My parents were sitting at the kitchen table of a woman I barely know, signing papers that will change the life of everyone in the room. A litter of kittens plays in the living room right in front of my sister and me. They play with their mother and kittens, not knowing how their lives are going to change drastically. They act like a herd of wildebeests running across the safari.

    “This is the last paper, I promise.” The kitten adopter said and handed my parents one more paper. “Once we are done, we can get everything ready and you can be on your way.”

    I didn’t want the kittens. Not for a while, at least, but once I saw them, they were in my heart. I so badly wanted to be happy and smile, but watching them play with their mother and siblings, made me wish more and more we weren’t doing this. The less and less I wanted to separate them, the more and more my heart broke.

    “Aren’t they cute?” Betty, my sister, said with the excitement of a five-year-old on Christmas morning. She ran her hand along the kitten’s fluffy back. “I wish we could take all of them.”

    “No, you don’t,” I said and watched as she shook her head. “Think about how chaotic and messy our house would be. Four kittens and a mother? That’s too much.”

    “You can want something, but know you shouldn’t get it,” Betty said and picked up a toy to play with them. She played and petted them, giving them so much love even though she will never see some of them again. “You’re so cute. Do you know you’re so cute?”

    We had two other cats, but they both died over the last couple of years. I want to get more cats, but what if I mess up? I’ve never had kittens and by the look of them, they are chaotic. I might do something on accident to hurt them. That would make everything worse for everyone, and I don’t want to do that. My stomach had a whole butterfly museum inside.

    I looked back to my parents, who were sitting at the table talking to the women in charge of the adoption. My mom and dad had a bright smiles as they listened. The foster mom, Jen, walked through her house, getting different toys and treats. The bags were getting ready for us, which will then lead to us going home. The kittens we were taking home cuddled up next to their mother and the siblings we were taking them away from. I had just started calming down when it all came full force yet again. Forgetting our old cats. Having my stuff destroyed. I accidentally messed up and did something that would hurt them. All coming down on me like a building collapsing on top of the earth.

    “You are all ready.” Pam, the adopter, said and closed the briefcase where she held all the papers. “We can now get you ready to go.”

    Pam and Jen explained the bags that we were bringing home and what was in them. As is tradition with their adoptions, they took a picture of my family with the kittens. They then picked up the kittens we were adopting and explained to my sister and me how to hold them. Betty took one of the kittens with ease and got it naturally.

    “Lucy, it’s easy. You’ll be fine.” Betty said and smiled kindly at me. The smile that I loved so much, yet right now it is like a thorn piercing into my skin.

    “She’s right, it’s easy.” My mom told me and gave me the same smile Betty did.

    The lady holding the other kitten came to me and slowly started to put the kitten in my arms. The kitten started squirming and I immediately felt anxiety and nerves come over me. Why did this always happen? I wanted so desperately to be good at this and make everything go well but it never did. I always seem to mess something up when it comes to the kittens.

    “I can’t do it,” I said and put the kitten back in the woman’s arms, she had never even let go of the kitten. I felt tears come to my eyes and I felt like I did months ago when I said that I never wanted another cat like our old one.

    “Smile,” Jen said as Pam took the picture of my family and the two kittens that were going to come home with us. Pam then turned the phone and showed us the photo.

    “That’s a really good picture.” My dad said and smiled at me. I smiled back, the same smile as in the picture. Half real, half fake. “We better start getting ready to leave.”

    “Yeah, you’re right,” Pam said and picked up Gus, the boy we were adopting. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

    We waited a moment while she said goodbye to Gus and then handed him to Jen. Pam then picked up Phoebe and said goodbye as well. When Phoebe was passed to Jen, she broke.

    “You’re my favorite kitten ever. I’m going to miss you so much.” Jen’s eyes started to go foggy. From crystal to foggy with just one kitten. She sniffed back tears and put Phoebe in the carrier, where Gus already was.

    The mother and two siblings of Phoebe and Gus came over and started to smell and put their paw through. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I looked over and saw a tear going down Jen’s face. That’s when I broke. I felt tears rising like the sun in the morning. The sight of Jen crying made the world turn gloomy. As I watched this and couldn’t do anything, I felt one tear let loose on my face and roll down my cheek. Pam looked over and saw me crying.

    “Oh, what’s wrong?” Pam asked and looked between me and my parents.

    “She just gets emotional sometimes.” My mom said and put her arm around me.

    “I don’t want to take them from you. And I feel like I’m ruining everything.” I said through the tears that were running down my face like they were in a race. Pam looked at me and gave Jen a tissue.

“If you didn’t want to adopt them, then they would have stayed homeless, maybe even in the shed, they were born in. And the problem is, there are more kittens in the world like them. They don’t have a home to go to or people that will love them. Now, because of you, we have more room for another litter of kittens to go. Where people like you will come and give them the loving home that every cat deserves. Nobody’s perfect, and we don’t expect anything close to perfection. We just want kittens to go to a loving home.”

    I looked at Pam and we held eye contact for a couple of seconds before the clouds rolled out. I let out a smile, the first genuine one since we got here. The sun shone again.

    “You are changing the lives of more kittens than you can think. Even if you think you are ruining everything.” Pam said and smiled at me. I nodded and looked down at the kittens that were now going to be coming home with us.

    Because of me, I thought and felt joy. My parents smiled at me and I smiled back, even holding back a giggle. Betty grabbed my hand and I squeezed hers.

    After a few minutes of saying goodbye, my dad picked up the carrier and we headed for our car. We got the kittens settled and waved goodbye as we drove off. I leaned against the window and waved. The sound of two kittens crying as their home disappeared.

I will never forget getting my kittens because not only did I get kittens, I also learned to believe in myself.