What is your biggest regret? For the longest time, I found this question not relevant to my life. I try to live not by worrying about what I should have done but instead how I can learn from the experiences I have been faced with. There have been plenty of times when I go to think ‘I should have done that’ or ‘I should have known better’ but honestly there is no point in being disappointed in myself for making a mistake.

Many people may say they shouldn't have trusted someone or they shouldn't have said something but nothing ever struck me as my biggest regret. None of these things were so significant that I couldn’t learn and move past them. Until one day I realized the one mistake I will never get to make up. 

My grandma had lived with me since the day I came home from the hospital. When I was younger I would always sit with her and play games or even just watch t.v. Gram was always so sweet and loving towards me. When she would go out she would get me little candies or toys so to six-year-old me she was the best person in the world. 

As I started to get older, hanging out with my friends, doing homework and other teenage things started to consume my life. I would find myself barely going in to spend time with her, and when I did it was only a couple of minutes. She was always just a room away but I never found myself making the effort to spend time with someone who had nothing but love for me.

April 2019.  Spending time with Gram was made ten times more difficult. She had moved out of my house and was living a few towns over. This made sitting with her for even five minutes an entire event. Not only would I have to be driven to her new house but I would have to find time to work with both of our schedules and find things we could do together. Since she could not drive, this is when I realized that spending time with her was something I needed to put in a large amount of effort to do. 

In no way is this easy to say but seeing her every week turned into every month which turned into every few months. While looking back I should have absolutely made more time even though my life was getting very busy. I was getting real homework, playing on multiple teams, going out with friends. Time seemingly slipped away.

March 2020. The Corona Virus had now shut everything down. I was now purposefully staying away from Gram for the fear that I could possibly give her the virus. It was obvious that as mentally strong of a person she was, her body would not be able to take the hit. Anyone who went near her was taking the highest level of precautions possible. 

April 18th, 2020. My mom's phone rings from the other side of the kitchen. She let it go and the call ended. Immediately another call came in. Nobody calls a second time unless they have something important they need to say. “Gram passed away” is the only thing said. 

My heart sank. I physically felt ill. Waterfalls escaped from my eyes before I could even process what I had just heard. She was gone. There were no more visits or talks or treats. I would never hear her sweet voice again. Grammy was gone.

This is my biggest regret. I could have done more to spend time with her. I could have put in more time. I could have done so many things differently. But from now on it's only what I can do. No more past tense. Although I can't have the time back I promise myself this will not happen again with anyone else I love. Spending time with the people I care about will overrank the unimportant things I once thought were so important.