I didn't sleep all night and I was nervous. Finally the morning came. ¨Elianna wake up it's time¨, tia says. 

¨Yes, tia. I´m awake¨ my voice was scratchy and devilish.  

After I woke up and dressed myself my tia gave me a speech. ¨Elianna, always remember where you come from. I know it's hard, but I know how strong you are. Remember that you are leaving to have a better future. I will miss you. It’s not easy for me to let you go. 

I was wondering why my future is that important. Why do I have to throw away my identity, my friends and my family. I didn't understand why I couldn’t get all the things I wanted at the same time: my identity, my friends, my family and moving to the United States to be with my parents. Why couldn't I have all those things at the same time? 

My feelings were all messed up. I was happy to be with my parents after nine years, but I was sad because I was leaving the life that I created in my childhood. 

I remember my tia’s face. She was cooking some platanos maduros con huevo for me. She was mashing the platanos like she was mashing all her feelings,  It was as if she was retaliating  her furia with the platanos. 

I remember the smell of her rabia. All the air that she and I were breathing had some type of sadness. The environment was sad. 

I´ve always described my aunt as strong, with a lot of attitude, but also responsible. She has carried me since I was three years old. She was always there for me. Even if she had a lot of attitude or sometimes we had a different point of view she was always there when I needed it the most. 

I remember blaming myself for leaving to another country and leaving my little sister alone. She was crying a lot.Every time she cries it feels like she has stabbed me with a knife. I blamed myself for leaving her alone. 

I remember my hands shaking, my whole body shaking. I remember blaming myself for leaving my house.

I remember being scared that nobody wanted to talk to me just for the fact that I was leaving. 

I remember my neighbors' faces, they were sad as if somebody had died. Their expressions on their faces were like blaming me for leaving them. 

I remember  getting into the car, putting  my last footprints into the street where I grew up. The street that sees me grow and be the best of me everyday. 

We arrived at the airport and it was like arriving to the dead. I remember questioning myself. 

What if I leave everything and I go back to my house?

What if I scream how nervous and scared I am to meet my parents?

What if I left my selfishness and gave the opportunities to my parents to be with me again after nine years?  

I finally made the line to security . It felt like I was standing in line to go to my grave. At least I was comfortable because even though I was in the line I was watching my aunt and cousins from a long distance, but still saw them. The moment that I crossed the line and I wasn't able to see them again destroyed me. It was devastating.

My stomach was like turbulence  going up and down. My feelings were messed up. Even though I felt like there was a part of my heart that was happy and excited to see my parents again. We were a family separated by boundaries, by lack of food, work and opportunities. 

Finally I would get to see my parents again. For a long time I kept blaming myself for leaving my home country, until one day I understood the words of my aunt ¨You are leaving to have a better future¨. Now I understand that it wasn't about throwing away my identity, my friends and family. 

It was about finding my path. 

It was about learning how to self-advocate. 

It was about having more resources to make the best of myself. 

It was about being open to any information. 

It was about choices. Choices that I know in my home country I wouldn't have. 

I consider myself strong and capable enough to do anything that I propose. I recreated myself when I came to the United States. I made a new Elianna with the ashes from the Elianna of the Dominican Republic. The Elianna of now can advocate for herself and can do things that she never thought she could do. I didn’t fall to cry for leaving my country, I didn’t give up. All my feelings I put it as a reason to keep going and take out the best of me. 

That is what the United States is for me - a country that brings me opportunities. A country that even with its  bad things makes me break my own boundaries. That makes me get the best of me. I’m a phoenix rising from the ashes.