Well, this topic is a rough one it isn’t the funniest or happiest. It’s moments like this that aren’t the best. Actually, they are the worst. The moments you have to say goodbye to a family member and friends are the worst it makes your world spin in a circle, it doesn't stop until something else happens or your finally happy. This is a story about the loss of a loved one and how hard it is to say goodbye and forgive yourself for what happened. I really don’t know where to start but I guess it's going to have to be at the part I lost my dad. I was just born. I was only six months old. I was born November 12th, 2002. My dad passed away May 3rd, 2003. I didn’t know who he was so growing up I thought the person that was there for me from when I was little till I was five or six was my father. Well no it wasn’t. One night my mom wanted to have a talk with me about a few things. I thought everything was okay but it really wasn’t. My mom sat me down and had said “Babygirl you need to know that the guy you have been calling dad isn’t your real father. Your real father passed away, I tried to keep him here for you I tried my best but my best wasn't enough. I don’t want you to feel hurt in the future when you find out. I'm so sorry baby I'm sorry.”

After I was told that my dad passed away my mom took me out to the grave site to see him. Her words stuck with me when she told me. The words that made everything else crash into a hole. We went out to the grave and my mom looked at me and said ¨Baby Girl you can come out here anytime. You can come out here and cuss him blue. You can yell, you can scream. But please baby don’t ever be mad at him. Don’t think he left because he wanted to. He loved you to pieces.” With her telling me this it made May 3rd and November 18th the hardest days because they were when he was born and when he passed away. I was told his name and it was the world's most cutest name but at the same time, all the emotions that were going throughout my head were hard to notice and understand that my two little cousins had his first and middle name, as their middle name. His name was Daniel Allen Symons. One cousin had Daniel and my other one had Allen.

Not knowing what was really happening I was scared and worried. I was more lost than anything I didn’t really know who I was. I didn’t know where I even was to fit in anymore everything was torn down. Ever since then everything has been downhill, things will go right and then you blink and it’s a downhill mess. I lost more than what I thought I did. The main person in my life was taken the other parent I need. The father figure in my life was taken away when I was a baby when I was only 6 months old. Things don’t get any better they never will you can be happy and then thing happen and makes it the worst thing ever. Saying these types of goodbyes are the goodbyes forever the goodbye that won’t ever turn into the hello’s in the mornings or when you see them again. The goodbye that makes the heart want to stop beating. Every blink of the eye, every beat of the heart, every thought in the brain, every movement of the body they all hurt after having to say goodbye having to lose a loved one having them not by your side anymore.

Thoughts aren’t able to be complete. I lost my father when I was six months old didn’t think anything else could happen. Well, it had gotten worse 14 years, 8 months, 15 days later my grandma passed away. She passed away on January 18th, 2018. My grandma wasn’t ever introduced as “Grandma” she was always introduced as “Nana.” As everybody knows you have a set of grandparents you don’t call “Grandma & Grandpa.” Well, I call them “Nana & Papaw.” Growing up with my nana always there for me and not the one to throw me to the side when things were hard. I took care of my nana from when I was little to when she passed away to giving her the meds, make sure she was up in the morning. It had got to the point if she had a doctors appointments I would make sure she was ready for them and everything was set out the day before. Nana was always in and out of the hospital but nobody could really do anything but be there in the hospital with her. She went in there for her heart, kidneys, and her sugar/blood. This last time she went into the hospital was the last time she was ever in the hospital.

All the hopes that she would come home went down the drain. It was the worst thing ever she had every fighting chance in the world she would keep fighting and fighting. Nana, you were the one person that would never give up when things were hard when you went into the hospital it hurt me more than ever. It hurt me the worst. My nana had gone through four open heart surgery she had only done the four of them because she wanted her grandkids to know who she was. Well, my nana kept fighting and she had to keep the fight going due to her grandkids. Let's ask the question of “If you lost your father and your grandmother that was like a mother to you how would you feel?” “How would you react when you found out they left and won’t be back?” You would feel lost, emotionally drained, and broken. The moment that I lost my nana was the moment I almost lost all faith in the world when I didn’t know where to go or how to handle things. I didn’t have my nana to run to because the Lord ended up taking her. He took her when things were going right when things were a lot better then they had been.

God took my grandma and didn’t think about the pain it would cause me. The pain is so much harder than any other pain. The morning I found out that my Nana passed away was the morning I lost almost everything because my go to my nana, the person I would call my mom when my mom couldn’t be there. Remembering almost every word, everything that had happened when I lost my nana is the world's hardest thing, because the thought of not seeing her again is the hardest thing. The last thing I had to go to say to her was “You can’t go anywhere you can’t leave the only place you can go is home. Mom will be pulling me out of school at lunch to come to see you. Then you can be moved to U of M because that where they want to move you.” Well, that was the last thing that I ever said to her the last thing I ever got to say to her. I didn’t think anything could get any worse than her being in the hospital. Well, it really got worse because it got to the point where I lost her.

The worst thing about this was not knowing what was going to happen. If I was going to lose her or if I wasn’t gonna lose her. Later that night when I left that was the only thing I could think of the only thing running through my head. I had fallen asleep around 12 in the morning and I had ended up waking up and seeing my grandpa fly out of the house into my mom's car. Looking at the caller id to see if somebody called. What I had seen was “Bronson Healthcare Emergency.” Everything flying through my head, thinking the worst thing ever having the worst feeling ever. Not knowing why they called not knowing why my mom and grandpa flew out of the house fast. I was scared, lost, nerves, and in a world of thoughts.

Almost an hour later my mom and grandpa came home with my nana’s stuff in their hands the stuff that we sent my nana up to the hospital with. Was all brought home they both looked like they were crying for a while. Well, they both were. I was trying to put two and two together my head wasn't letting me. It finally clicked Bronson called they leave faster than ever and they have my nana's stuff. The only thing I could find myself doing was crying and asking, “Why? Why didn’t she give me a warning? Why? What did I do? Why couldn’t she give me a hint? She could have told me so I wouldn’t have left.” I blame myself every day since it has happened. I find myself crying not sleeping because of everything going through my head. Thinking of things I could have done to make her stay things that could have helped her. Well, I hurt myself in the long run. I didn’t think she would leave me and I sure didn’t think she would leave me so soon.

Life without my nana and my dad is hard but almost every day I have to find a way to put it to the side of me I have to find a way to look at my family and be able to help them when things are going badly for them. I always have to have a way to keep a smile on my face for them even if it is a fake smile. Walking into the house not seeing my nana there kills me. It hurts me not being able to see her in her chair at home, not seeing her at the football games to yell at them for saying my name wrong. Every day I am in pain every day I think more and more and blame myself more. I have to stop doing that but I can’t actually find myself not to. I have lost a total of seven people that were always there for me in my life. This time I ended up losing my nana and my father is what made everything go down. The loss of them both has killed me. I’ve had to deal with death ever since I was little.

There are times I think to myself that it is just a dream and I will wake up soon and see them standing right in front of me. I guess that this dream will never come true because it’s been a long 15 years. Going to bed at night hoping that the next morning you wake up you're going to be able to run into their room and see them. That is actually getting ripped away from you. You won’t see them lying in bed. You will never be able to see them happy again. Then the only thing you can think about is what could I have been able to do to fix it. What could I, Siera Symons, be able to do to still have them. I have given up so many things and I would give up more and more just to have my angles back.

One last time. That's all I ask... Just one more time I would do anything!! Trying to keep things running through your head making sure you don’t lose things and memories that you had with them. Days will go by and your memories will leave you. Time will go by faster and faster. Thoughts will be like a tornado. Tears will become a world wind of storms. After a loved one passes you have to remember the main things that you would do on a daily basis. The main things you need to remember drinking, eating, and taking care of yourself. Make sure not to let yourself go. Keep pushing and keep going because things can get better.. Please don’t ever give up though because that is the worse thing to do. I know this because of me doing it. I didn’t wanna eat or drink I didn’t even wanna get out of bed because I was in so much pain. The pain that comes with a loss.

Words going through my head. The main words “Why? How? What did I do? Explain to me what I did.” Thoughts like this aren’t amazing they aren’t surprising. Most people when they lose their loved ones they think about things like that. They really don’t ever give up on hope on their loved one coming back in three or four days before you have to lay them down to rest forever. I will always beat myself up for my dad and nana leaving me.

There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about them. Not a single minute goes by that they aren’t in my head or in my thoughts. Think about this for a second, Going home not seeing the one person that is always waiting there for you, always wanting to ask you how everything is going and what happened. Think about not having that ever again. Think to yourself. Don’t just assume that people that lose a loved one want all the attention or they want somebody to feel sorry for themselves. Not in this scenario. The thoughts. The memories. The pain. The tears. That time will never be the same again.

No, I am not happy with actually having to try and understand the fact why God took them. No, I'm not happy with the fact that I have to adjust to not having them here. I am not happy that he took them from me I never will be and I never will understand. Everybody always says “It was their time to go and they aren’t in pain anymore. The only reason God took them was that their glass house was built.” I miss them more and more every day because more and more thought goes into my head. Losing them was when my heart split and went to heaven for the two angles that mean the most to me.

Times are getting harder. Memories are getting lost. Days are going by fast and slow. Tears are being shed. Stories are being told and being tangled. Pictures aren’t being shown but are being found. Families experiencing losses. Kids are heartbroken. Mom’s and dads are worried. Life won’t really go on the same. It's going to be a world wind of emotions. The hardest thing I had to do was say “Rest easy Dad & Nana.” Love bunches from the one you call Shorty and the one that was your Monkey. I miss you the most and don’t ever forget that I'm always looking up at you and never will forget about you. May 3rd, 2003 and January 18th, 2018 they will always be the dates I remember the most. Love dearly from your daughter and your granddaughter...