To Dad- I remember when I first saw you again a four year old after you exited out of my life. I didn’t understand the concept of a dad. I just knew I didn’t have one. I knew I had a step dad because who knew where mine was. My sisters would come over and spend the night when I was younger. I knew they came from you but I didn’t know who you were. I was always scared of men who I didn’t know, when I saw you when I was four I was terrified of you and again when I was six.

On that porch when I was four and my mom told me you were my dad and I didn’t believe her I thought to myself no that’s some creepy guy, I don’t have a dad, my dad is my step dad. I ended up going to your house a lot after the first time when I was six. I was so happy to finally have a dad. I was still terrified of you and still am. I was scared to move, use the restroom, eat, be bored, be tired, I was scared to do something wrong. Thought you would leave me again like you did when I was a baby. As I grew older my mom would always tell me things like how when I was born you weren’t there. You said you were going to the store to buy me clothes and missed the birth and didn’t come back. Yet when I asked you about when I was born you were there. Who am I supposed to believe my father that left or my mother who stayed. 

I was six the next time I saw you. You lived far away and my sister was the one to ask if I wanted to meet you. I was terrified and my mom said I could. I walked into your house and sat on the couch farthest from where you were. I kept my eyes focused on the TV and would every once in a while quickly take a glance at you. I saw all the pictures of my brothers and sisters on the glass TV stand wondering where I was. I sat and thought about the only two memories I had of you. And one of the memories came back from staring at a picture of me, you, my mom, and sister. I found it one day in my closet and would always take it out and try to remember you and think wow that’s my dad I wonder if he still knows me. 

She also told me how you ever signed my birth certificate so I had my brother's dad's last name. She also very recently told me that you wanted a DNA test when I was born. I was really confused until Tammy (your on and off girlfriend/ 3rd and 4th baby mama) told me that you found my mom cheating or something but you also got a DNA test for every single one of your kids. But that’s not it. Even though the DNA test said that you were my father you still didn’t believe I was your child. That hurt. It was so hard to hear because I at least thought one of my parents loved me but I guess not. 

I knew your love towards me was different. It was always, here’s 20 dollars, go tell your mom to get you something so eat, here’s 40 dollars go get yourself something. Your love was with money. I remember snooping in my moms room and I found a card with my name on it, it said “Kara Lee Smith” and I thought to myself, “Smith”, that’s not my last name, that's my brothers. I didn’t think it was real, my dad actually didn’t sign my birth certificate. When I was around two you signed all your rights to me to my mom. When I found that paperwork I can’t even explain how I felt. Did I do something wrong, I must have done something wrong right? 

My mom told me you did drugs, I didn’t believe her but then I would see these glass pipe things in your drawer you left open or left out on the table. I knew what it was after I was scraping at this glass with something white on it and when you saw what I was doing you told me to put it down and to not do it again and you said to wash my hands immediately and to scrub them. Once again my mom proved me wrong, who I was supposed to trust once again came rushing to my head. 

She told me that you used to always throw her stuff out on the side of the road. I didn’t believe her until I watched you throw your ex-girlfriends stuff out into the alley. Who in the hell am I supposed to believe now? You never came to any of my birthdays but one, I think you're part of the reason I hate my birthdays. My birthday was the first time I really got to know you. I invited you and you said you were coming. I kept calling and texting you and you said you were coming and I trusted you. It was at Wheels of Wonder and it was really packed you could hardly move so I sat against the wall where I could see both entry ways and stayed there my whole birthday with my best friend Lilly waiting for you to come but the only thing we seen was three guys get arrested and one of their girlfriends crying on the phone to their mom that their boyfriend was getting arrested. Multiple birthdays I kept inviting you and you said you’d come and I waited but you never showed. It took you five years to come to one of my birthdays. It took so long for you to actually come I wasn’t even excited. My most recent birthday I waited all day hoping you’d call or atleast call back from me calling you three days prior and you not answering. I waited the day after and then that weekend but still no call. I had already gotten in trouble because I always do on my birthday and the one person I wanted to wish me happy birthday didn’t. Once again my mom proved me wrong. Who was I supposed to believe now?