Voices fill my ears as I sit in a crowded lunchroom. Alone at a lunch table I sit and become engulfed in the immense sounds around me. The yelling of inconsiderate adolescents, the shrieking laughter of obnoxious girls, the deafening bantering of competitive boys, it all forces its way into my head, bombarding my thoughts. My leg rapidly shakes and my fingers tap as a futile attempt to process my surroundings and drag me back to reality. My heart begins to sink as I feel intensely anxious, anxious at how overwhelmed I feel over the sounds attacking me from all perimeters. Just as I begin to falter from the noises, I feel judging eyes pierce my skin, nearly drawing blood. I scan my environment and desperately search for the hundreds of eyes I feel watching my every move, but I find none. Even with the absence of proof I know they are there, eyes analyzing my every move, deeming me unacceptable by every standard. The ocean within me begins to turn to rough waters, I feel the emotions I try so hard to hide begin to leak from underneath the fooling mask I wear. I feel an intense need to escape this overstimulating torture before the voices around me begin to focus on the bursting damn seeping through my complextion. I close my eyes and breathe, attempting to ground myself, attempting to convince myself everything is alright when it feels like it's not, it never works but I try every time. 

I open my eyes and see nothing but endless blue waters surrounding me from every angle. I feel no fear, I’ve been here before. Despite being underwater my eyes don't sting nor do I feel a need to breathe. I don't taste the stale air of the lunchroom, I don't feel the presence of piercing eyes, I don’t smell the unappetizing slop, I don’t see the vulturous crowd, and most importantly I don't hear the vicious sounds. My face looks upon a blinding white light shining down from the sky above, my eyes catch the light turning to sparkling glitter upon the water’s touch. The stunning light show performs far from my grasp, a reminder of what I will never reach. Beneath me is an abyss of darkness, a color darker than black, filled with horrors of the unknown within its depths. I don't seem to be surfacing nor sinking, I am remaining perfectly in balance from the sparkling light surface and the deep dark abyss. I am unaware of the significance of my presence to the infinite blue around me, I could be as large as a mighty blue whale or as helpless as a mere goldfish. However, I doubt my size would affect the neverending sea that encapsulates me, my presence would be the same, insignificant.

Despite the lack of life around me I am aware that I could signal for help, ask for someone to pull me to the surface, to the glittering white lights I so delicately watch. However, I don't think I will, after all, then they would know, they all would. They would know my secret, that I am not like them. They would know I don't feel emotions like they do, I don't think like they do, I don’t act like they do, I don’t function like they do. They would know I don't experience empathy like they do, that I can never seem to express my emotions the way I mean to, that I overthink everything down to a single blink, that I mimic their movements to blend in, that I hyperventilate from anxious worries of the things they find to be so insignificantly small, that my legs shake and fingers tap to process the world around me. They would know that I am struggling to breathe while they waltz through life with laughter and joy by their sides. They would know I am a drowning fish, unable to survive in the waters they all thrive in.

Whilst the sparkling light dancing on the water's face is an entrancing sight, I can’t help but notice the gaping abyss. Its dark depths seem to beckon for me, ready to engulf me in its jaws, plotting to drag me deep into the endless depths. I become increasingly aware that I can’t remain distanced from it for long, I am slowly sinking closer to its grasp. I worry what will happen when I sink too far. My mind runs rampant as it refuses to let go of my biggest worries. My anxiety claws its way back into this world, into a place of serenity where time seems to stop. It clings to my back and digs its sharp claws into my skin, worming its way into my thoughts. The anxiety becomes fuel for my thoughts of intense gloom and the thoughts that I abandoned return to me; they make my heart drop and my chest tighten, constiricting my breathing to short, shallow breaths. I begin to sink from the weight of this anxiety, closing the distance between me and the darkness. Sinking faster does nothing but fan the inferno in my head. What if you’re not made right? What if they all know? They are watching, they are judging, they are deeming you “wrong”. You will always be alone, an outcast. What will you do? Surface? Or Abyss? Overwhelmed by my severe anxiety, I sink like a stone. Whispers of my own consciousness follow me down. Sink? Or Swim?, they say. Feeling the whispers scream in my head I close my eyes and take a deep breath, wanting to run from my own thoughts.

I hear the familiar sounds of a crowded lunchroom. I open my eyes and I am blinded by bright fluorescent lights that burn my skin. The people deafen for a mere second at the sound of a bell, releasing the room to go to their next class. My day continues to be filled with sounds that make my brain seize and  situations that make me feel intensely uncomfortable, thus kick starting my leg to shake vigorously and fingers to tap to a silent rhythm. The yelling and pushing of friends in the halls make me want to run, the shrill and booming laughter in the classrooms make me want to shield my ears, the relentless feeling of severe anxiety makes me want to claw at my throat until my trapped screams are released and silent. But this day isn’t unique, not in the slightest, it is one of hundreds of days where I feel the same uncomfortable things and think the same irrational thoughts. After all that's what anxiety is, irrational thoughts, and when combined with the other aspects leeching in my brain and body, you have a potion of the anguish I feel every second I breathe.

After bells pound to release me from a cause of my anguish, I return home to a loving mother. She meets my beaten manor with a joyful smile and a warm demeanor. Excited to see me, she asks a question thats answer could open the floodgates to what I am feeling. That could reveal the relentless agony I feel, that could be an opportunity for honesty of what's been happening in my own mind, that could help lift this burdensome weight I carry. And whilst I could be forthright about my conditions, I’m scared of what could happen. Being honest in this instant could change how she sees me, how those closest to me see me. It has the potential to change every aspect of my life, of the routine I work so hard to maintain. I’m afraid to answer. 

Her joyous eyes await my answer, meeting her soft gaze, I release a small sigh. How was my day? I answer fine. Without further prodding she accepts, we sit and chat about her day, laughing and joking as we always have. When I’m home, I feel safe, I don't feel the weight of anxiety crushing my weak body. It simply waits for me at the door, leaving this one space for me to live as weightlessly as a feather in the wind. Lying in bed with colored Christmas lights hung from the ceiling, I am left alone with my thoughts. But the vast blue finds its way into my head. I remember the infinite serenity, the dazzling lights, the gaping darkness. Sink or Swim it reminds me, a question it asks me everyday. Be pulled to the surface and leave the jaws of the blue behind, or sink into the depths with your secrets. I’m not ready to be honest, I don't know if I ever will. For tonight, I choose to sink, I can swim another day.