After all these years of school, gaming, sports, drawing, and bonding with my family. I’ve matured and gone so far as to have a good life. Later on, I go to sleep. I put on my white, long-sleeved pajama top and blue, chequered pants, and skydive onto my sponge-like bed. I pull up the blankets and I lay my head onto the pillow. I look deeper into my personality and other thoughts about me. I have now fallen asleep. I realize how I used to act and feel. I don’t know why I started to hate myself out of nowhere. I’m now in a dream, not so much of a dream. More to say, this dark place in my mind. What is it? An endless void? A pitch-black tunnel? Why am I crying when I’m not even sad? Who put this here? I put it there. 

It’s dark, lonely, and full of sorrow and disappointment. I kept it here and was stuck in this direction for over three years. No one else could see it but me. I can feel my heart being stabbed every second just by thinking about me and my reflections on who I am. I try to lift my arms and hands, but it feels like I’m lifting up a car. I try to be happy for what I do, but my heart is a rock at this point in life. Whenever I’m sad, it puts a huge dent in my soul. My body wants to collapse and sob. I wake up happy, thinking I will have a good day (even if I have a nice day, I still feel like I’m always being slammed against the ground full of doubt). I have the same old kind of day: eating, gaming, talking, and sleeping. I feel a slight bit of hopelessness in me when I am at school. I went from lifting eighty pounds to sixty. I went from playing video games for three hours to one. Most of the time, I’m slouched over like a crescent moon, constantly feeling sad, confused, and introverted. So many things course through my head as I go through each terrific day. My face turns red. I feel so nervous, and I feel like I passed out just by even thinking about talking to someone about it. I go to sleep and I’m walking, hands in my pockets, into an abyss. An abyss full of nightmares and suicidal dreams. 

One dream I had was on a snowy, blizzardy night. It took place near the middle school and the library. There was ice on the roads and I was lying on the side of the road. I woke up with an icicle impaled through my stomach. I saw a person walking in the distance with my eyes half closed with blood all over my white pajama shirt. I could barely tell what the person looked like; he had a brown jacket and dark hair and was slowly walking away from me. I tried to get up and was sobbing, trying to get up on my own two cold feet. I started catching up to the guy but at such a slow pace. He was walking towards his brown cabin. His roof had a lineup of twelve inch icicles across the porch to the other side of the house. He slammed the door shut and locked it. I was standing there with my cold tears dripping down my freezing face. The slam of the door shook one icicle to my left of the stairs, and fell on the snowy grass. I slowly bent down, picked it up, and glanced at it. My hands were so cold they were about to turn into two ice sculptures frozen in one position. I turned it around to make the tip face me and I put full force into the icicle. Both hands I penetrated it through my heart, and there I was, lying between the icy roads and the guy’s cabin.

Usually, what I try to do to cope with my severe depression is to just play video games, my piano that sits next to me, listen to music, play my drums full of two-foot-long webs, and I’ll also tend to draw here and there. I like playing video game music on my piano such as Super Mario and Minecraft. I’ll play video games like Super Smash Bros Ultimate, Minecraft, Apex Legends, and Mario Kart most of the time. I chill on Discord and talk to my friends while playing those games. Usually I like to coach people on discord for Smash Ultimate and win tournaments and crew battles. I like making money off of winning Smash Ultimate tournaments (I win at least over $150). My friends and I host Mario Kart night sessions and have a blast playing until one in the morning. My real-life friends and I will play Apex Legends and football a lot. My ways of relaxing are fun, active, and most of all, they make me happy.