TRIGGER WARNING // domestic violence, abuse

“I’m gonna paint the lake from up north,” I said to Paige,
“Okay, I'm gonna paint the park,” Paige says back to me.
Getting the paints from the other room we hear shouting and banging from upstairs. Scared knowing that both my dad and her mom had been drinking all night. We ran up the stairs to see my dad hitting and yelling at Michelle, Paige’s mom. His face was red as a rose, her face scared with tears running down it, and both of their eyes were like glass. As tears run down Michelle's face, Paige runs over to her hoping to stop my dad from hitting her again. Frozen in fear of my dad I stand at the top of the stairs until I realize that I need to go and stop him. I ran to Michelle and Paige. My dad is still yelling at Michelle, I yell back at him “Dad stop please, you're scaring me” that doesn’t stop him from yelling at us.
He grabs my arm as hard as he can, pulling me to the door. He whips it open and it hits the wall, the handle leaving a hole in the wall, tears running down my cheeks and falling on my t-shirt. He takes me outside on the cold winter night to Michelle's car on the side of the house. Grabbing his pocket knife out of his dirty jeans that had many holes in them, the silver of the knife shone in the light of the moon as he opened it. He knelt in the dewy grass next to the back tire of Michelle's car, putting the knife against the tire to slash it so she can’t leave.
“Dad no please don’t do this” I yell at him in a crackly voice with the tears running down my cheeks and landing on the dewy grass. My face was almost as red as his, burning up.
“I’m not letting her leave” he shouts at me, still getting ready to slash her tire.
“She won't leave I promise” now a promise that I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep.
“Fine, Come with me” He shouts at me forcefully grabbing my arm again. We’re going on a walk, and afraid I’ll get hurt I look down at the ground the whole time. Trying to warm myself I put my arms inside my shirt. We walk around the block once, I can’t feel my fingers. Twice, now I can't feel my nose. Finally, after twice around he tells me to go back inside.
I walk into the house dark but I can still see enough to know where I'm going. Michelle was sitting at the kitchen table, her head in her hands, Paige hugging her, both of them crying. I sit down on the couch and curl up in a ball trying to warm myself so no one sees me crying even harder, my face red and hot. After 20 minutes of all of us crying my dad stomps into the house slamming the door shut. I jump afraid of what he's going to do. Paige runs over to me on the couch and whispers in my ear,
“Christina im scared what if he hurts us” tears ran down our faces. Her face was as red as mine mascara all over her face from the tears.
“I won't let him hurt you, If he hurts anyone it will be me” I whisper back to her in my crackly voice. Paige motions to the stairs, telling me she wants to go to our room. My dad is standing at the kitchen sink with his head looking down, his hands on the sides of the sink. We quietly make our way down the stairs hoping he doesn't hear us.
We make it downstairs and hug each other as if we haven’t seen each other in years. As we lay in bed, the gate to go downstairs opens with heavy footsteps going down the stairs. Paige turns towards me, grabbing the back of my t-shirt and pulling herself towards me. I hold her as tight as I can, scared that my dad is coming to hurt her. I can tell that she's afraid of him. Knowing that I protect her from him. The steps get closer and closer then they stop abruptly.
“Christina” my dad shouts. The blanket over us shielded us from him. I hear his breathing. I can tell that he’s standing at the end of the bed. Both of us are crying quietly so he doesn’t hear us. The yellow lights turn on shining down at the bed.
“Come with me now,” He says forcefully, still standing at the end of the bed.
“I’m scared of you,” I say, still crying and hugging Paige as tight as I possibly can. A heavy angry sigh comes from him. The heavy footsteps go back up the stairs and the gate shuts. Paige and I let go of each other, I got up and turned the lights off. Paige falls asleep before me, I stare at the ceiling with the fear of if I fall asleep he will come back down and hurt her.
There are days that I think back to that day. It haunts me Because I felt alone I felt like I had no one to talk to about it. But the way that it shaped who I am makes me think that it was meant to happen. Many people say that trauma makes you stronger and who you are, I believe that with all my heart but what they don’t talk about is how it makes you more vulnerable. I say it makes you more vulnerable because after that day I get scared when I hear people yelling, and I get scared when I hear banging sounds. One thing that I got from that day that I will always remember is that I am stronger than I think I am and I’m stronger than I make myself out to be.