Alcoholism, 

You are the blazing fire that burns every forest, the beast that consumes everything beautiful in its wake, the blight that destroys every crop. You have taken what should have loved and cared for me, but you will not take me.

I’ve known you for as long as I can remember. I can still smell your stench on my mother’s breath every time she would kiss my forehead.

I can still hear the screaming and pleading during the countless fights you caused. I have prayed for you to stop your destruction since I was five years old, but you persisted.

I vividly remember all the fights we would have in the car after you slipped your filthy hands around my mother’s throat, choking her with have the strong support system that I desperately need and crave. Because of you, it sometimes feels like I am all on my own.

During the endless screaming matches that I’ve had with you, you made me feel worthless. You brainwashed my mom with your intoxicating potion, making her say the vilest things imaginable to an innocent little girl. You called me disgusting names and told me everyone in my family hated me. With your horrible words, you obliterated my self-esteem and self-worth. When I was just 12 years old, I told your prisoner about how depressed I was. How I felt like my life was a bottomless pit with no way out to see the light. You made her tell me that I was crazy. You even made her call me a liar.

I remember the unforgettable morning last year like it was yesterday. It was five in the morning and you had already infected her. While I was getting ready for school, I heard your boisterous roar from downstairs. I was about to walk out of my dimly lit bedroom, the light yellow walls seeming to extend into a long hallway, my white wooden door getting farther and farther away from me. I was scared to check on you and afraid of what you were about to say to me. My clammy palm finally reached out for the door handle. As I turned the cold metal, you roared again and I flinched. Foul curse words came out of your mouth at the speed of light. Although I was terrified, a part of me felt the need to make sure you were okay. So I opened the door and started to walk toward the stairs. As I went down the brown carpeted steps, my hand gripping the wooden railing, I looked at all of the family photos we had put up on the wall.

As I gazed at the photos, my eyes began to swell up with burning tears. I thought to myself, “how could a hideous monster poison such a beautiful woman?” The tears started pouring out of my eyes like miniature waterfalls, the warm stream running down my cheeks and to my chin. I continued my journey down the stairs all the way to the family room where I came face-to-face with you sleeping on the L-shaped couch. I let out a sigh of relief. I was relieved that I didn’t have to hear your hurtful words, relieved that I didn’t have to have another argument with you that would end up with me begging for you to stop your plague, but most of all, relieved that I no longer had to fear how far the argument could go. I made the trek back up to my room where all of my problems seemed to disappear. When I was alone, there was silence. No screaming, no pleading, nothing. I changed back into my fluffy pink Walmart pajamas and a shirt that swallowed me whole. As I stepped into my cold but comforting bed, I cried myself to sleep as I asked myself, “why is my life like this?”

My life at this point in time was your disease. You took control of her as if she were some kind of puppet. You held my mother hostage during family holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. You have kept her away during some of the most important moments in my life. You have used my family as firewood to keep you warm in your cold dark cave. Because of you, I no longer torture. It felt like my future would be one of turmoil. As I started to grow older, I would constantly think to myself what my life would be like with this ugly creature constantly following me everywhere I go. It felt like there was no escape from you. You haunted my days and nights and never let go. I feared that when I became an adult, you would hold me captive as well. Your haunting began during my elementary school years. As I progressed through school, I became known as “the girl with the alcoholic mother.” It felt like that is what I would be known for my whole life. I would weep to my closest friends about you and how scared I was of your disease. They tried to assure me that you did not define me and that everything would be okay. Although their words would help somewhat in the moment, your terrifying presence still kept me up at night. It took me way too many years to realize that I am my own person. I am the main character in my life and you are just in the ensemble.

Although you are a beast, you helped me learn many lessons in life. You taught me that forgiveness is a big part of growth and to always carry love with me. Due to the experiences you put me through, I care for everyone around me no matter what. You taught me that everyone deserves love, even people who are not so great. Because of you, I learned how to overcome the fire, how to outgrow the blight, and how to fight back against the beast. I was once a scared and confused little girl, but now, I have transformed into a beautiful phoenix flying through life. I’ve overcome the fire and ash you put me through and grown into something strong, resilient, and beautiful.