My name. 7 letters. I hate the number 7 -  it reminds me of something dark, like a rainstorm that was never wanted. But I like rain. Sometimes. 

Madison - an English surname that means “son of Matthew”. It means a gift of god. Which is interesting as neither of my parents are religious. 

Dr. Madison West. It sounds like a good soap opera name my parents said. I wish my name had meaning to it. Like it was my grandma's name. Or at least something more unique. But no. It sounds like a good soap opera name.

I used to hate my name. I dreaded the first day of school and a substitute teacher for just that reason. I cringed whenever I heard it for attendance. Although I hated when a teacher would call my name, I never asked them to call me anything else. They just got the hint when they would hear my friends call me by my nickname. Although when I was young I liked to see it on signs over the freeway. “Going towards Madison heading West”  

If I lived in a different state, I would enjoy my name more. It’s cliche as we live in a state that's capital is Madison. “Are you named that because of the city?” Something I always hear. I wonder what it would be like to not be asked that question every start of the school year. I find it funny that I have the same name as the city because I feel like I don’t relate to it at all. It’s very much of a party town, loud, and exciting. I would say I am very much an introvert. I would rather be laying in my bed. 

My name is many things—but I don’t think it’s me.

Maddie. It's so much lighter, like air on a summer day. It grows like a flower in the beginning of spring. In second grade my friend just started calling me that and it stuck. It feels like 6th grade. I have always thought of Maddie as fun and childish and Madison as old and boring. But as I get older I think I am starting to realize that being childish is not what I want to be associated with. It looks like growing up.

I got a job and there were already four Maddies working there. So I only had one choice. To go by my legal name. I got compliments on my name all of the time at work by members which I thought was the strangest thing ever. My name isn’t unique. Hearing my name over and over again at work just made me get used to it. Like nails on a chalkboard.

I’m not embarrassed anymore.

A Thursday night in October, after school. The leaves are falling. The temperature is cold. The softest blanket on top of you as you watch an old Disney Halloween movie.

This is my name. This is me.