When I was little I had the best life any little girl could ask for. I had two great parents who loved me. But every child has a favorite parent and in my case, it was my dad. I had the best father. He was always there for me when I needed him to be, I was his little girl, his princess, and he loved me very much. I wasn't always the best daughter but he knew that I loved him and I knew that he loved me. We had the best relationship, I think even my brother was a little jealous of it. So I was too busy trying to keep my dad all to myself, I let him slip away that day.

He died that day. I remember the look that the doctor gave me when he was about to tell me that my dad was dead. It was an Im-so-sorry-you-no-longer-have-a-dad kind of look.  I was crying in my room when I found the song ”Hurt” by Christina Aguilera and I decided to listen to it. The music was soft but heartbreaking. You could hear the hurt in her voice as she sang the soulful song. The lyrics read,  

“Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today.”

Those lyrics hit me really hard because as much as I loved my dad I didn't show it as much as I should have. I know that he knew it but I just wish that I could turn back time and tell him that I'm sorry and that I love him. Also to feel safe, I always felt safe in his arms and I want to feel that safety again. It was at that moment listening to the song that I felt regret that I didn't say goodbye, I felt suicidal, I felt depressed and like I was dying.

Going on, life was tough moving on, life was difficult for the next year but at least I had the song to get me through it. The lyrics really spoke to me. Some at different times and sometimes all at once.

“Some days I feel broke inside, but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this”

That was exactly how I felt. It was impossible to say goodbye to him. I had to keep my head up high and pretend like it was ok. My whole family was falling apart but I couldn't let myself. I had to be there for my mom and my brother. At the end of the long hard day, I would go up to my room, listen to that song, and cry. I was falling apart and nobody even knew. This heartbreaking and soulful song was getting me through this tough time. I needed to move forward with my life and grieve him because it’s what he would have wanted.

I started to feel better when I was listening to that song and I wasn't crying, I wasn't in as much pain, and I wasn't dying. My life was slowly getting better…. It was at this moment when I realized that I could do it without my dad. I would be ok and that scared me so much. I went back and listened to the song. 

“Are you lookin' down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?”

I started to break down again because I know that he is up there looking down upon me. That part of the song made me feel a way I had never felt before. I was scared. I was scared of letting my dad go, I was scared to move on and live my life the way I know he wanted me to, I was scared that I would never be the same. Well, I was right about one thing, I was never the same person.

Now, whenever I get sad I think about that moment. The part where I got through it. The part that made me realize that nothing I do will bring him back. The part that made me strong. The part that made me realize not to take things for granted. I still miss my dad so much and I still listen to the song a lot but it doesn't make me as sad anymore. The song still helps me realize that I'm ok even when I don't think that I am.