxiety attack.

The sky was blue and green and the wind was blowing the trees in the ground. I was in the back seat of the car, eating banana ice cream. I could feel my nerves building up as I watched the rain hit my window. The radio was on and the music cut off and went straight to a tornado warning. My heart skipped a beat and I glanced at my mom to see if she was nervous as well, she didn’t seem to care, and neither did my sister.

I didn’t understand.

Soon, it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I couldn't get any air in. I didn’t understand why this was happening, which made me panic more. I looked out at the rain once again as tears started to fill my eyes. I felt like I was losing control of my emotions and so many thoughts ran through my head. I started balling my eyes out, my breaths rapidly grew shorter and I got light headed. My mom turned around and stared at me in confusion, it only took her a few seconds to figure out what was happening. She told me to breathe, she kept repeating “Pretend you're eating birthday cake, smell the cake and blow out the candles, smell the cake and blows out the candles”. It took me a few minutes to realize what she was saying, but I soon found myself feeling safe again.

I will never forget this day.

Throughout middle school and transitioning into high school, my anxiety grew and grew. Everything was changing, cliques were being made, everything was so overwhelming. I was constantly stressed, and I still never knew why everything made me nervous. Every day I wanted to stay home from school, just to avoid any random panic attacks.

In eighth grade, I got diagnosed with depression.

I was overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, I felt like there was no way out. I wanted to lay in my bed all day, and I had zero motivation for anything. My anxiety pushed me to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore, I started to fall apart. I knew I was different, and it made me miserable, I wanted to be normal. I wanted the nerves to go away. They didn’t. This lasted for 2 years until one day I just lost it.

February 4th, 2018, I attempted to overdose.

I shoved as many pills as I could down my throat, and chugged water to wash it down. I remember looking through the cabinet and pulling out the Benadryl. I wanted to be asleep when I went. I started to feel dizzy when my mom ran into the bathroom screaming, her hands went into my stomach and she kept pushing down. I threw up everything, then rolled over on my side, curling up into a ball on the bathroom floor. My mom wrapped her arms around me and I cried.

That day changed us forever.

Months went by, and my mom took me to several doctors, and I was soon scheduled to see a psychiatrist. I’d never seen a psychiatrist before, or even talked to one, I just wanted him to tell me I was normal, and that nothing was wrong with me, but you don’t have to have a college degree to know how to use google, I already knew I wasn’t normal.

May 8th, 2018, the day came.

When I walked in the room there were pictures of brains and filing cabinets everywhere. He handed me a test and asked me to take a few minutes to take it. The paper had 20 statements on it, and I had to choose between strongly disagree, disagree, neutral, agree, and strongly agree. I finished shortly and it felt like hours as we waited for results.

He came in the room once again and talked to my mom and then turned to face me, he told me I had moderate to severe Social Anxiety. He explained that it was the fear of being negatively judged or evaluated by others constantly and that it can affect me in all areas of my life. He said that my panic attacks happen because I don't have good coping skills, and I don't handle stress well, he then assigned me to a therapist.

Hearing that made it feel like there was a knife being stabbed into my lungs, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, only crazy people see therapists so why was I being put in that category? My mom walked me out of the room when he was done explaining, I held my papers tightly as tears built in my eyes.

I just wanted to be like my twin, nothing is wrong with her.

It is now my junior year in high school, and now that I see my therapist, I know what my anxiety is, and I accept it as part of me. I know what to expect when I get anxious, and I know how to calm down. I still struggle with anxiety attacks and feeling nervous as well as feeling down about it, because no matter how hard I try, it will never go away. I’m getting stronger every day, and life can only get better for me.