I grieved like it had happened moments prior. I stirred, my head in stuck interlaced between the palms of my very hands that had hindered my will

To survive with this-

Sweat.

This child inside of me. I am nineteen going on twenty years of age. I am merely a teenager and yet,

I’ve this overwhelming feeling like I must protect, and nurture what we’ve brought here together through love affection and temperance.

To my adorn womb,

i hope to bring you the life and love you deserve, for I am far from perfect and I struggle everyday and so will you. Mommy isn’t perfect, and she wishes she were. But I’m here to tell you that you will not be either, no one you know will be.

But you will be the most beautiful soul and you can do nothing wrong in my eyes for darling, you will always be my child, and I will do my best to protect you and mommy will always be your guardian angel and if you shall ever ask I will answer. 

If there were a way to take you from any darkness and make you surface to find the light, I would give my life up so you could be the brightest. As I turn on the nightlight to your nursery hoping for your arrival I smile for I know you are my pride and joy.

But when you’re the one who brings the darkness, a nicotene fiend- 

You do not realize the damage you’ve done until it is overpowered with fear and you’ve destroyed everything you love.

Asphyxiated in the womb four weeks of age and the pride of mine and his. Our joy and reason to wake up and my reason to survive. My reason to quit bad habits and put out the cigarette for good. 

I hope to have an ash tray so clean one day it is so pure as if it were her innocence and the end to my bitterness. 

But until that day I will bring you what you deserve love, peace, and serenity.

I say a prayer for some peace that one day you can forgive me for asphyxiating you in my womb for not being ready for loving but hurting you. I pray you will be okay because no matter what mommy will always love you but I want you okay. 

And I will make sure you are okay I threw my cigarettes into the lake today, the fire was not ignited on nicotene, no.

It was ignited in my soul for my precious cargo inside my womb who I swear to protect.