As a young adult, I feel all the basic emotions like anxiety over a test, or nerves about a first date. However, there is one that seems to outweigh all the rest. Pressure. Something that I carry the burden of everywhere I go. It keeps me up at night and is with me every minute of every day. Pressure follows me no matter how hard I strive for achievement.  Grades consume me, not being enough in my friendships, work life, and faith. Not being the perfect daughter, sister, babysitter, player, and student, it’s all consuming. Unless I am perfect in all of these areas, I am not enough. But if I am in charge of the certain amount of pressure I put on myself, why do I let it get this intense? Crying at the kitchen table while completing my Algebra 2 homework after a long 14-hour day of a meeting before school, tennis, and then work, I wonder when will this busy schedule be enough. When will I stop putting so much pressure on myself to be the best in every aspect of my life? I do not have to be involved in everything to succeed, but when will I realize that? I often get overwhelmed by my desire to succeed in life, and how that can overfill my current lifestyle. I don’t have to be the perfect student, worker, player, or Christian at the age of 17. In fact, life is a journey in which every different phase we are in, we grow and learn. 

                      The time is 1:57 pm. I'm sitting in a cold classroom, moments away from clicking the frightening submit button on my small black Chromebook. I prepare myself for the stress I will feel if I don't do my absolute best. I look around to see many of my peers staring blankly at screens. I think to myself "Is it just me who is scared to fail?" and "Why is no one else worried?". Walking out of the classroom after a long 60-minute period of worrying, I sigh in relief. The feeling of calmness rushes out of me when I enter my next classroom. I go through this cycle numerous times until I am finally moving on to my after-school commitments. 

                  The well rounded sweet girl. She has bright blue eyes and golden thick hair. She was always busy and happy. Her schedule consisted of volunteering, completing school work, going to church, and spending time with friends and family. She was fulfilled in her everyday life, yet she still strived for more. I am someone who strives for success and to be the best version of myself. But with this, comes pressure. A great amount of pressure. As the youngest of four, I often compare myself to my older siblings's successes. Many years ago, as a junior high school student, I was looking forward to my final year at the academic banquet. I loved this night and how it was filled with a celebration of the hard work I put into the school year. I loved being honored and was looking forward to attending my third and final one. However, I was informed that my GPA was 0.07 too low to meet the standards of this banquet. I was utterly devastated. I sobbed for hours to my mom and dad about how I felt I wasn't good enough and questioned how my siblings got in all for years, why could I not? From then on there I started putting an extreme amount of pressure on myself to never be in that position again. Still from this day forward, that pressure has not escaped me.  

                Another fond memory I have where pressure was present was when I was taking my algebra test. This test was extremely important for me because it determined my next level of math the following year. I certainly felt defeated after taking this two-hour-long difficult test in the junior high lunchroom. I kept telling myself “You are the stupid sibling if you don’t this”. Given I was not the best in math prior to this qualifying test, I put a ton of pressure on myself. Part of the reason I am not able to grow from all of this pressure is due to my siblings all succeeding in high school and junior high. Even now, I often find myself comparing myself to them. My parents have raised me with so much grace and love that I do not understand where all the internal pressure came from, certainly not them. They constantly remind me that I am my own version of myself, not them, but I unfortunately I can not understand that. 

                   Pressure is an emotion I have dealt with my entire life. I pray that one day I will not have such intense expectations for myself, and will finally just live freely in the moment. Although this constant pressure never escapes, I am working on fully understanding that I have my own identity, one in which is different from my siblings. Pressure is something that follows me, but it does not have to consume me.