Nothing is forever and everyone has to experience the losses of somebody important to them in their whole life. For me it’s the same. Just not too long ago in this year, I lost someone that was really important to me. He cared about me and really loved me, and unfortunately, I am not going to see him again. He just left suddenly and I didn't even get a chance to say good bye. He's my grandpa. In my memory, he is a good old man who always have a smile on his face. He loved smoking and drinking tea. He was so nice and kind to everyone around him, and his death was a great loss to all of those people too. The last time I saw him was the last winter break. I went back to my hometown and he was really happy to see me. He was so proud of his grandson that being an international student studying abroad. We talked a lot at that night, like our lives and our future. But I didn't expect that it was the last time I could see him and talk to him. 

After a month I came back to U.S., I got a message from my mother, saying that he's already gone because of heart attack. In that moment, I felt like the whole world was darken. After making a few phone calls and made sure it was true, I put down my phone, and laid on the bed. Staring at the white ceiling, I felt like it’s a huge screen and the movie of me and him was playing on it. I tried to raise my arm to reach it, but it felt so numb. Air in my room started to get bitter and it’s more and more difficult to breath. Finally tears felt down from the corner of my eyes. The movie still continued and I wanted to shout out, but all I could hear was the heartbeat of myself. I forgot the time and how long did that last for, and there was only lost and helplessness in my heart. All I was thinking was why, why I couldn’t even get a chance to say good bye? I heated myself for being so far away from home, and I hated myself for leaving him alone. Everything seemed so good when I was with him but how could everything changed so fast? It was just like a thunder in a sunny day and it was so hard for me to accept. I couldn’t find the direction and make my life on track again. I didn’t attend any class and didn’t even eat any thing in a whole day.

I haven’t got a lot of time to spend with him since I went to the junior high school. I was 12 then, and my parents believe that I am old enough to take care of myself. They put me into the boarding school and they wanted me to be independent. And my grandpa would go back to his hometown in Meizhou. I was so sad to leave, but grandpa said: “ No no no, don’t be! I want you to understand that I will not able to stay with you forever! You are growing up and one day, you will have to face this world on your own. Earlier or later, this day will eventually come. Grandpa will be so proud of you if I can see you become a strong, independent, and self-disciplined man.” Gradually, I got used to the life without his snacks, and I was trying to be the man he wanted me to be. As I grew, I found out that more and more annoyances and troubles were coming for me. My study was like a huge stone on my back and I was so tired to move on. I was not so happy as before and that was the first time I felt the difficulty of being a strong man. But grandpa did what he said to me. When I was lost and I needed to have someone to talk, he was on the other head of the phone. I still remember those day I held the payphone in the dorm and stood by the windows, and my grandpa was just like the silver moon in the dark sky. I laughed when I heard his embarrassing stories when he was young and work in the factory. As the father of my mother, he always told me the difficulties of my parents and how much they care about me.He was not a highly educated man and he didn’t know anything about my maths and English homework, but I was always energetic after every time I talk with him, because I felt the peace and love deep from his heart. 

In the movie, I saw the last time I met my grandpa. After a week I came back to China, my family decided to have a dinner together. My parents reserved a room in a big hotel and invited a lot of members. However,when we were going to set off, my grandpa was missing. None of my families knew where he was and we really worried about him. So they told me to find him as soon as possible. At first, I didn’t have any clue. I when to the market but he was not in there.Then an idea came up in my mind: he likes playing chess ! So I went to a community park for old people, and it’s near my elementary school. Everything is so familiar to me.  As I thought, he was playing chess with a bunch of old men and he seemed really happy.

“Hey grandson I’m here ! You’re looking for me?” He was so surprise when he saw me.

“Oh yeah finally grandpa! Thanks god you’re here! Don’t you remember our dinner tonight? We are all waiting for you, grandpa.”I answered breathlessly.

“Oh damn! I am so sorry! I thought it is still early now! You know, I’m old and things like this always happen to me.”He looked at the clock and said. 

“No no no it’s okay! We still have time. Let’s just go home quickly.”He’s 74 and I could totally understand him. On the way back home, he asked: 

“How did you find this place, grandson? I’ve never talked about there to your parents.” 

“When I was in the elementary school, you were there everyday, waiting for my class is over and pick me up. I remember everything, grandpa.” 

“And you remember all our secrets, right ? Hahaha…” He laughed, and I also laughed with him. The sky was getting dark and the lamps were turned on. His pace was slow, so I slowed down so that I could walk with him side by side. The far west of the sky was blocked by the skyscrapers of the city, but we could still see the beautiful pink glow of the sunset. In the crowded street, the car horns and people’s noise were so loud, but we just talked about our own business, as if there were only two of us in this world. Curiosity and happiness were in his eyes when I describe my wonderful experience in the United Stated. “ You know what, grandson,” he said, “ I never expected you to be some kind of great person. The only thing I hope is you can finish whatever you dream to do. You still have a long long way to go.Whenever you feel lost, just think about me and I am right behind you.”

It was so clear in my head. I was lost, and I knew he was right behind me. I need to finish what he want me to do. I knew even he’s in the heaven, he’s still watching me. I want to finish his wish and I will never let him down. He meant a lot to me, but losing him doesn’t mean lose everything. I still have my family, my life, and my dream. I felt sorry for being so far away from home, but as he said, no matter what I do he’ll understand and support me. There was no way, no way I could know I was going to lose him. Just like everyone else that gets far away home, I suffered a lot from home missing. But I always let my families know that I love them so much, and this affection can never be separated by distance. I believe that at the moment he left, he already said goodbye to me, and I can even feel how sorry and unwilling he was. But when it’s coming, nobody can stop it. I love him but he’s not the reason I live in this world. I live for myself, so grief is not the reason I give up everything I have. That’s how I learned, and accept. 

For me, the most regretful thing is that I was not able to spend more time with him. As I said, after I went to the junior high school, we got less and less chance to meet. At that time, I never understand the meaning of cherish. It just seemed like everything was in peace, and I thought I still got plenty of time to finish what I want to do with him. I don’t want to find an excuse for myself—I was busy in high school but did have my own time. I spent these time on playing video games and hanging out with my friends to relax myself, but I ignored the most important people around me. Every time when I thought of accompanying with my family, I thought I have the chance to do it later. So, later then later, and then no more later.  I was never a skillful chess player and I believed he could be my master, and I promised him I’ll make a great celebration for his next birthday. But now, I lost my master and his birthday is not coming. So I sweared to myself that I am not going to let that happen again. I’ve got a lot of people in my family, who raised me, cared me, and put all their hopes on me. I know I am not old and mature enough to make some great contributions to return to them, but at least I need them to know that I love and care about them too and I can’t let them down. So I started to do something to those people. The first few day he died, I made phone calls to my mother and my grandma everyday. They are the people who love me the most and now one of them lost her father and the other lost her husband. I told them we will get this through together and everything is going to be alright. That’s how I was changed by this incident.