Often in life, people walk in and out. It is easy to come to the realization that the best ones are the ones that come into life by surprise. Regardless of how things turn out with them, sometimes people walk into your life, just to walk right back out, and that is for a reason; to teach you something. Though one person may cause you an immense amount of pain, or has the potential to flip your whole world upside down...when everything is said and done, you only grow stronger and more aware to what may come at you in the future. So, do not be afraid to take risks; chase your heart, regardless of where you might end up, because regardless of where you end up, you will be stronger for it.

It was late August, of 2017...colorful leaves covered the ground, but the air was still warm from sweet summertime. It was my sophomore year, and it was currently 6th hour with Coach Goodrich, Lifetime Sports. We all went outside to play some game with a hula hoop, one that I cannot seem to remember now. Maybe because that is not what my attention was focused on; it was him. Him, of which, I had never spoken a single word to. He was a senior, one that made my heart skip a beat every time I saw him. That was the day we first spoke to one another; the words exchanged, I do not remember, possibly because my heart was beating so hard it was popping through my ears, clouding my hearing. I just remember the overflowing feeling of happiness I felt just speaking a few words to him, even though he hardly knew who I was. There was one main factor of my “little crush” that made it grow no further than just that; he had a girlfriend. I didn’t bother to advance anything, just crushed from a distance. Days passed, and my infatuation wasn’t nearly as strong as before. I didn’t plan on being a “homewrecker,” besides this boy hardly knew who I was-or so it seemed. Though infatuation faded, I still looked forward to seeing him every day in my 2nd and 6th hour classes. When he showed up, anyways; he skipped a lot.

From the beginning of the school year, in August to around the halfway mark in March, I noticed him doing little things to get my attention. He was always doing something for me, whether it be subtle or not; say we had to take out equipment for our Lifetime Sports class...he would always grab it for me first, or put mine away for me, most often both. Little things like that happened ever so often, and I never really thought of it like it was him trying to get my attention, only him being nice. I found myself thinking about him a lot as time passed, reflecting back to that day in August when he spoke to me for the first time, wondering if it was just him being nice, or if there was some type of underlying vibe. I quickly disregarded these thoughts and came to the conclusion he was just being nice. After all, he still had a girlfriend, and ironically enough, my friend and I would always send each other the posts he made about his girlfriend, claiming we couldn’t wait until we had someone who treated us so good. Who would have known?

April slowly started to come to an end, and this is when things slowly started to pick up. We were texting everyday, almost 24/7, and he would even pressure me into coming down to Sonic, where he worked, to give me free shakes or slushies. Though things felt a little more than just “friendly,” I did not do anything to advance it, considering the girlfriend I mentioned was still around. I did not really feel right messing up somebody else’s relationship. Very shortly after all of the late night runs to Sonic, he confessed to me that he did not have very strong feelings for his current girlfriend, and it just was not a relationship he wanted to be in any longer. His ex and him were always the on-and-off type, but for some reason, I thought my relationship with him would be different. The two eventually broke up, and less than a week or so later, we were officially more than just friends. I felt as if I had been waiting for that exact moment to happen for nearly a year, and it made my heart burst with happiness.

May 19 was the day we started dating. The pace at which we were moving scared me but thrilled me all in one. I had never felt this way about anyone. Sure, I had been in relationships before, but nothing as exciting as him. Everything with him seemed magical. He met my family first, and they really liked him. I met his family next, his immediate family, and it made me happy to be around them. They always found a way to have fun. I met the rest of his family--aunts, uncles, grandma’s, grandpa’s--at his graduation. They were all great too. Family was an important factor for both of us in our relationship, which was determined pretty early on. The next month or so I spent with him was beyond amazing, so wonderful I cannot even begin to describe the level of happiness I felt. We went to parks and walked millions of trails, attended concerts, festivals, watched movies, shot fireworks, and took his dogs on walks.  He also took me on picnics, made me a playlist...and most importantly, he introduced me to music I never would have looked twice at. Music was always an extremely important factor in our relationship. From the first time we ever hung out, which was the night of prom, we both ditched and went to Dairy Queen instead. We vibed heavily over music. We found out our taste in music was shockingly similar; we both listened to music that many people did not find “popular” and realized we both battled similar demons growing up, though the situations may have been different. This definitely brought us closer. He introduced me to so many bands and artists that I love and listen to to this day, and for that I could never thank him enough.

The time period between the end of April to the end of June was some of the happiest moments of my life. That may sound a bit over exaggerated, but anyone who knew me knew how happy I was. We were inseparable for the longest time, and everything we did, we did it together. Our bond only grew closer, with one another, and with each other’s family as well. The very first of July came, and things became a little rocky. He texted me saying things like he did not know if he could do this anymore, it did not feel right, and so on. In-person communication had always been so important to both of us, or so I thought, so for him to dump everything on me over text made my heart feel heavy. I ended up going over to his house later that day, and everything in person was so much different. He told me he did not know what he was thinking, and he still wanted to be with me. So we worked past it. From there on, I had a not-so-good feeling in my gut. But I chose to listen to his words over his actions, which was a mistake on my part. The next week or so was pretty good. We attended a music festival in the city, and things were happy. I did not think much of the events from the week prior. Then, the end of the week approached. Once again, over text, he told me that things did not feel right, and he thought if he gave it some time it would change, but it did not. Except this time, there was no talk in person, things were just ended over text. In the beginning, I did not really know how to comprehend this, mainly because we both discussed we would never make those types of decisions over text. But, he did, and from there on out, his true colors started to show.

A week later I went to Florida on vacation to visit my family. Besides a few text arguments, we had not spoken at all. I would say I was in Florida for about a week or so before we started talking again. He apologized to me for the way everything happened, said he wanted to try things again, and promised to work on things that were not all that great before. He also confessed to me that during the time of our two-week breakup, he had hooked up with his ex. This was the hardest thing for me to accept and move past, but against my better judgement, I did. I figured “Well, everyone makes mistakes. Maybe he had genuinely changed. Everyone deserves a second chance, right?” Wrong. My family was iffy about us getting back together, but supported me, and tried to be nice to him, regardless of how they felt.

The remainder of July was absolutely wonderful. He really did stick to his word, and improved. He even came to Florida to visit me, regardless of the fact I was only there for three weeks. There was not a doubt in my mind at this point; everything looked like it was getting better and we were happy. I came back the first of August, and everything that was there when I was in Florida, did not seem to be there anymore. The effort lacked, the communication was not good, there were arguments...everything seemed to take a complete 360o turn. The confusing part was nothing happened to spark this. It was just me coming home. This lasted for about a month until the beginning of September came, and once again, throwing all the promises and things we had worked on out the window, he broke up with me over text again with all the same excuses. This soon began to feel like a “norm.”

Another thing that soon began to feel like a “norm” was not staying broken up for long. Less than two weeks passed, and we were already talking again. He said he was sorry for the way he ended things, and we both wanted to try to work things out again, just without jumping into another relationship so fast. We took things a lot slower and were never really official. I quickly found out that during this time he was talking to his ex again. Though things were never really “official” between us during this time, it hurt to know that he could tell me one thing, then completely disregard it to be with her while he was still with me. All communication was cut off...for another few weeks. The “norm,” remember? We started talking again in October, for a few weeks, then it ended again. He confessed he hooked up with his ex again toward the end of October when we were not together. After this, my family did not like him or support my decision to be with him, so each time we got back together after October, I kept it from them. My friends did not like him either, but supported me regardless.

At the beginning of November, it all started back up again, for a few weeks, then ended again, and he got back with his ex, again. It became a cycle. When it ended toward the end of November, we did not speak again until the first of 2019. Because there was no communication for so long, I thought things were really over. I started to move on, then, almost on cue, a text from him appeared on January 1, 2019. All of the same things were said, but I still believed them. Honestly, I am not sure if I actually believed them, or I just wanted to. I already knew him, and did not want to build a new bond with anyone else when I already had one with somebody. So we agreed to build things back up, forget the past, yada yada yada. This lasted for a whole week before it ended again, over text. The effort was there for maybe a couple of days, but it was all fake. I had already seen his true colors. The feelings just were not the same anymore. Nothing could change that anymore, and I finally realized that.

This story is not me asking for anyone’s pity, or sympathy. It is not me bashing somebody I love, or used to. It is simply me reflecting on events that made me into a better, stronger person. For 9 months, I rode a rollercoaster with super high highs and very low lows. I experienced feelings I did not know I even had, or ones I never knew I could feel so strongly: love, hate, pain, happiness, sadness, anxiety, excitement, jealousy, pettiness, comfortability, reliance, trust, toxicity. Going through an endless cycle of making up and breaking up, the in-between filled with blocking each other’s social media, just to unblock it in a couple of weeks, harsh text messages, petty posts to try and get each other’s attention, broken promises, and everything else in between--only to take it all back a few weeks later--was a prime example of a toxic relationship. Reflecting back on this relationship really shows me what I need to look for in my next relationship. It shows me what red flags to be aware of. It also brought me a new feeling of self worth.

Being in an unhealthy relationship makes one feel disgustingly terrible about yourself, it makes you hate yourself, and constantly wonder what you are doing wrong. When you come to realize you are not the problem, you can only go up. Of course, everyone has toxic traits,but being in a toxic relationship helps you improve these traits. It takes two to be in a relationship, especially in an unhealthy one, and realizing the bad traits you have and fixing them, will only make your next relationship much more healthy and happy. Being with my ex, experiencing most of our relationship over the phone, and breaking up over text message every single time, made me feel so unhappy. I realized I did not want to live that way--through my phone, through social media. Currently, all of my social media is disabled or logged out of because I came to the conclusion I want to live my life for me, not based on the judgement of others. I can confess, I’ve been a lot happier. It took me hitting an all-time low to discover an all-time high.