Ninth grade is when I arrived at my new school and briefly made a name for myself. I made a joke that I was going to be a rapper and it started a wildfire. Everyone soon knew my name or my nickname which was “Pooch”. Through an old friend of mine from middle school, I have made a new friend who is very similar to me. Except for him, I was “friends” with about everyone in my grade and others older than myself. I craved the attention that I got. I felt accepted by the crowd of people in high school. I was in the jazz band and had lots of fun performing with them. Everything about that year was good, but its end started my downfall.

Tenth grade has started and my mind starts to sink. I no longer hang out with big groups of people like how I used to. Even if the group was made up of good-moraled, happy people, I could not stand to be around that many at a time. The number of voices I heard was overwhelming. I could not say anything important over the chaos of sound that is breaking barriers in my mind. Isn’t it funny how you can feel so alone in a group of other individuals? I find myself being not as happy as I was just a couple months ago. I feel that the people around me can smell my distaste in life. I am in a spiral down towards rock bottom, and the path is broken and dark. I had a myopic vision. I became a taciturn person. When my world started to crumble only three individuals knew the code to my mind’s safe.

Eleventh grade has started and my mind only sinks further. At this point in my high school years, I have become a recluse. I forced myself to talk to others if they talked to me. I needed to make sure that the people on this campus thought I was the same person I was back in ninth. The repulsive glaring stare in the eyes of the masses was not a reassuring sight. My depression only worsened as I thought that no one could relate to how I was feeling. My worldview was changed and my political views switched dramatically. The pain was enveloping and taking every second of life I had. Why are you still here? Why don’t you just make your exit? No one cares. No one cares at all. Leave, just do us all a favor and leave. No one loves you. No one wants you. You’re just a miserable waste of a lifeform. Just do us all a favor and leave. I tried to convince myself that that voice was a liar but I could not do it. The voice had a power over my heart and my soul. I believed the suffering of my situation, could not be relatable to anyone else but myself. Once I developed those thoughts into fruition, I could not let them go. I would cope with the pain by moving to the terrifying solution of self-harm. The glossy, eerie red color of my pain was a joy to see. The smell that came with it was the smell of rot and decay. The warm feel of this liquid was almost inviting. The knowledge of such detail can seem unbearable but is important to know what my state of mind truly was. As I slip into a slumber-like state, I realize that the only direction for me is downwards. Only one thing was faithful to me as the depression became uncontrollable. I had on this bright, beautiful, gleaming mask to hide behind. I learned how to use it and abuse it to make it seem like I was doing okay. But, I wasn’t fine at all. I was a car that lost its brakes. I could not stop myself from the incoming crash. My body was a temple, but now it’s a twisted shrine that worships my undeniably awful state of mental health.

Twelfth grade starts and I am considerably different now. It was a long trek from May until this first semester. It is so easy to walk down that decaying path. The hike up was incredibly painful. Learning to let go of my past and start anew. I am a better person now than I was before. I got back the truly happy and funny state of mind, which is even better than it was in ninth. My life changed for the better once I decided that wallowing in the depression would not help me. I am now living my life how I’m meant to. There was an abyss that was fully filled with happiness. Now, to myself, I am being truthful.