2019-2020 was some of the worst years of my life. I remember during that year, I lost all my friends from the year before. In detail; I had close friends but we were separated from classes; therefore, I really didn't have too many friends. I had made excuses not to leave school early or not even go because I hated the idea of being all alone or judged.

 I had one close mutual friend, but often she would leave me, or just not even treat me decently, but i never opened up about it. One day I told my mom about it, why I made so many excuses and why I acted differently. I remember being so miserable with what I called a “friend”; someone who judged me constantly for my interests and called me some interesting names based on my appearance. This is the cause of my depression and anxiety I was diagnosed with a while back. I think how this had an effect on me was, I was so attached to a person who hurt me a lot. I forgave them and just accepted that behavior so I wouldn't be alone anymore. When you have such a strong desire, you dont let anything get in your way. I wanted to have a friendship so I wouldn't be miserable, but when it did it was exhausting begging for an apology and never getting one.

 That effect now lets people walk all over me because they know if I leave no one will ever love me the way they did. I'm really unable to speak because of the fear of loneliness, having no one understanding and most importantly, being forgotten. I don't want to be alone, but after the experiences from 6th grade I went through, I think I purposely isolate myself from others to avoid it from happening again. It feels like being sucked into a black hole or never ending hole where when you suddenly reach the top you just fall back in following a tunnel that leads you to the same feeling, disappointment, especially and most importantly in yourself. It's the cause of how I constantly neglect my emotions and please my desires instead of myself. I look back at how I was and how I turned out because that's something I don't want anyone to go through, something I learned though I was supposed to put myself before others. The experience I went through was terrifying. I would cry every night for how much pain and guilt I felt. I would have panic attacks alone, it felt like drowning in a wave of your own emotions, no lifeguard or anyone to come and help you no matter how much you yelled for help. 

Even now I still feel like this sometimes but i want to stop caring about something that happened almost 3 years ago. Sometimes I think I could have prevented all of this from happening but I was so attached to making such a one sided friendship work that instead of actually putting effort into it, I lost all my self control along with myself. The way I was affected by this was in a way I will never forget about. I find myself often questioning what I had done wrong back then. The feelings I felt in the situation I was in are genuinely incurable, everytime that it almost happens again it feels like a ball attached to a chain on my ankle, while I'm waking up a staircase all it ever does is drag me back down to the bottom. In that moment I remember feeling so alive, working for something that I thought would make me feel better. The result hurt me more than anything else. What happened? Obviously the same thing that always happens, I mess everything up by trying to prevent what happened a long time ago. Back then life was the best, but now life is just a series of closing doors where every time there’s a new opportunity the doors just close in my face. 

Many people struggle with their past, but we keep on running because nothing behind you has something to offer yet everything ahead does, it has endless opportunities; that's what I should have seen back then. I always hated everything about myself, so I changed into what I am now. I was so judged, I ended up losing who I really am. Nothing is really me-- yet that is the effect of the past. I either changed for the better or worse, but I have to live with it. I don't consider myself good or bad now; because I'm just neutral, in the middle. I don't consider my change good or bad only because now I'm not bad, but sometimes I'm not good, but it changes based on the impression you make on people, everything does.

It's like a maze with dead ends, thorns, and a light outside of the tunnel. It’s a never ending loop, yet somehow we find a reason to keep going because we want it to go away,the feeling is so unpleasant, so unpleasant we'd do anything to make it go away. 

With this experience i've learned a lot about myself, and so can others that are going through something similar right now, in the end it works out though, because everyday it gets easier, but you have to push through with the struggle everyday, that's the hard part -- but it does get easier.