I never knew how much the curly-haired, brown-eyed girl would have affected my life. Then again, we don't know what we have until we lose it. I wish I could tell you about the first time we met, however, we never had a set date. I was born a year before her to the date and we always shared birthday parties. We would laugh and play and be the stupid little kids that we were. Was it a simpler time? Yes. Did it last for long? No.

As time went on, we started to grow apart. No more shared birthday parties, and no more stupid little girls. We each had a path and we were following it. I saw her at family reunions and Christmas Eve at our grandparents', but other than that, our paths stopped intertwining. If only I had known that she was trying to cut her way back to my path. She was swimming against the tide of life that never stopped flowing, and she was doing it all alone. 

Middle school was tough for both of us, yet for completely different reasons. Where I was struggling with my self-confidence and recovering from abuse, she was struggling with her gender identity. I couldn't tell you when she made the switch. Maybe it was when she stopped wearing feminine clothes, or maybe it was when she cut all of her curly brown hair off. Regardless of the when, she seemed to be more confident and happy with herself. 

Cutting was something that had been in both of our paths. I cut to make myself feel something. She cut because she didn't like how she felt. I got help and recovered, she still stayed with the slit wrists. Yet every time I saw her, she never failed to have that big smile on her face. I'm only now realizing that the smile was only covering up the tears.

High school finally rolled around and I was thriving. Constantly surrounded by friends and a supportive family. Yet that curly-haired, brown-eyed girl was sinking lower than ever. My confidence went up and hers was nonexistent. We haven't seen each other in over a year and a half, but I've heard that she's doing fine.

I learned from my other cousin that the little curly, brown-haired girl was no longer a girl. They had made the full switch and I was so happy for them. If only I hadn't been the only one. My family can be brutal at times, and I've always known that. But I never would have expected the reaction my family had to my favorite cousin coming out as a trans man. It was like they wanted nothing to do with him. They believed that casting him off to the side was the best course of action. It made me sick. Yet as time went on, my family became more open to the idea of being transgender, and things got much better for my oldest friend. 

The 2020 family reunion rolled around and I was ecstatic. It had been such a long time since I had seen everyone, and I was especially excited to see a certain curly-haired boy. Only, due to some drama, our time was cut short. Everyone left and I didn’t even get to say “goodbye.” If only I had known what was to come.

About a year later I was sweeping the house when my dad got a phone call. He answered and ran into another room calling my stepmother in behind him. I knew something was wrong, but I never could have imagined. An hour later my parents called me into their room to tell me some of the worst news I had ever received in my life.

My curly-haired, brown-eyed boy was gone. And it was by his own hand.

I laughed at first because I thought they were teasing me, and then it sank in; I didn't stop crying for two days straight. I never knew how much I would truly miss that curly-haired boy. I never knew how much I would miss his laugh or his smile or even having to share a party with him.

I've learned two very important lessons from that curly-haired, brown-eyed boy. Number one, being kind can really go a long way. I wonder if people would have been kind to him, would still be here? Or, if there was someone there for him to talk to, would it have fixed anything? Number two, people are suffering every day. Whether it be from a sickness or a loss of some kind, or even something as simple as the stresses of school. You never know what is truly going on with a person, so don't miss an opportunity to save someone from making the biggest mistake of their life. 

I know everyone has their curly-haired, brown-eyed boy, whether you know it or not. So spread love and kindness, because you never know how much of an impact it could have.