"This is never going to help." Was my first thought that came through my head when I was told about the Integrated Health Program. A program that sounded like a magic cure all for kids with a chronic illness. But my mother pushed me to join this program or just see if I qualify. So I eventually caved after 20 minutes of talking. "What harm could it do?" Ran through my head like a broken record player. Always stuck on that line What harm could it do?

 So we set up my first appointment. It caused harm in that first appointment. I left with tear stained cheeks and a slightly damp mask. But I somehow managed to be just enough of an enigma that they thought that I could fit their needs. I left my sophomore year four weeks early to go do an Integrated Health Program IHP for short. 

I met three new kids with similar conditions on the first day and on the second day we gained one more to make a total of five kids. We had around ten people to be introduced to in one day. It was stressful. But we bonded on that first day and by the end of that week we were tired and a tight group of emotionally raw teens who needed others to lean on. The days came and went from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. every day. An hour and a half of work out and other physical activities that none of us were prepared for. Worked through problems that none of us wanted to but were required to.

 During the first week we were informed that we were in fact the first group into the program.

 "We are the guinea pigs." Was all that I thought of during that week. "They do not really know what they are doing; they are using us to be the trial run. Is this ethical? Do they know what it is like? I have concerns." My thoughts of worry felt as if they could swallow me whole.But all my conderned thoughts were overshadowed by my family's expectation for me to be the magically better person they thought was realistic. 

After four weeks we all left. We went as far as to ban them from our cases after. They were crazy exes that refused to leave us alone.  Only giving advice on anxiety and depression. The staff tried their best to convince us that if we just ignored the pain it would magically go away.

I never got magically better though. I was just left with the tools to build a shelf without a piece of wood. I was given the tools to get better, just a body that was not receptive to any of the ideas. I tried for four weeks  to work with people who I was required to trust. I was at the most vulnerable point in my life. I learned nothing to help.

"It was useless." I have thought many times after this program. But in fact it was not useless. I gained four new friends. The ability to recite anxiety and depression coping mechanisms. And the knowledge that path through the medical madness may not be for me. So I guess that is a positive. I wish that this story has a positive outcome but I have not had that magical experience. So I will end it with a couple of friends and a little less lost.