May 18th of 2019 was a nice day, my family was goofing around. Me, my brother, and my step dad went swimming, and my mom and sister went to the store. It was kind of cloudy, but it cleared eventually and the sky looked really pretty. My brother and I were splashing around and jumping into the pool. We kept on telling our step dad, ”Cannonball!” because he always made the biggest splash.  When he finally did, we laughed for so long about it. He then joined in on us splashing around and swimming, which ended about an hour later. Then we went inside and cooked, we made mozzarella sticks, they sucked. But we also made chicken wings, which were pretty good. I watched something on Netflix then I went upstairs to go to bed. Randomly I got the urge to tell my stepdad, ”Goodnight, I love you,” but I ignored it. I regret that so much. 

May 19th, I was up at 9 in the morning. I woke up because my aunt was shaking me awake. My only thought was, ”Why is she here?” I left my room and went to the living room, my mom’s whole immediate family was there. But my stepdad was the only one not in the room, which didn't make any sense. Everyone looked so sad so I thought, “Is the dog okay? Did he have to take her to the vet?” My grandpa asked me to have a seat, so I sat next to my brother on the couch. My grandpa puts a hand on each of our knees and says, ”I hate to bring such bad news, but BB has joined Gigi and Papa in heaven.” Suddenly my ears were ringing so loud, I couldn’t even think straight. I thought to myself, “Is this a lie? Maybe it's some sort of sick joke.”  “Oh.” That's all I could manage to say, my mom broke down sobbing. My aunt rushed to give me a hug, but I couldn’t really comprehend what was going on around me. 

I felt this overwhelming feeling of numbness. Everyone around me was either comforting someone or crying. I sat there in disbelief, “But he was fine yesterday? Everyone was ok, what went wrong so fast? Why did he leave me? The heart attack was so sudden, and painful. He should still be here, he was only 35. I can’t cry, what’s wrong with me? I need to help everyone feel better. Comfort them and offer your sympathy, your feelings can wait.” My thoughts were so loud, yet I still felt so empty. This is utter chaos. “No. It's a joke, he’ll come home from work at seven o’clock.” But it was a Sunday, and he didn’t have work. Matter of fact, he wasn’t even living on this Earth anymore. He’s gone somewhere he doesn't have to deal with pain any longer. But that doesn't mean I can't miss him being here. 

My biological father came to town, and he would try and reassure me, “I’ll always be here.” But he was never around in the first place. At that moment I did not care, he wasn’t BB. Nobody could ever try and fill his gap. All of the adults around me would constantly try and say they were there for me. But they were nothing like my stepdad, no one could be. They weren’t him, and they for sure could not bring him back. Sure I love them all, but I can’t try and have the same bond I did with my stepfather with any of them. The only` one who I felt was actually there to listen was my brother, and our relationship got stronger through this loss. We both miss him dearly.

I didn’t even cry over the whole situation until we held his funeral. I had finally come to the realization of what was happening. Like a slap in the face I realized, “Oh. He can’t ever come back. He’s gone, for good.” That hurt me so badly, it felt as if shattered into a million pieces. It’s been three years since I first lost him. I miss him a lot, and it’s been rough without him. But he will always live on in my memories, and in my heart. One thing I have learned from all of this sudden grief is that you're never promised tomorrow. Live every day like it’s your last, and surround yourself with those you love. Most definitely don’t give yourself a hard time for things you can’t control, it does nothing but weigh you down. If you, my reader, have ever experienced something similar to me, remember this. As long as you remember them, they live on in your heart. Whether they are here physically or not.