Sophomore  year, I hit  rock bottom. I  would say on average I hear people say how much they hated freshman year, or that junior year is difficult and stressful. A lot actually think   sophomore or senior year is a breeze, I may not know what senior year is like yet, but I can definitely say my sophomore year of highschool was excruciatingly terrible. I remember middle school so vividly. I was a good student, I received good grades my whole life. I was even on honor roll twice in middle school but it feels like all my efforts in middle school are washed away. It doesn’t really matter. Maybe I did better academically because I recieved more sleep, or maybe it’s because I was a younger and brighter kid. I was naive back then, I wanted to grow older but now that I am, I realize how ignorant I was. 

     I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for a significant portion of my life. The thing about depression and anxiety is they enjoy walking into your life when you are least expecting it. I went into sophomore year assuming it would be this simple and cheerful year, but that idea was soon shut down. I developed really bad chronic insomnia from the beginning of the year until the end. It made my mental health worsen immensely. Having insomnia as a highschool student is extremely difficult. The sun shining through my white curtains, onto my face and eyes. I slowly opened my eyes, looking at the sun light up the room. Groggy and feeling this immense wave of exhaustion making it difficult to get out of bed. It became a challenge waking up at 6:30 AM because a lot of the time I'd go to bed at 5:00 AM. I had to fill my body up with sleeping pills every single day, until they stopped working on me because I used them so much. I went to the doctors multiple times seeking help each time getting a stronger dosage of sleep medication but I still struggled getting sleep often. I remember each pill, wondering if it would work at that time. I remember this pill. Small and purple. and I was glad it was finally working on me but then after a while it stopped; I ran out of options again. Insomnia was just the beginning of my problems.

     My insomnia kept my depression more alive and stronger. It seems like everyone in highschool has depression nowadays; we are all teenagers with our own struggles growing up. Every single day, I was exhausted of life. I had a lot of things going on at home, a lot of arguments with my parents constantly; I had a lot of problems with myself, I was struggling academically and I was constantly stressed trying to get sleep, even if it was just an hour so I could go to school. I distanced myself from a lot of people, I started off as this optimistic, social, just overall a genuinely happy person ready to start off the year but I felt so alone, so distant from everyone around me and, I grew this hatred for myself. I hated myself for pushing myself from everyone, for quitting soccer because I was too tired and became too anti-social. I kept to myself and it was the worst decision I made for myself. There was no one else to hate for it but myself.

     My anxiety has always been worse than my depression. I felt like it honestly controlled my life for the longest time, it was like a puppeteer and I was it's puppet. My depression told my brain how to feel and what to do. I’ve had it every since I was younger but at a certain point I improved at managing it decently. Last year knocked me off my feet, I had multiple panic attacks in the middle of the night and my anxiety was shooting through the roof constantly. It was to the point where when I woke up the first thing I did to start of my day was to overthink. I would feel panic rush through my body at school sometimes and all I could think about was that if I got more rest and was happier maybe it wouldn’t be like this. Its like I had multiple mini people in my brain saying so many things to me at once and I couldn’t handle it. My sleeping medication made me feel the worst. Every night I would try to go to bed feeling anxious because that’s what my sleeping pills would do to me. I felt so many emotions and it was only so much I could handle

     I tried my hardest that year. My hardest wasn’t good enough for everyone but life is difficult like that sometimes. I had a ton of setbacks. I was prescribed antidepressants and multiple sleeping medications that would treat my insomnia and depression but they only made it worse. I went to counseling a bunch of times in my life but it never helped so even though I was offered it multiple times last year  I always declined. I wonder if things would've gotten easier if I gave it a chance again. I had a lot of people try to act like they understood me but they didn’t. I would always get in trouble at school for bad attendance. “I know how you feel, I have trouble sleeping too.” My principal would say. I sat down in the principal's office. “It’s not just sleeping problems.” “ You need to put your phone away before you go to bed”. My mother said. I heard all the ignorant comments. I did everything you could imagine to get sleep and to be happy again.  I put my phone away before I tried to sleep, I listened to boring podcasts, I exercised, I tried “sleep” teas, and I basically tried everything in the book. People didn't really get how I really felt at that time.

     Even though I really disliked sophomore year, not all moments were always the worst. There was a time where I wondered when I was gonna get better again and that time seemed really far away. Eventually I pushed through and I made a lot of progress over time. I had to really work on myself and accept help and push myself to be social again for the better. I am still learning to love myself, and I am still working on my mental health because I know life won't always be perfect and there will be tons of setbacks. During the summer it felt like the weight of the world was finally lifted off my shoulders. I started this year as a junior brand new. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety daily but I manage to sleep without sleeping pills now. I talk to more people now and I can honestly say that even though things get hard sometimes I have been so much happier than last year. I still get scared that I will struggle again like last year, or feel similar feelings again now. I get scared that I will struggle academically now. I get sad thinking about times last year, how I felt, and how hurt I was. But the past is in the past and it did get better eventually. I can't be scared anymore, because if I came back from it, I can come back from anything. I just needed to learn how to maintain hope, and handle obstacles more properly. High School is hard and so is growing up, but we all need to try to handle it the right way.