Dear Diary, 

I remember when life was simple. The laughter throughout the playground. Breeze through my long, blonde hair as I ran away from who was “it” during tag. Feeling the rough wood chips poking my bare legs as I sat in the “Peace Garden”. The site of shaving cream between my fingers as we learned to write letters. Excitement building in me before school each day. The restlessness during nap time as all I wanted to do was “learn” using the shaving cream or the iPads or the bouncy chairs. I remember my first pressure-filled quiz. The look of addition and subtraction spread across the page and the sound of the timer’s starting beep. You only got a sticker if you got a certain number done right. The feeling of sadness wiping across my face when I didn’t even get close. Couldn’t wait for recess to come; maybe even could use that nap time. I remember my first time taking a typing test. The blue boxes covering my fingers. Seeing all the little heads peep underneath the box at their fingers after a quick check to see if the teacher was watching. If you didn’t get the “right” amount you had to do it again while the others had fun. Feeling pride after getting the first time, I get up and go to the library. I hear the clicking of keys, but I am focused on the sound of my friends asking how I was so fast. I wanted to only ever type. I wanted to improve to be even better. I remember spending countless hours preparing for my “State Fair” project in the fifth grade. Hoping it was good enough to impress the others. My teacher looked at my costume and sand dunes diorama of Michigan and smiled. I see her mark her clipboard and move on. The butterflies in my stomach do not disappear until she hands me back the paper with my grade. An A! I remember when we made songs for science class. I was so excited to produce the music video to it. Spent countless hours perfecting everything within the Imovie. The feeling of blushed cheeks when he had to present it. Would the class like it? I remember a new feeling of dread every single time I had to come to my freshman science class. Everything was graded–hard and what seemed unfair. Turning in labs and getting points off for wording, but not the actual content. I hated it. I didn’t like coming to school anymore. I remember feeling so stressed because of all the homework I would have some nights. Not being able to do anything but homework. My eyes beginning to blur from looking at textbooks and computers for so long. Still seeing the worksheets left to do as I leave for work. Seeing the clock strike 12 in the morning. Hearing my parents tell me to go to bed. Sitting up anxious that I won’t finish the homework in study hall. I couldn’t even get up in the morning. I asked my mom to call me in. I wanted a break. I had no time for myself anymore. 

I remember when school was fun. I remember going out for recess and wanting to come back to learn. I remember when we would learn through projects, songs, dioramas, presentations, and more. I remember the love I had for learning. But, I also remember thinking that learning was a chore. I remember thinking that school and homework were just other things on my never-ending list of things to do. I remember the stress and how it made me feel. I remember feeling sick after not finishing my homework the night before. I remember feeling worthless after getting a bad grade after studying for hours. I remember hating something that I once loved so much. 

Good night, 

Alyssa =