The day my grandma died it felt like my life ended and in a way it did.

 When me and the rest of my family were in the hospital, sleepy eyed and poorly dressed, trying to comprehend what the nurses were saying. The first thing the nurses said was “she didn't make it” and then they went on to say how sorry they were and that they wish they could've done more.

I zoned out.

My world stopped turning.  

Then it came crashing down on me, like a wave hitting a rocky beach. It registered all at once,  I didn't have time to slowly comprehend it.

Brooke, my older cousin, and I were the first ones to walk into the hospital room and I looked right to my grandma’s chest trying to see if she was still breathing, hoping that this was some sick joke and that it'd be over, but it wasn't and I sat next to her like I did every morning before I went to school to tell her I love her and I hope she has a good day.

I had grabbed her still  warm, smooth, wrinkled hand and it gave me a small spark of hope that maybe she was just sleeping but her chest wasn't moving.  I went to let go of her hand but Brooke stopped me by grabbing my hand and said“ hold her hand while it's still warm, you’ll regret it if you don’t” , so I stayed sitting next to her.

I felt scared, sad, upset, and then I felt numb and all I could get out was “you weren't supposed to leave me yet” and “ this wasn't supposed to happen.”

Throughout the morning I had to witness the rest of my aunts, uncles, and cousins walk in and look at us scared and confused to what we have to say to them, then when we explain what happened I see them quickly look to the hospital bed without the beeping monitors around it.

As three am turned into six am, my cousins and I walked out of the hospital, waiting for our parents to finish saying their goodbyes to their only mom.

We were defeated and utterly drained of emotion. As we say our goodbyes we all agree on going to lunch at Clara's and then we depart.

When my mom and I were on our way home she looks over at me and says everything is going to be okay but at this point I don't believe her, but I know she's trying to reassure herself more than me. She then goes on to talk about something else but I’m too consumed with my own thoughts to worry about someone else, but she then says something about school and how I have exams in thirty minutes.

I shrug my shoulders and say" if you call and tell them what happened here today and they still make me come in I’m dropping out”

My mom looks over at me and says “at least this hasn’t  discouraged your humor.” I just shrugged again and turned my head back to the window.

My mom ended up calling the school and talking to Mrs. Funk and told them what was going on and they were understanding and my teachers, especially Mr,pu Klepac, were understanding too, they excused me of all tests and they gave my mom and me their condolences.

As the week went on I was with my family everyday, we either would go to Clara’s or eat at my Uncle Collin’s house, I don't really think we were apart from one another for very long.

As Friday rolls around my grandma’s viewing was at Farley’s Funeral Home  was in the late afternoon and so many people came through and so many people gave my grandma flowers,  I think it was the most I've ever seen at a funeral.

People that I had no idea who they were but they seemed to know me would come up to me and say how they were sorry for my loss and hug me. I later learned that my grandma would talk about me to her friends so much that it seemed like they knew me personally and it made me cry all over again.

Although she is gone the world has to keep spinning, no matter how much you want it to stop.

I don't want to admit it but it’s gotten easier, I try to do things that take my mind off of it. I had a job at the movies in  lakeview , I go to KCC, I have school, and I hang out with my friends.

I do go see her sometimes, since she would always make things better but then I start missing her.

Although it’s been a couple months whenever I see something she gave me or something that reminds of her I get upset and I have to walk away or change the subject.

Even now that i've came to terms with what happened I feel better, most days I think about all the fun things that we used to do together and how happy she always made me.

And with that, I know that she’s where she belongs now.