I had been dreading this moment ever since my parents said we need to talk. I knew that something was wrong and thousands of thoughts flooded my mind. As I processed the situation one thought would not leave my mind. No matter how hard I tried to think that it could not be true, I knew it was you.

My heart was in my stomach. I knew deep down in my gut what they were going to say. As the words spewed out of my mother’s mouth tears began to stream down my face. You had taken your own life. Memories began to flood my head. Then I realized they were not memories, only stories I have heard about you. I cared so deeply about you and I never truly knew you. I cared so much but you chose to leave me. As my mind pieced together the situation it all began making sense. I was given bits of information my whole life but never the truth. It felt as if you were not even my grandpa. I was broken down scared. 

My mind is consumed by the last memory I have of you. A happy memory, yet the worst one. Little four year old me was ecstatic to get a new barbie doll not knowing why I was receiving it. Nobody would have thought that this was one of the last times that I would see you. Nobody knew that this was a goodbye gift. I still have this barbie and it brings so much sadness. Sure, a barbie doll will make a four-year-old happy, but what you left me with was not a toy. It was a hole in my heart.

As I tried to focus on the words that were not making any sense, the room was silent. On occasion, you could hear the tapping of my dog's feet. Confusion and sadness filled the air so thick it made it hard to breathe.  The brown couch did not feel the way it usually did. My home did not comfort me. The white walls were now black and they seemed to close in and devour my parents and I. As the words were flowing from my parents, the walls were creeping closer and closer until it all went dark and they collapsed. 

As I opened my eyes I saw you. A man that was  6’7, golden, and happy. That image was now gone. Your smile turned to the face of a man who needed help. The face of a man that could not handle life and his actions. 

Ever  since that day I have not been the same. I fear life. I have learned how fragile it is and how easy it is to lose someone. I don’t understand how someone with a loving family could choose to remove himself from this world. Nobody knew that you needed help, yet we all still feel that it is our fault in some way. You left me with more than just sadness. You left me with a fear. A fear that ruins me. I fear losing others. I fear every time someone does not answer their phone, or when they are mad. I fear that someone else will take their life.